Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group

A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.

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MorganTX 08/31/2008

When you feel like you are dying?

When you feel like you have tried everything and stayed and suffered and managed your anger and pain and IT STILL HURTS LIKE A KNIFE.

When you have tried to be kind and show love to the one who chose to hurt you so badly. When you have tried to focus on being happy about your children and their health - but you know in your heart that when he did what he did SOMEHOW THE CHILDREN WERE NOWHERE IN HIS MIND.

You try not to face the true facts, that you are married to a man who chose to cheat on you and to break your heart. That your childrens father thought more of his own lustful needs than their happiness.

Sometimes it just all feels so overwhelming. I feel like my entire life for seven months now since Dday is really all about him and what he did and how will we get through it.

He says he has compassion for me -- but the truth is that he is so full of shame he has very little to offer me in my healing process. Talking about it is too painful for him -- he doesnt want to share the details with me because he thinks one more straw will break the camels back.

So he hides with his shame and I try and hide my pain and I've never felt more lonely or alone in my life.

It's weird and sad how the sheer joy of motherhood has been tempered by the fact that know I know their father would not protect their happiness.

Sorry...just circling the drain here...having a bad morning....

Thanks

deleted_user 08/31/2008

You do what you did and vent on ds and keep it out of your home...write in your journal...curse in tough if you must...find a place in your home or outside that is for you...a safe place so to speak where you can just take a moment and breathe. I prefer outside versus in as it allows me to look at the birds and the trees or whatever catches my eyes and just ignore the world for a moment...

Hugs - Tweedsie :)

MorganTX 08/31/2008

I feel like I am about two seconds away from just throwing him out. That feeling of him ignoring my pain, ignoring me, making me invisible like he did during his affair. I cant take it. I would rather be invisible with him not here than invisible when Im right here in the room. Im suffering, Im in pain, I can hardly hang on...and he says to me just now "I can't believe you're mad at me AGAIN". It's all about him, huh?? I guess it was all about him for a long time - I just didn't know about it. I thought I was being the supportive wife, holding down the fort, managing the kids and the house and also working full time. He didnt appreciate me then, at least not enough to not to cheat on me, and he doesnt appreciate me now. He feels too badly about himself to "be there" for me. All his energy is spent on his own feeling of shame and low self-esteem and regret.

Tweedsie - you are always such a ray of sunshine - thank you for your light. I'm not going to kick him out in the next five minutes - but I am gonna get out of the house for awhile - great suggestion. Thanks!

special3 08/31/2008

Take some time off to get away & relax.....

MorganTX 08/31/2008

aargghh! So he does JUST the thing to make me MORE MAD. I'm upstairs on the computer and he yells from downstairs "I'm taking the kids to the park" - and I hear the door slam and he's gone with all the kids. JUST TO PISS ME OFF. He would NEVER just take the kids to the park. He just knows I am mad and doesnt want to deal with me and wants to make it clear to me that he will do whatever he wants whenever he wants WITH NO CONCERN FOR ME.

I think I may need a real break from him. My anger is getting the better of me.

Have any of you tried some time apart during your "healing"?

Thanks

deleted_user 08/31/2008

Hi!! I'm pretty new here, but yes I have tried the same thing. I stayed at a hotel in our same town and asked my H to watch our daughter for the weekend so that I could have a break from the pain and stress and rejuvanate. It was wonderful!! I also spent a day at the spa getting a facial, massage and a really great lunch out. It also helped me realize again that I am a beautiful woman!! As much as I missed my daughter I insisted on no calls between my H and I but we did text eachother so that I was updated on how our daughter was and their time together. It was a much needed break and it did help me at the time reevaluate what my goals were in rebuilding our relationship. I wish you the best of luck! You deserve some YOU time!! Your H might need the break (even though you may feel he doesn't deserve it) from the stress of it too! He'll be stressed enough taking care of the home and the kids while your away. My H was very supportive of my time away and when I thanked him for supporting my decision and taking the time off and being with our daughter he felt a renewed sense of lets jump on recovery wagon again!!

deleted_user 08/31/2008

Hey Morgan...tman used to make things worse too...he's so freakin stubborn and when I was having a really hard time once in awhile he would just lose it too just because he was so frustrated he couldn't just make it all go away...for the most part that has all subsided...it does get better but you have to keep talking to your h telling him what helps and what doesn't...they eventually get it through their thick head that helping us through it allows them to get what they want in the end too...US :)

MorganTX 09/01/2008

thanks to all of you for your replies - it really does help so much to talk to other people dealing with the same issues. I managed to calm down a little and we all went together to a family pool party and faked our way thru a good time. Hugs to you all.

deleted_user 09/01/2008

Morgan you may want to try letting H know that a great way for him to build his self-esteem and let go of his strong feelings of shame is to make things right by concentrating on you for a while.. The other thing I am s-l-o-w-l-y learning is that i need to recognize when my h is trying to be good to me. Some of us are really struggling to let them in and not all men are strong enough to continue to persevere when they see their wives are hurt or angry...they feel defeated like there is nothing they can do and that's usually when at least I want and need my h to do more. Are you two in marriage counseling? Just sharing some thoughts. Hang in there.

MorganTX 09/01/2008

You all have such great ideas and insight.

Thank you.

Naive - yes we are in counseling. My own, his own, and ours together - it feels like therapy all the time in my house. Between that and me reading every book every written on infidelity and spending time on DS - it is nonstop and exhausting.

My weels vacation last week was a nice break - no therapy - no obsessing (I gave myself the "week off") but then I came right back to real life

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