Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.
4 years ago, May 11, 2011, I received the biggest shock of my life. My wife of 29 years had been having sex with another man, sex chatting online with several, and before that a mostly emotional affair with another local man, ending with a BJ. That all happened in the span of 7 months. I still recall the feelings of denial in the face of evidence to the contrary, having my world turned upside down, not knowing if we'd survive another month, much less 4 years. Back then, 4 years down this road seemed so far away. We had started a journey I had no intention to take. I didn't have a choice in the matter. Seemed there were so many ways for it to go wrong, could we really make it?
Well, here we are, 4 years later. And what a journey it has been. Filled with difficulties and losses, but also blessings as well. I'm grateful for attaining unicorn status. One reason I wrote my book on it (Healing Infidelity) so people could see what a successful rebuilding looks like, and provide guidance for their own.
One person just asked me yesterday in a private message how I was able to heal? What all did Gabi do that helped me? How did we make it?
Well, I could write a book on that . . . oh, I already did that. But for her benefit and to commemorate our 4th year of rebuilding, I thought I would try and summarize key reasons why we've made it this far in as good of shape as we are. First, I probably should state what kind of shape we're in.
At the end of year 3, I felt as if a lot of the new normal had become simply normal. In our 4th year, it seems that has settled in firmer. We are a lot more like we were prior to the affairs today than a year ago, save with some key differences.
One, while frequency of sex has dropped off to a more normal state this past year, it is still more than it was pre-A. And her attitude about it is much different, even now. Pre-A if I asked, she was game and we usually did it, but we only had one time a week, and if something else came up during that time, too bad. Better luck next week. So it ended up happening 1 or 2 times a month, 3 if I got lucky. But she never acted like she really wanted it until more than a month passed with no sex. Now, it is rare that we miss a week,and often it happens more than once a week. The only thing holding her back is time and exhaustion. She looks forward to it and wants it. She misses it if we go more than 3-4 days without it. So while we've left behind the everyday sex we had when her affairs first started until well past 2 years past dday, that doesn't bother me so much. The fact she now wants to whenever opportunity avails itself, and looks forward to it, even though her libido is no longer sex crazed, is one blessing I count on.
Two, we are still much more together as a team than we were before dday. We still do lots of things together, like swimming, exercise, grocery shopping, and I often work with her on jobs, making her dinner and eating together, etc., whereas pre-A we lived parallel lives, maybe interacting 5-15 minutes a day. She did her thing and I did mine. Now we enjoy spending time with each other, and though it isn't always the 15 hours a week recommended, it is still up there. She still likes to be around me and are much more of a team now.
Three, for Gabi, she finally reached the place where OM doesn't flash into her head as regularly as he used to. A year ago it was daily. Now, she says she may go days without a thought about him popping into her head. Thankfully for her, her client who lives in his neighborhood and is a bit of a triggery house for her is in the process of moving, which will provide even less opportunities for thoughts about him from popping up. She's no longer concerned about what he's doing, how he's doing. I think she's progressed in this area this past year when I stated in an email to her than I believed what she was doing in feeling guilty for OM being hurt was to blameshift his hurt onto herself, but really, he knew he was getting involved with a married woman. He knew the risk. I think that realization enabled her to drop the last hook he had in her brain and heart. A final way he was being kept alive as a constant thought. I think this has helped her to become more secure and less fearful during this past year, and he is finally drifting into the past. I think he's done the same, as she doesn't regularly "accidentally" run into him all the time anymore. His way of stalking her, I think. She rarely sees him out and about anymore.
Four, for me, I don't think about it all as much as I used to. It's always there in the background, but I don't fear it happening again and she still regularly assures me she has no interest in anyone but me and God. Probably dealing with Parkinson's has also diverted my attention. And she's pledged to stick with me into the future even if I require lots of care and can't even do the things I do now. She's promised to even change my diaper if I get to that point. Now that's love. :) (No, I don't use diapers yet, but it is a possibility in my future as this progresses.) But I feel secure in our relationship. Though we know it could happen again if we're not careful, there's no longer any fear it will.
Five, we've both grown into better people through these past 4 years. This is something that changes you for better or worse. Working through these issues caused us to both evaluate what was really important and behave like we mean it. I now feel I'm important to her whereas before dday, I didn't feel she respected me, and I was at the bottom of the family caste system in her mind. I no longer feel that way. Likewise, I treat her with more respect and attention, and do things she wants to do, even if it isn't something I would chose to do, because being with her is more important than what we do together.
So how did we do it? What were the keys?
1. She from the start took it upon herself to fix this. She became 100% committed to rebuilding what her actions had torn down. She did all the things she needed to do: establish no contact, full transparency, sought out counseling, reestablish her spiritual life with God who she'd kept locked upon in a closet of her soul for 7 months, she made steady progress in dealing with her demons and extraction from the foggy thinking that allowed her to do this to us.
