Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.
I am quickly coming up on 3 years post DDay. I want to acknowledge all the ways we are better, and give credit to the progress we have made, but I'm not sure I can. I still think of his lies daily. I am relieved on the occasional stretch of a few days that I may not have the memories breaking through my daily thoughts. On the outside, things look good. We get along, are affectionate, still have good intimacy, take care of our girls. However, he is critical still and I'm over this. We have a major communication block that we cannot get through. There has been too much history and patterns I cannot escape. Before the A, I had been unhappy with him for so long - he was awful to me- and I would fantasize about divorcing him. Unfortunately, I am starting to feel that same dissatisfaction again. We are not on the same team. He's quick to criticize and so I just don't talk a lot. He tries to call me on this lack of talking, but when I explain what leads me there, it never changes. He uses the excuse of being fully honest for his critical side Bon top of this, I know he still has a drinking problem. He does not drink every day, and he has had a few nights that he has had only a few drinks and not lost it, but it makes me feel physically ill to be around him when he drinks. That is an issue I am taking up with A anon. Otherwise, I check his location all the time and try to be "normal" when I am around him. But it still feels like I am walking on a razor edge with how this will go. We have 7 years till our youngest goes to college. I don't see us after that. We can't go out any more because of his drinking so the only time we spend together is with the kids or watching TV or movie.
He would be furious to know I am still so unhappy even though we have ridden this roller coaster so many times.
I just don't know how to get off and I keep thinking the ride may change.
He would be furious to know I am still so unhappy even though we have ridden this roller coaster so many times.
I just don't know how to get off and I keep thinking the ride may change.
"He uses the excuse of being fully honest for his critical side" The opposite of addiction isn't sobriety, its connection. I would call BS on this one - no one wants to hear brutal honesty all the time. That's no way to build a relationship. Can I guess that he is also very sensitive about receiving criticism so the honesty is a one-way street?
Or... whatever.
It's owning the fact that *whatever it is* (lack of communication, annoying habits, mean comments, etc.) are upsetting/irritating to the partner on the receiving end. It's MY issue that my husband doesn't tell me about spending money until after the fact. Yes, it's HIS habit, but I'm the one with panties in a knot over it, so it's important for me to own it that way and I find it's more effective to twist it to, "It would make me happy if..." or "It makes me feel so much more comfortable when..." rather than, "You make me so mad when you..."
Wording matters. Sounds like your husband doesn't get that and as Lisa said... I call BS. I think it's just his passive aggressive way of being mean and hurtful and claiming "honesty" as his blanket to hide behind.
My husband's drinking really, really, REALLY bothered me, too. He is a totally different person when he drinks. And no, he wasn't drinking every day or drinking to mass excess, but even having 2-3 drinks 2-3 times a week was too much for me, personally. Thankfully, after our daughter made an off handed comment about his drinking, he cut back almost entirely.
Ultimately, it feels like it's a waste of your time to just be staying until your youngest goes to college. It's also not going to hurt your kids any less. If anything, your youngest will feel guilty that you were "forced" to stay for so long in an unhappy situation. I'm not saying you should bail ship - only you can decide that - but if ultimately that's where you're headed, why not make moves in that direction now, rather than waiting and suffering?
You gotta be all in to make a marriage work - both of you - and it doesn't sound like you are. (Understandably so!) If your husband is participating in "love busters" that are depleting your love bank, it's NEVER going to matter how much good he does, because there's going to be a constant leak draining away the good stuff faster than he can put it back in your love bank.
It may be worth it to let him know where your thinking is - even if he'll be furious. You can do the "good - bad - good" thing that people do, you know, "I really love ____ about our relationship. I really still need ____. All that said, I'm so grateful for _____." It gives you a chance to talk about the progress and praise the good stuff, but also let him know the areas where you're still freaking miserable.
It's not fair to you (and frankly, not to him) to pretend things are OK if they're not. You're cheating him out of the opportunity to try to make things better, and cheating yourself out of a chance to move on and find fulfillment in other ways if he refuses.
I don't think any of us really WANTS to start over. I know I don't. This is such a hard place to be in. I have always felt the honesty thing is BS. I never talk to anyone that bluntly. And I have no reserves to reflect how ugly it is back at him when he does it.
So grateful for your feedback
Good Luck