Hello let me say yes, I wanted the OM to die he accually is somewhere where that could be possible than I would think he deserves so much more than that. I hope this or that..... I will not go in to detail and yes that was only a month or so ago witch was right at the year mark I hated him. In a way I never thought I could hate anyone. About 2 weeks ago I was going back and forth I read some things that I already KNEW i had to do.

I HAD TO FORGIVE HIM. (this I was not pleased about by any means) I have come religious a lot more so than ever before in my life. I prayed and prayed and knew that is what I had to do.

Not call him or even contact him that I hopefully will never do, I hope he is out of my life for good.
I prayed to God and forgave him in front of God in my mind. One of the hardest things I have ever managed to do. I still really really hope I never see him because I do not really know if I can take it without anger.

The last couple of weeks I must say after somehow findding a way. I have been the most at peace since DD.
You are not forgiving the person for them you are doing it for you. To find PEACE in your heart.
To move on and not give them the energy they don't deserve.
Hope that helped, I truly know how hard it is.

To some degree, yes. In my case, she had two local APs, not counting the online relationships, that aside for one, never became close to evolving into a physical presence. The first one I consider evil. If not for his pursuing her, there is a good chance none of this would have happened. He knowingly took advantage of her weaknesses to gradually draw her into a place where she cheated on me, despite the fact she told him she was happily married and would not do that. Instead of backing off, he was willing to sacrifice our marriage and family, emotionally manipulate my wife, for the sake of satisfying his sexual urges.

Note, none of this excuses Gabi's allowing it o happen, or allowing herself to fall into such an emotional and vulnerable state, but she had no intent to cheat on me. It took him 2 months of working on her to get a blow job. If he'd stuck around longer, he probably would have gotten more than that. But he left town and we've not seen or heard from him since. Still, while not excusing Gabi, he purposefully spent a month wearing her defenses down to the point he could get what he wanted, despite the fact she was happily married. Maybe she would have eventually run into someone else who would have done that if not him. Or it might have passed and this blotch upon our relationship would not be part of our history. Who knows.

I've forgiven him, but I'm also equally concerned that his lack of moral values and disregard for other people than himself means he will be leaving a wake of marital destruction wherever he goes. That is the evil part. I can only hope something happened to change that. I lament his future victims.

The second one, though he should have known better, was easier to forgive. When he met Gabi, she was deep into her own fog thinking and was at least subconsciously seeking an affair, thanks to the first AP. He responded to her advances, especially since he joined the gym with the express intent to find a woman. She was advertising, he took her up on it. He also has some learning disabilities. Like I said, he should have known better than to get involved with a married woman, but I don't think he had the same evil intent the first guy did. If she wasn't open to him, I doubt he would have pursued her. So while he's still in town, I don't know him, and I don't think about him much. I pity him more than anything. He's the one who ruined his life by falling in love with a married woman.

What Cole said, resonates with me very much. My husband's AP was AGRESSIVELY pursuing him. Her husband cheated on her for 7 years and she got divorced, so she is in a habit of pursuing married men, sleeping with them and then dumping them to move on to the next victim. In her mind it seems like she feels she needs to prove to all women that men are evil beasts and she needs to show them. Or it could be, if I'm not happy no other woman is allowed to be either. She specifically targets married men. So I am constantly thinking about how many more marriages she is going to ruin. I feel this weird obligation to stop her, even though my logical mind tells me it is impossible. She also strings her ex husband along in a weird way. He had an affair and yet he is currently her slave. She sleeps with other men, then breaks up with them, then in between men, invites her ex husband back into her bed, until she gets the new guy. Her ex husband knows this and yet he is fine with being the inbetween sex partner, which makes no sense to me at all. From what my husband said she was sexually active since 13, and her mother told her: "go out and enjoy as much sex as you want, just never get pregnant" One thing that did happen this time around that she didn't bargain for, was that she developed feelings for my husband. In her words: This is the REAL thing, I love you". His reply? I LIKE you alot too???? Like reeeeaaally? She came to me to ask if she could help my husband which was depressed and under severe stress and drinking too much. I was at my wits end, and when she told me he is burnt out and she was there and she can help, I HUGGED her and thanked her. So in front of me she invited my husband for coffee (yeah yeah I know.... I SHOULD have gone with them, but who in hell thinks of that when you trust a person?) So in their VERY FIRST MEETING, she jumped him in the car and started making out with him, BEFORE he could even discuss his "stresses" with her. She told him how hot he was and ho much she wanted him while sucking his lungs out. You all tell me this was not pre-planned? We've known her at the gym for two years. So after all this babbling, the main thing is WHY does God allow her to get away with this? Why doesn't anything bad happen to her? Why doesn't she get aids or something for her lifestyle.... she does not use condoms. I'm miss goody two shoes, so I can bet your ass, if I just randomly decide to sleep with some dude, with MY luck I will end up with aids. How long will God allow people like her and Cole (your first AP) to go on doing this? I feel like I get punished for everything I do wrong, so why not them?