2. Without having read a book on it, I instinctively knew if this were to succeed, she'd need to do the bulk of the work of rebuilding. From day one, I "put the ball in her court". Thankfully she picked it up and ran with it. She never tried to blameshift but took responsibility for her actions and worked to fix herself. A lot of rebuilding attempts don't succeed because the BS is making most of the effort to rebuild. But from day one, I told her I was giving her a chance to fix this, and she either stepped up and did it, or our marriage wouldn't survive. One way I did this was through what I called "trust on loan." If she failed to pay that back through trust building actions, behaviors and attitudes, the relationship would go into default. She either came through or she didn't. If she didn't, I probably would not have stuck around long. But she did come through with flying colors.
3. While she had to do the bulk of the work, I had to do my part. Her actions would help to create a safe place for me to reinvest in our relationship. But as she did that, if I was unwilling to start investing again, I could get in the way of rebuilding even if she did all she needed to do. Of course, it took time. One doesn't get over such trauma overnight. It takes a few weeks and months for that initial fear of it happening again to subside, and even then, as long as those fears are not fanned into flames by violations of the CS. But if I was going to have her commit to rebuilding fully, I knew I had to as well. So I loaned her trust, gave her space to either redeem herself or hang herself. I didn't want to get in the way of her progress, and wanted to respond positively as she progressed. I was rooting for her redemption. So I worked on myself, to make me a better person, and change those things about me, as much as possible, that I needed to work on.
I think those three points are keys, though a lot more could be written on the topic. And I've done so on my blog, which I've neglected these past few month due to time issues.
At any rate, I'm thankful on this end of the 4th year since dday. That was a long day back then. But I can report we're in a good place now, love each other very much, and I'm thankful we've made it to this point as happy as we are. The first dday anniversary, I chose to be thankful that we'd made it one year, because I feared we wouldn't make it initially. Still, I think that is a good way to approach it, if rebuilding is successful and moving in the right directions. If not, well, that's another story. I'm also thankful for my wife, who has become a better person through all of this, and who I can still count as my one and only.
Friday we'll also be celebrating our 33 wedding anniversary. I'm thankful that counter is still going and our love for each other has never been stronger.
Now, onto year #5!
Well, here we are, 4 years later. And what a journey it has been. Filled with difficulties and losses, but also blessings as well. I'm grateful for attaining unicorn status. One reason I wrote my book on it (Healing Infidelity) so people could see what a successful rebuilding looks like, and provide guidance for their own.
One person just asked me yesterday in a private message how I was able to heal? What all did Gabi do that helped me? How did we make it?
Well, I could write a book on that . . . oh, I already did that. But for her benefit and to commemorate our 4th year of rebuilding, I thought I would try and summarize key reasons why we've made it this far in as good of shape as we are. First, I probably should state what kind of shape we're in.
At the end of year 3, I felt as if a lot of the new normal had become simply normal. In our 4th year, it seems that has settled in firmer. We are a lot more like we were prior to the affairs today than a year ago, save with some key differences.
One, while frequency of sex has dropped off to a more normal state this past year, it is still more than it was pre-A. And her attitude about it is much different, even now. Pre-A if I asked, she was game and we usually did it, but we only had one time a week, and if something else came up during that time, too bad. Better luck next week. So it ended up happening 1 or 2 times a month, 3 if I got lucky. But she never acted like she really wanted it until more than a month passed with no sex. Now, it is rare that we miss a week,and often it happens more than once a week. The only thing holding her back is time and exhaustion. She looks forward to it and wants it. She misses it if we go more than 3-4 days without it. So while we've left behind the everyday sex we had when her affairs first started until well past 2 years past dday, that doesn't bother me so much. The fact she now wants to whenever opportunity avails itself, and looks forward to it, even though her libido is no longer sex crazed, is one blessing I count on.
Two, we are still much more together as a team than we were before dday. We still do lots of things together, like swimming, exercise, grocery shopping, and I often work with her on jobs, making her dinner and eating together, etc., whereas pre-A we lived parallel lives, maybe interacting 5-15 minutes a day. She did her thing and I did mine. Now we enjoy spending time with each other, and though it isn't always the 15 hours a week recommended, it is still up there. She still likes to be around me and are much more of a team now.
