Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.
Today marks three months since my wife’s full disclosure, which unfortunately is corresponding with a short run of not so good mental days, but I thought I would take this opportunity to provide an update and look for some perspective and advice.
I will try to keep this as short as possible. I won’t retell my story- details are this post. http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/rebuilding-marriage-after-infidelity/discussions/messages/17408749
In a nutshell I am in a much much better place than I was three months ago. My marriage failing isn't really too much of a question, the question seems to be when will it be fully healed (will it be fully healed - this is one of the things I am needing help with).
Part of me feels that I should be ‘happy’ given the circumstances - especially compared to what some of you have gone or are going through. Here are a few reasons:
- My wife's affair was really short lived. I caught on rather quickly and as a result no emotional bond seemed to develop between her and him.
- She broke things off with him immediately
- Through a series of events he sent her an email (they worked together) stating that she is to stop contacting him otherwise he will be forced to seek action from head office (this is prompted by her requesting a letter from him)
- He texted me and apologized for his actions and hopes that my wife and I can see it through this
- My wife is fully committed to me and the family (she left her job, has taken on role of full time mom, etc)
- We are able to have sex
- In the end I have everything I would want - my wife (repentant), my kids, and my family together.
The bad:
- for the most part I am doing a decent job overcoming my mind movies.
- What seems to be the major factor holding me back is where they had sex. It took place in a vehicle (not shocked by that), in a grocery store parking lot in the middle of the day. Perhaps this isn’t disturbing for some but it is for me. We are talking about two educators in a parking lot!! Beyond that it just isn’t my wife. Which brings me to things we have learned and are dealing with (see below)
This episode has forced my wife to confront the fact that she has been dealing with depression for the better part of three years. I was oblivious to it mainly due to paying too much attention to our two young children. Nevertheless the process was so slow that I would have never noticed. Friends and family are finally speaking up - saying that they had noticed a change months ago - I wish they had said something sooner.
My wife has talked about being in the “fog” of the affair but has also explained that for the last few years she has felt very much the same way. To be honest it makes me sad because she was disconnected from our two kids until recently (something that I was observing for the entire time they have been alive - they just turned 2 a couple weeks ago). She is much more connected now.
Her doctor put her on meds in August - little change. He increased the dose in September and I started to notice a change in October. Noticing things that I didn’t realize were gone - my old wife was back in some ways.
So this forced me to take a look at what has been going on that may have caused this. Here is a quick run-down.
- We had trouble having kids, which lead to my wife learning that her tubes were blocked, which lead to a failed IVF cycle, followed by a successful IVF cycle.
- The IVF treatments brought with it financial strain
- Having twins brought additional financial strain and emotional - my wife wasn’t connecting with them and we had little support from family.
- We are now quite certain that she suffered from postpartum
- Financial situation forced her back to work sooner than expected - increasing her inability to connect with our kids
- She doesn’t have a relationship with her father - and in May had a situation where he hurt her emotionally (too long to get in to + it is worth pointing out that the other man was old enough to be her father)
I'm not saying that depression grants her immunity, but I am trying to use it as an explanation. At times it helps.
Anyway I am sure that I could go on and on, but I won’t.
In a nutshell my wife seems to be getting better mentally, my family is intact, three months from full disclosure I can kiss, hug and make love to my wife. There has been zero attempt of contact from either party.
But I still walk around with a cloud over my head. I still can’t seem to get over where it happened. I am having trouble dealing with how she could do this with our kids being so young and having tried so hard to have them.
Should I be more grateful?
Thanks.
I will try to keep this as short as possible. I won’t retell my story- details are this post. http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/rebuilding-marriage-after-infidelity/discussions/messages/17408749
In a nutshell I am in a much much better place than I was three months ago. My marriage failing isn't really too much of a question, the question seems to be when will it be fully healed (will it be fully healed - this is one of the things I am needing help with).
Part of me feels that I should be ‘happy’ given the circumstances - especially compared to what some of you have gone or are going through. Here are a few reasons:
- My wife's affair was really short lived. I caught on rather quickly and as a result no emotional bond seemed to develop between her and him.