The magic "1 year" mark brought me real hell. About 2 months before the 1 year mark I started to panick, regress, and feel actual hatred and repulsion towards my H. It was scary and very unhealthy for me and my entire family.

I think part of it was that in the beginning (during hysterical bonding) months we seemed to be progressing at a lightning pace. I set a 1 year "forgive" expectation early on. We were living seperately but together as a couple working on the marriage. For me the 1 year was just a time frame that seemed suitable for our situation. In other words he needed a year to grasp the gravity of his actions, i needed a year so as not too look like a fool for taking him back "too soon".

However that year was creeping up and i began to feel the exact opposite that I assumed I would. We had to Make major changes and I had to let go of my 1 year expectations.

I knew at that point I needed to soul search for forgiveness. Forgiving him was my main focus. The anger and bitterness was not fair to anybody.

I think the1 year mark is hard for most people. My advice is to focus on forgiveness. Include forgiving yourself for anything you may be upset with yourself about.

The second year of rebuilding was tougher than the first for me. The first year was all about making progress and actually rebuilding - the second was more about waiting for the cement to dry on our newly built foundation. That's a tough one because I'm much happier in active, task-oriented mode.

The second year was also the point where i got a little fixated on the OW and wishing her unhappiness because there wasn't a lot else to focus on.

My advice would be to find a long-term project to focus on for the next year or so. Remodel or redecorate something, take a fun class, or find a new volunteer project that gets you into a new situation with new people. The more you focus on you and your progress, the less time and energy you'll have to send in her direction.

Hang in there! It's tough, but you're making progress. : )

As a baby unicorn, can I ask those of you further along how you got over the feeling of living in fear for the rest of your life? That is the thought that keeps haunting me, how can I do this for the rest of my life, always looking over my shoulder for the smallest sign of it happening again.

Right after DDay (8/14/14) I wanted nothing more than the OW to suffer....badly. I was more angry at my H, though, since he is the one who betrayed me, she is a mere face on the internet. She recently tried to contact him again and that made me want to lash out at her, big time. He immediately told me and contacted our MC to see what he should do, ignore or reinforce no contact.

There are days when I think about her, but they are fewer and farther apart. I guess I have the 1 year mark to look forward to and knowing me she better duck come 8/14/15....lol. I have actually come to hate the whole state she lives in, when I hear it mentioned I feel the hair on my neck stand up.

HowCanThisB,

Hopefully you'll get to the point where you say "I survived this, and if it happens again I will be fine." For me its a lot like keeping a dog that has bitten someone - you know the potential for it to happen again is there but this time you are knowingly taking the risk. It would still suck on every level if there were a repeat performance, but at least I get a vote this time. The fact that all of that was happening behind my back that threw me off the most. The dishonesty and the deception.

I would be really disappointed if we go down that path again, but I'm a lot smarter about what this is all about now and it wouldn't feel as personal. It truly is the CS's issue that unfortunately affects the rest of us. I've owned my part in the first round and made changes - the next time would be all on him.

You are just a fledgling but one day you too will have your "golden horn" and look back feeling very grateful of how far you've come. All i can say is keep moving forward and admit when you need help. Weather that's from us more schooled unicorns, your husband, friends, or a counselor.

Its a bumpy ride but you can, not only survive this, but thrive. There will likely never be a time where don't atleast occasionally glance over your shoulder. But glancing and obsessing are 2 very different things.

I found this really good article on revenge for the OW...check it out
http://www.articlesbase.com/infidelity-articles/what-is-the-best-way-to-get-back-at-my-husbands-mistress-also-known-as-the-other-woman-2748236.html

Thanks Lisa and Pink for your words, they really help. This was one of the first places I landed after DDay and have been very grateful for all the support.

Good article indeed, HCTB. I know Gabi's OM was hoping we'd fall apart and that she'd come back to him at some point. His last contact with her near the two year mark must have been his last hope on that. He found out she was happy with me and had no desire to rehook up with him. I think he truly gave up on her at that point. I'm sure he was unhappy that she was happy with me. I'm glad he finally got the message!

The best revenge really is that he lost her and she stayed with me. I just hope he learned his lesson to avoid romantic relationships with married women. For the AP, they almost always end in pain. The few who do end up with their prize, discover now they are the ones wondering if he/she is cheating on them.