Three, for Gabi, she finally reached the place where OM doesn't flash into her head as regularly as he used to. A year ago it was daily. Now, she says she may go days without a thought about him popping into her head. Thankfully for her, her client who lives in his neighborhood and is a bit of a triggery house for her is in the process of moving, which will provide even less opportunities for thoughts about him from popping up. She's no longer concerned about what he's doing, how he's doing. I think she's progressed in this area this past year when I stated in an email to her than I believed what she was doing in feeling guilty for OM being hurt was to blameshift his hurt onto herself, but really, he knew he was getting involved with a married woman. He knew the risk. I think that realization enabled her to drop the last hook he had in her brain and heart. A final way he was being kept alive as a constant thought. I think this has helped her to become more secure and less fearful during this past year, and he is finally drifting into the past. I think he's done the same, as she doesn't regularly "accidentally" run into him all the time anymore. His way of stalking her, I think. She rarely sees him out and about anymore.
Four, for me, I don't think about it all as much as I used to. It's always there in the background, but I don't fear it happening again and she still regularly assures me she has no interest in anyone but me and God. Probably dealing with Parkinson's has also diverted my attention. And she's pledged to stick with me into the future even if I require lots of care and can't even do the things I do now. She's promised to even change my diaper if I get to that point. Now that's love. :) (No, I don't use diapers yet, but it is a possibility in my future as this progresses.) But I feel secure in our relationship. Though we know it could happen again if we're not careful, there's no longer any fear it will.
Five, we've both grown into better people through these past 4 years. This is something that changes you for better or worse. Working through these issues caused us to both evaluate what was really important and behave like we mean it. I now feel I'm important to her whereas before dday, I didn't feel she respected me, and I was at the bottom of the family caste system in her mind. I no longer feel that way. Likewise, I treat her with more respect and attention, and do things she wants to do, even if it isn't something I would chose to do, because being with her is more important than what we do together.
So how did we do it? What were the keys?
1. She from the start took it upon herself to fix this. She became 100% committed to rebuilding what her actions had torn down. She did all the things she needed to do: establish no contact, full transparency, sought out counseling, reestablish her spiritual life with God who she'd kept locked upon in a closet of her soul for 7 months, she made steady progress in dealing with her demons and extraction from the foggy thinking that allowed her to do this to us.
2. Without having read a book on it, I instinctively knew if this were to succeed, she'd need to do the bulk of the work of rebuilding. From day one, I "put the ball in her court". Thankfully she picked it up and ran with it. She never tried to blameshift but took responsibility for her actions and worked to fix herself. A lot of rebuilding attempts don't succeed because the BS is making most of the effort to rebuild. But from day one, I told her I was giving her a chance to fix this, and she either stepped up and did it, or our marriage wouldn't survive. One way I did this was through what I called "trust on loan." If she failed to pay that back through trust building actions, behaviors and attitudes, the relationship would go into default. She either came through or she didn't. If she didn't, I probably would not have stuck around long. But she did come through with flying colors.
3. While she had to do the bulk of the work, I had to do my part. Her actions would help to create a safe place for me to reinvest in our relationship. But as she did that, if I was unwilling to start investing again, I could get in the way of rebuilding even if she did all she needed to do. Of course, it took time. One doesn't get over such trauma overnight. It takes a few weeks and months for that initial fear of it happening again to subside, and even then, as long as those fears are not fanned into flames by violations of the CS. But if I was going to have her commit to rebuilding fully, I knew I had to as well. So I loaned her trust, gave her space to either redeem herself or hang herself. I didn't want to get in the way of her progress, and wanted to respond positively as she progressed. I was rooting for her redemption. So I worked on myself, to make me a better person, and change those things about me, as much as possible, that I needed to work on.
I think those three points are keys, though a lot more could be written on the topic. And I've done so on my blog, which I've neglected these past few month due to time issues.
At any rate, I'm thankful on this end of the 4th year since dday. That was a long day back then. But I can report we're in a good place now, love each other very much, and I'm thankful we've made it to this point as happy as we are. The first dday anniversary, I chose to be thankful that we'd made it one year, because I feared we wouldn't make it initially. Still, I think that is a good way to approach it, if rebuilding is successful and moving in the right directions. If not, well, that's another story. I'm also thankful for my wife, who has become a better person through all of this, and who I can still count as my one and only.
Friday we'll also be celebrating our 33 wedding anniversary. I'm thankful that counter is still going and our love for each other has never been stronger.
Now, onto year #5!
"pre-A we lived parallel lives, maybe interacting 5-15 minutes a day" - THIS IS SO KEY. Seriously, people. I'm not saying a couple has to spend every moment of every day together - but now that we're spending more (quality!) time together meeting each others needs (sex, hobbies, affection, talking, sharing dreams/fears, etc.) we're so very much closer and so very much invested. There are always reasons to NOT spend time together, the key is to find reasons TO spend together, even when it's hard or we're tired or ... whatever.
Thanks for sharing this, and congrats on 4 years of successful healing!