- She broke things off with him immediately
- Through a series of events he sent her an email (they worked together) stating that she is to stop contacting him otherwise he will be forced to seek action from head office (this is prompted by her requesting a letter from him)
- He texted me and apologized for his actions and hopes that my wife and I can see it through this
- My wife is fully committed to me and the family (she left her job, has taken on role of full time mom, etc)
- We are able to have sex
- In the end I have everything I would want - my wife (repentant), my kids, and my family together.
The bad:
- for the most part I am doing a decent job overcoming my mind movies.
- What seems to be the major factor holding me back is where they had sex. It took place in a vehicle (not shocked by that), in a grocery store parking lot in the middle of the day. Perhaps this isn’t disturbing for some but it is for me. We are talking about two educators in a parking lot!! Beyond that it just isn’t my wife. Which brings me to things we have learned and are dealing with (see below)
This episode has forced my wife to confront the fact that she has been dealing with depression for the better part of three years. I was oblivious to it mainly due to paying too much attention to our two young children. Nevertheless the process was so slow that I would have never noticed. Friends and family are finally speaking up - saying that they had noticed a change months ago - I wish they had said something sooner.
My wife has talked about being in the “fog” of the affair but has also explained that for the last few years she has felt very much the same way. To be honest it makes me sad because she was disconnected from our two kids until recently (something that I was observing for the entire time they have been alive - they just turned 2 a couple weeks ago). She is much more connected now.
Her doctor put her on meds in August - little change. He increased the dose in September and I started to notice a change in October. Noticing things that I didn’t realize were gone - my old wife was back in some ways.
So this forced me to take a look at what has been going on that may have caused this. Here is a quick run-down.
- We had trouble having kids, which lead to my wife learning that her tubes were blocked, which lead to a failed IVF cycle, followed by a successful IVF cycle.
- The IVF treatments brought with it financial strain
- Having twins brought additional financial strain and emotional - my wife wasn’t connecting with them and we had little support from family.
- We are now quite certain that she suffered from postpartum
- Financial situation forced her back to work sooner than expected - increasing her inability to connect with our kids
- She doesn’t have a relationship with her father - and in May had a situation where he hurt her emotionally (too long to get in to + it is worth pointing out that the other man was old enough to be her father)
I'm not saying that depression grants her immunity, but I am trying to use it as an explanation. At times it helps.
Anyway I am sure that I could go on and on, but I won’t.
In a nutshell my wife seems to be getting better mentally, my family is intact, three months from full disclosure I can kiss, hug and make love to my wife. There has been zero attempt of contact from either party.
But I still walk around with a cloud over my head. I still can’t seem to get over where it happened. I am having trouble dealing with how she could do this with our kids being so young and having tried so hard to have them.
Should I be more grateful?
Thanks.
My husband put me in many social situations with the OW (including our daughter's wedding). It must have
been a big joke for the two of them - with my not knowing and all. He treated me horribly for so long even
during the period where we were working on our marriage. After the confrontation he stopped having sex with
her but their EA was still going strong and he was lying, lying, lying and acting like he was single, having
cocktail parties at work on Fridays all the while claiming he was working late. And then there was the time he
beat me after seeing his IC.
Things are "fine" now, but when I start to remember all over again, I just hate him. Really hate him. I've stated many times on DS that I will never forgive him. So I do understand and wonder over and over why he did this.
I find though that I am only hurting myself. When I lapse into my funks, I set a timer. I'll think about it until the bell goes off and then I get busy. Being active and productive helps a lot. I set goals every day. I don't beat myself up if I don't accomplish everything, but I do push myself to do something.
It's sad that you've been through so much to have these kids and here she is not connecting with them. As for her father, she needs to keep her distance. Maybe later she can deal with those issues, but for now, small steps.
I would say focus on what you want for your life. I am sure you are a good father to these children. Talk with your wife and set goals together and help each other. I have to tell my husband all the time what I need. He lapses a lot, goes back to being the selfish prick he was, but I call him on it. It's all work, but I know over time attitudes change and behavior follows.
Be sure your wife is getting good care, that she exercises and eats right. And you need to, too! You might want to clobber her, but set that aside and take care of her.
Sounds like your marriage is safe. My H still works with the other woman!!!
Good luck - you'll be fine.