Thank you all for your replies.
Ahhh... Forgiveness. Yes.. That. Because of my faith, i do know that I have to reach the point where i can forgive her. I actually thought i was there - wrote her a letter, in fact, but once i reread it, i realized that much of what was written was more of saying what i thought needed to be said- if you follow what i mean - so then in truth my letter was not for the right and pure motive as intended. I obviously need to work on the forgiveness toward her a bit more. Jason, i know it took strength to even go before God and give that up to him. I hope in due time, i can at least do that. I realize because i do not have a relationship with HER - she is not and never will be a part of my life... Vertical forgiveness is enoigh.
And as Pink suggested, too, putting my focus into forgivng my husband is where my energy should lie. And yes.. Lisa... Finding that long term project to keep myself busy and redirect my thoughts is so much healthier but as we all know sometimes just getting through an infidelity thought free day" is tough! Constant mindfulness.
Cole, muscle girl - reading more of what each of you have gone through has reminded me how grateful and thankful i should be that I did not have to deal with
her continued pursuit of my husband. Thank you for putting that part of all of this into perspective for me.
I do long for the day though, where the OW is no more than just an ever so slightly fleeting thought.

BTW... That is a great article, How Can. True..... The best revenge is to have your own Happily Ever After

Again,,, thank you EVERYONE!

I know I'm late to the game - Happy Anniversary of DDAY to me. Heh.

SO much of what everyone said resonated with me. Everything from the affair partner aggressively pursuing my husband, (again - not to excuse his part, just that it definitely would have been easier for him to say no if she had been less persistent), to the second year of recovery being MUCH more work than the first, to finding it difficult to forgive the OW to the point of wanting revenge.

Actually, I don't know that I wanted revenge so much as "karma". I did not want to do something bad to her, I wanted something bad to just happen TO her. Honestly, that feeling really hasn't fully gone away. The petulant child in me often stamps her foot and whines, "It's not fair!" My husband suffered. I suffered. Our kids suffered. The OW did not suffer, other than to have her pride hurt when my husband cut ties with her, finally. Who knows? Maybe she was madly in love with him and her heart was truly broken - but her life was not otherwise disrupted in the ways our lives were.

And yet... I know I am a LOT happier when I just don't think about her. I know I am happier when she is not on my mind and I am not agonizing over her joy and happiness and instead am working toward my own.

Here's the key to pushing aside the thoughts of the affair partner:

1) Do not invite the affair partner into your life. Don't stalk him/her on Facebook or Twitter. Don't drive by his/her work to see if s/he still works there. Don't ask mutual friends about him/her. Don't bring him/her up in conversation with your spouse. As much as possible, keep the AP out of your head and out of your life.

2) When intrusive thoughts do come bursting in, yes, constant mindfulness, but, here's the thing: you can't STOP thinking about something. The more you try, the more pervasive the thoughts become. Instead, find something else to think about.

For example: my husband's affair partner recently had a baby. When I found out, I got all wiggity whack in my head about it. That stupid, petulant, bratty child kept stomping her foot and pouting because, well, I guess I feel like this OW shouldn't ever have any happiness in her life. I quickly learned that going to peek at photos of her baby wouldn't somehow magically make the pain and frustration go away, so instead, when the impulse would hit me, I would instead go look at photos of my friends' baby who is about the same age. Any time I had the urge to stalk the OW or any time thoughts of her become overwhelming, I learned to focus on SOMETHING ELSE. I couldn't just stop, but I could distract myself into something BETTER.

3) Revenge thoughts can actually be quite cathartic. Just keep them as thoughts, not as actions. I wrote out entire horrific stories of drama, trauma and terror (yes, I am a LITTLE ashamed of my dark side... *cough*) that I dreamed up to happen to the OW. It felt nice in the moment to feel that rush of what felt like "justice", even though it was only imagined. Just don't get stuck there, ya know? If you really can't get past feeling indignation or anger or whatever and can't distract yourself from thinking of her, then play out a little scene where a truck full of manure (wet manure...) dumps all over her or something equally awful for ten or fifteen minutes. Then move on to better things. :)

4) Reiterating what's been said: Her misery will not bring you more happiness. Pursuing her misery is wasted effort that should be spent pursuing your own happiness. Be selfish. Focus on YOU. ;)

I do think that forgiveness toward the affair partner is healthy and helps us to move forward. If not forgiveness, than at least a sense of understanding that regardless of the lack of moral compass, or outright wicked behavior that the affair partner may have shown, ultimately, they're not special little snowflakes. AP's are just people. Flawed? Sure. Who isn't? They aren't super heroes or super villains, they're just people who made some selfish and thoughtless choices.

The only power they truly have over us is the power we give them, so take it back and find something better to do with it. :)