We need more success stories!
Congrats to you and Gabi!
I haven't been on DS in almost a year I guess I am 7 years since D day. I don't thin of 'them' every day like I used to. I have the occasional trigger. However we did see her a few months ago while we were out to dinner ( what are the odds?) It brought the anger back for a day or two. Husband had the wits to be quiet and leave me alone.
On the surface, we too are in a good place, but the thoughts still are with me ..the " I will never trust him like I used to' thoughts. I know how I used to feel about him although the actual feeling is lost. It makes me sad, but I move on.
Its the legacy we have been given.
That's bad in one way, in that you want to feel safe with someone you've made yourself vulnerable to, that they won't hurt you that way. The more you know it could happen, the less you're willing to open up and be vulnerable. Wounds make callouses that stay with you for life, and infidelity is a big one.
It's also good in that it isn't proper that we ever place that degree of trust in anyone. I'm not saying distrust everyone, but we need to be aware that people are not perfect, and for selfish reasons or just ignorance screw up royally. Pun intended. Having total blind trust in anyone in a relationship can be unhealthy as well. As long as you think "it will ever happen to me," you won't take steps to make sure it won't happen to you, like respecting boundaries, avoid flirting, talking to others about personal matters of the marriage, etc. Especially if you think, "I'll never do that," so you let your guard down on those boundaries because you think you're not susceptible. That's how many CSs end up being CSs. Play with fire and you'll eventually get burned.
I'm getting practice in doing that myself lately. I mean, I've always worked around women and had many women friends that never turned into more than friends, though one or two I had opportunity if I had wanted to take it. Currently I'm taking a Zumba class. I'm the only guy in it. So naturally I've become acquainted with some of the women in there. I'm always on guard with becoming too friendly with any of them. I'm not rude or standoffish. Just vividly aware of what could happen if it went beyond acquaintances at the gym. So I know to keep my boundaries. Something the whole A thing has drilled into my head.
I think my wife still has somewhat of a blind trust in me. Truth is, she probably shouldn't. Not because I think I'm likely to fall to it, but that kind of trust should only be reserved for a perfect god, not a man or woman. I'm better off realizing it could happen to me, especially if I end up playing with fire, thinking I won't get burned like everyone else, because I'm special!
Anyway, good to hear from you again, needhelp. Glad it has settled down somewhat for you as well. I know it was quite a bit of turmoil in you over this. We all have our own healing journey's and time lines.
I don't ever expect my trust level to reach that 99.99% level again. Even if we divorced and I remarried, it would never get that high. While I lament the loss of that fantasy, I know I can still have a high degree of trust in her, even if I now know it isn't impossible for her to do that. Or for me as well, if I ever get relaxed enough to start playing with fire like she did. Boundaries are there for a reason, even in the "perfect" marriage.
Glad my post helped. Many fruitful years to both of you as you rebuild what was broken and destroyed.
If you've ever studied the 5 stages of grief, I arrived at a point of acceptance. Everyone's time line on when they get there varies. Mine was relatively quick in that regard. Doesn't mean I'm not sad for what I lost, but at least it was not in vain. As I said in my original post, we derived some positives from the experience. For me personally, some big ones. And I'm not talking about the sex aspect, but my own attitude toward her. I came to realize that while it wasn't to blame for the affair, it did set the stage, so to speak, that made it more enticing. But more than that, I was just wrong in my approach with her. It happened gradually over the years, and I could blame it all on certain events and dynamics, but in the end, I wasn't treating her with the respect she deserved either. I was pretty selfish myself. I may not have cheated on her sexually, but emotionally I had by allowing other activities and goals I had to take priority over her needs. We now are very focused on each other. We spend a lot of time together. Indeed, it was also living in my own little world that kept me from seeing or being concerned about the red flags that popped up. It took me almost 2 years before I could get back to writing fiction again, which had consumed my attention and time. Nothing like realizing you're about to lose something or someone important to you to force you to re-prioritize how you're spending you life. It's just sad it took something that big to wake me up.
But now we have the kind of relationship I had envisioned we would have when we first got married. Others sometimes see it as well. I thought about that as we walked into a restaurant today holding hands like some newlyweds. lol.
So I think it is a matter of when you come to an acceptance of "this is the reality. This is the way it is. I can't change it. All I can do is work to make the future better." Whether that is through rebuilding, or if the CS doesn't come through like they should, eventual divorce. How long it takes for you to get to that point is your own personal journey. You'll never feel good about what you've lost, but there is a point one reaches that says, "It is what it is. Now, where do we go from here?" Looking back into the past over what was lost and can never be regained only keeps your future chained to the past. In that regard, it is very much like losing a loved one. With time and acceptance, you'll move forward.