He said he fired her (she was a part time employee) shortly after I found out but I think it was at least a month later. He didn't talk with her (I checked his phone regularly) or text her during that time. She was involved with someone else so I think it was not really a close attachment. I found out about the car on April 9, 2012 and everything else around May 29th. I moved into another room in our house and we started counseling in June. In August, our counselor told me that I had to stop straddling the fence. Either forgive him and work it out, or make the decision to separate. I chose to stay - we've been together for 30 years and this was the first time he betrayed me.
We are better, but like you, I have to keep the thoughts of him with her out of my head. We had problems for years that we ignored and it led to some bitterness and resentment on my part. He used this as his excuse for 'turning to someone else'. Do I love him? Not like I once did. I lost respect for him and I don't know if we will ever be 'in love' again.He wants me to 'get over it' and acts like it never happened. I think that we once had an unconditional love but now there are conditions. But I don't know if I will ever really trust him or love him like I once did. And when I think of him with her, I just have a hard time looking at him as the man I once loved. But he doesn't work hard to make sure I feel close to him - he doesn't support me or try to make me feel loved or cared for. He just wants it back the way things used to be - that's where the bitterness came from. I keep reminding him of this - who knows if he will really listen or change...
It sounds like you have a chance. Mental health issues lead us to do strange things - things that are not part of who we really are. Hopefully the medication will continue to help her - make sure she takes care of herself physically. Children are demanding and drain a mother - sometimes it feels like you have nothing left at the end of the day. Support her and help her so that she can be the person you once knew and loved. Hopefully being there for one another can lead you back to the relationship you once had or to a better one. Good luck!!!
To be fair to my wife she is taking all the steps possible to get better and to try to understand how this happened to her.
She is seeing a psychiatrist next week - which is a bit upsetting for me because my wife has always been a 'strong' person and I know that a part of her is sad that she is at this point in her life.
Thanks again.
I suffered from similair issues. It drove me crazy wondering about the type of sex they had (also in cars). They went to a restaurant where my H & i were suppose to try together, but they went there together. These little things started to consume me. Advice i was given from great people on this site advised to take those triggers back, reclaim them. Sounds a bit odd and somewhat crazy at first but with practice it did help dissolve some of my triggers. I went to this new restaurant with a friend, i encourged a spicier sex life with my H. Four years in our home & we never had sex on the pool table, well, i prompted the first time and sure, it was really uncomfortable but it felt like i was taking back the excitement back from them and giving it back to us.
I was brave enough to try new positions. All i wanted was to be sure our sex life was all that & then some more. Through doing this i slowly stopped wondering & worry about what they did and just enjoyed what we had.
It sounds like the majority if your posts was about her and her healing and her depression. Is that a sample of how life is? Is your focus in healing her? Are your taking responsibility for her actions?
Yes it would have been super hero awsome if you recognized and fixed her depression before it went as far as it did. But you didn't. You both for caught up in your own thoughts and day to day to see the other person.
You need to focus on your healing and 3 months is early to be healed. Turn the focus on finding ways to get through this and let your were know how she can help. Be willing to express your emotions to get even if they are ones that will make her feel badly. She needs to be part of your healing. Not just going through the motions.
This road to rebuilding takes time and work. Dirty every up there's a down. Your marriage will never be the same. You will need to create a new marriage built in what you've learned and the strength you are gaining from this. You've both made discoveries and have grown. It is possible to be happily married but you will both be different. That's but necessarily a bad thing.
Be patient and take care of you.
*for every up there is a down (not dirty)
That's *NOT necessarily a bad thing (not but)
I was never really worried about them having better sex. Within seconds of my wife breaking down and telling me everything - she was sobbing - very upset and one of the first things that came out of her mouth was how grose and fast the whole experience was. We briefly spoke about it again after things had calmed down and she confirms that it was not pleasant. Keep in mind this man could be her father.
My mind is stuck on this man touching and kissing my wife.
Pinkpony: Thanks for the concern. I am taking care of myself. I'm getting back into my hobbies, spending time with my kids, reading - self help and otherwise. As best as I can.
My wife is getting better - slowly. She is off work. Connecting with our kids. She has fortunately / unfortunately a psychiatrist appointment next week. So progress is happening.
