Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.
It's almost 4 years since I found out dh was cheating and had on and off our marriage. Most of the time I don't think much about it but lately I find myself stressing and everything triggers me. Should I be past this?
If nothing like that is happening, your fear may be resurfacing for other reasons. Does the relationship seem to be in the same place now as it was pre-As? May make you feel it is likely to happen again. Or were his on/off As spaced about 4 years apart, so the time frame says another one may be coming? Did he fail during the last 4 years to make significant changes in himself and your relationship that would give you the security you need to rebuild trust and feel safe from another A?
Or it may simply be a temporary relapse. Can happen to any of us, especially if something gets us thinking about it all over again. Maybe some unresolved issues are resurfacing. Could even be a result of Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD): http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder/basics/definition/con-20022540
In one sense, we never totally get past it. It is more we come to accept it happened, come to a point of resolution one way or the other in order to move on and "get past it." But it is always there in our history to rear its head from time to time.
I think about it occasionally. I happened to read the beginning of my book where I talk about my dday night, this evening. That was over 4 years ago. It had been a while since I had read that and revisited the emotions I had that night. So I think we all deal with it at one point or another. One of the downsides of putting our story out there in book format and continuing to hang around here to support others. Keeps it in the foreground more than it would otherwise.
Explore some of the thoughts Cole mentioned. Generally, when I slide back into a state of paranoia, it's because my husband is exhibiting signs of secretiveness or being very closed, or some other "triggery" behavior, or else our relationship is sliding into a place that leaves me uncomfortable. Not always, but usually.
At first, I chew through it all in my brain and closely observe what has been going on lately (sometimes it can be as small as my husband's work schedule changing) and then I bring it to him to share with him. His reaction to my concern is always what helps ease my mind, because he'll always say, "What can I do?" Sometimes, he can't really DO anything, other than reassure me everything is OK, but sometimes we can come up with a plan of action for adjusting to changes - or making changes happen (re-happen?) if changes are needed.
If that fails, it may be worth it to talk to an individual counselor for yourself. You may have some unresolved stuff that is eating away at you on a deep level that needs to be sorted.
Everyone heals differently and on a different timeline, but if you've been steadily rebuilding for all or most of the 4 years and have followed a pretty decent rebuilding plan, then "every now and then" triggers and stresses are pretty normal, but anything all consuming should not be.