I have excepted that things will never be as they were. However, when my mind is at ease things around the house feel 'normal' so I am trying to hold on to those moments as motivation to keep marching forward. Thanks for confirming that 3 months is not really enough time to feel 'healed'.
Unfortunately this morning my thoughts and feelings got the better of me and I ended up asking her about some detail regarding those two and a half weeks. A detail which in the end changed or would change very little, and it set us off on the wrong foot. My wife seems to break down whenever I bring something up - I'm sure mainly because of the shame she feels.
I'm actually very sad this morning, as I would imagine many of you are, that my nice little family has to go through this. There are times where I just want to give up and have to remind myself that it is still early - and that in this short time I have made serious advances - and I can only assume an additional three months will move me that much further down the line.
One of the things that keeps me going obviously is the kids - my twins often will call out "mommy daddy mommy daddy" just like that. It makes me want to cry every time - the thought of taking that away from them - the thought that there is this small grey cloud over my head as I watch this - the fact that I just can't make things right.
I do love my wife. Tremendously. I wouldn't be working or suffering as much as I am if I didn't, but the kids just give me that added push to work real hard to get things to a better place - hopefully better than before.
Long post I'm sorry but I wanted to just add a couple things that my psychotherapist pointed out this week - IC.
My therapist sees us on our own as well as a couple so she is aware of both of our situations. I was talking to her about how things were going and things that I have observed about my wife and she came to the following conclusions:
1) that by the sounds of it my wife suffers from what could be a severe mood disorder - one of the stories I provided to prompt this observation is one day a few weeks back - in the span of six hours - my wife made the following statements to me:
9am "A love you and I am looking forward to spending my life with you.
12pm "I want to make love to you right now" (we didn't)
3pm "I loathe you, I can't do this"
2) that she also believes that she has some other issue involving her lack of relationship with father - abandonment issues.
So, my family may also be dealing with other issues on top of what has already taken place - or perhaps they have been intertwined all along.
The final thing I took away from my meeting is this. She told me that when she was in school one of her professors pointed out that given the right circumstances anyone - anyone - could do something really really hurtful to themselves and to the ones they love and that it isn't necessarily a reflection on who they are.
I'm trying to hold on to this statement as well. Hopefully it will never apply to me, but I guess it is possible.
Thanks again everyone. Any other feedback would be great.
Couple things -- your wife is already taking psychiatric meds, so do not fear her seeing a psychiatrist. Some 80-90% of psychiatric meds are prescribed by non-psychiatrists, why not let the pros handle it? It does not mean anything negative about your wife.
What y'all went through to get pregnant is highly stressful, physically and psycho-socially!
Toddlers and infants -- enough said!
FOO issues (family of origin issues) are real and legit. Sorry you having to endure the sins of her father. But you two can emerge stronger!
Your wife really sounds like she has jumped into trying to work through and fix the situation. Since you lover her and want your family in tact, you are right to feel grateful. However, the knife cuts just as deeply whether they want to repair the damage done, move the affair underground, or walk away. The pain is the same!
Lastly, there is hope! You will survive this, and it should like there is a great chance your marriage and family will survive this too!
I believe now more than ever that my wife was somewhat 'broken' leading up to her - short lived - affair. Just the other day she opened up a bit, something that she doesn't do often and would prefer more of, we were on the verge of an argument when she stated that she was "F'ed up" that she "Wasn't connecting with me, her kids, her family, etc." Which I can confirm - at the time I didn't notice.
Thank you for also saying that the FOO issues are 'real and legit'. If I except FOO issues than her behaviour makes even more sense to me. The OM was her boss, old enough to be her father, and as a result in a position of authority.
A month prior to this mess her father hurt her again - mentally. So when she got involved with this guy - he was praising her accomplishments, telling her how great she was, blah blah blah. I also know that he did the majority of the chasing. So when it came down to it she enjoyed the validation this man - who could be her father - who she respected professionally - pushed the envelope she may have been less able or less willing to say no because for one the whole illusion could have ended and secondly she may have been letting this 'father' figure down. Now I'm no Freud, but this makes a bit of sense to me, especially if she was going through a proper depression on top of the FOO issues.
Again not an excuse, but perhaps an explanation.
I believe that the only reason I am looking for an explanation is because of how illogical her situation was and the fact that she ended things so quickly. Someone on this board once wrote to me that there are three kinds of cheaters:
1)Serial cheaters
2)Those looking to get out
3)Those who were in a bad place and ran into the wrong person - My wife is here. So I would like to know how she got to that bad place so she doesn't revisit it.
One last thing.
When I am calm and thinking about the situation clearly, I try to spin in positively. Most recently I am trying to think of the situation like this. If this didn't happen, there is a chance that my wife's depression could have continued, which could have led us god knows where. This episode has now brought the situation to light, with relatively minor damage (in the grand scheme - she could have believed that she loved this guy, STDs, she could have tried to harm herself, etc.), and we can fix what was broken with the marriage, but more importantly with my wife. Since the affair she has become a 'real' mom for the first time and it is good to see.
Now if I could only keep my brain on this track all will be well.
My wife finally had her appointment with her psychiatrist. This was a one off visit, an hour, so not sure how much can truly be flushed out in this hour - my wife did have an interview of questions a few weeks back that the psychiatrist examined prior to this appointment.
The short of it is this. My wife suffers from the following (mildly apparently, but nevertheless)
- Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder
- Adjustment Disorder
- And we received confirmation that she most definitely had a post-partum episode - the severity of which we really won't know.
She also commented that what my wife got involved with this summer was more than likely a culmination of things over the past few years. She used the snowball analogy. She got into the chemical reactions that would have been taking place once her boss started paying her attention.
The Dr. did mention that my wife needs to be aware when she starts drifting (if it happens again) and that she needs to reach out and tell people - me, a friend, counsellor, etc. because it could be that easy to correct.
FOO issues were not discussed.
So has this information helped me?
A little. It has at least confirmed that my wife had cards slightly stacked against her better judgement. It also helps me, just a little, understand my wife when she says that she "wasn't herself" that she felt "like another person" during the A and prior.
It has been a couple of days and I am trying to hang my hat on the fact that my wife wasn't of complete mind. It works some of the time, but I keep drifting in and out of empathy. At least I can say that my wife wasn't simply bored, or sex starved, or whatever.
I can say that it has given my wife some peace. One because she doesn't have some major illness, and two that perhaps her mind wasn't straight.
Anyway, I thought this information might be something to think about for some people.
As for thoughts today.
I am having trouble accepting that the children's mother did what she did. Again it isn't so much that she cheated on me, but where she cheated on me (us). I can't get the fact that their mother had sex with a man that wasn't their father in the back of a Hummer. This will forever be the case. I realize that people have sex in vehicles all the time, but there is something gross about it. This is one of those issues that can't be fixed by leaving, separating or whatever. It just is, and unfortunately I don't know how to overcome this.
Thanks again for all the words from everyone.
She was not in her "mother" role when doing that act. If fact, she may have been snowballing away from that role at the time.
Some leave the role and never look back. Your wife is not running from that role. She is coming back to that role.
So understand, she need to be more than just a Mother. She somehow needs to feel like a Mom, a sexy wife, and a desirable female, all without snowballing again. And she can feel all this within the context of your marriage if you all work on growing and supporting all her roles.
Some people fall into once a woman or man had kids, they can have no other role other than their parent role. They have old scripts and records from their upbringing that they use to judge their level of performance. This is why so many of us say "Ewe" when we picture out parents having sex. Guess what, your Mom and my Mom were and are sexual being too!
Make any sense?
If I use the 'Spock' side of my brain everything you are saying makes sense. The 'Kirk' side not so much.
I agree with everything that you are saying about her needed to feel all of those things. It's a Fine Balance.
I guess part of my struggle is that I realize that I need to shake my gloom in order to provide her with the things she needs. In some way I believe that if I make my wife feel special I will reap the benefit. How do I pull that off when I am having difficulty myself?
I believe that TIME is both my enemy and my friend.
I'm curious as to how people feel about the 'snowball' analogy that the psychiatrist made in regards to my wife's affair?
Denile >> Anger >> Depression >> Acceptance
Your gloom means your moving through the healing process. You will not be stuck there forever.
I buy the snowball analogy