Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.
It's been over 3 years since the affair. After endless therapy and feeling like we are in a great place I am pregnant with our first child. He's been taking such good care of me, it's felt so good to be the center of his universe. After building trust over the past several years I have loosened the reigns significantly. He has gone on a couple of guy trips that he really convinced me everything was fine…..not a thing for me to be worried about.
A little background on me….I was raised in a Christian home and still have strong convictions. I am not ok with strip clubs and I don't want my SO jerking off (I make myself available). After his last guy trip for a bachelor party in San Francisco I really had a tough time. When asked SO convinced me that he was with a really good group of guys and they spent their whole time going from one bar to the next.
Yesterday we met up with the bride and groom for a dinner with a bunch of people. The guys started talking about the bachelor party. The bride started laughing and said she thought it was so cute because her husband-to-be came to her and said he felt so guilty because they all went to a strip club.
This has thrown me into a complete tailspin. Every bit of security and trust I have built over the the past 3+ years feels like it was all a lie. He told me he lied about going to a strip club to "protect" me. He didn't want to upset me especially while pregnant. He said he knows I had 3 sisters growing up and don't understand men at all. They go to strip clubs at bachelor parties, they need to jerk off sometimes and when they see a hot girl walking down the street they can't help but look.
Everything he says just sinks me deeper into this hole of despair. I feel like my whole world has been turned upside down. I feel like I'm being thrown right back to the day I found out he was cheating. He couldn't just be honest….he convinced me she just gave him a bj. Then over the course of weeks/months the truth came out. I just can't rely on his word. I was finally at a point in my life where I was really happy. I really thought we had reached another level. The communication was open both ways. Now I don't know how deep these "protective" lies go.
Our therapist is on vacation until next week and I don't want to tell any of my family whats going on bc they are all going to be extra defensive and protective of me bc I'm pregnant.
I also found out I'm having a boy…..and after last night, I am scared out of my mind. I can't bare the thought of raising a boy who is possibly going to hurt someone this intensely. I am so scared of raising a boy. I thought guys who had been bad always had a girl. I wish he was having a little girl so he could see how important truly protecting her would be.
A little background on me….I was raised in a Christian home and still have strong convictions. I am not ok with strip clubs and I don't want my SO jerking off (I make myself available). After his last guy trip for a bachelor party in San Francisco I really had a tough time. When asked SO convinced me that he was with a really good group of guys and they spent their whole time going from one bar to the next.
Yesterday we met up with the bride and groom for a dinner with a bunch of people. The guys started talking about the bachelor party. The bride started laughing and said she thought it was so cute because her husband-to-be came to her and said he felt so guilty because they all went to a strip club.
This has thrown me into a complete tailspin. Every bit of security and trust I have built over the the past 3+ years feels like it was all a lie. He told me he lied about going to a strip club to "protect" me. He didn't want to upset me especially while pregnant. He said he knows I had 3 sisters growing up and don't understand men at all. They go to strip clubs at bachelor parties, they need to jerk off sometimes and when they see a hot girl walking down the street they can't help but look.
Everything he says just sinks me deeper into this hole of despair. I feel like my whole world has been turned upside down. I feel like I'm being thrown right back to the day I found out he was cheating. He couldn't just be honest….he convinced me she just gave him a bj. Then over the course of weeks/months the truth came out. I just can't rely on his word. I was finally at a point in my life where I was really happy. I really thought we had reached another level. The communication was open both ways. Now I don't know how deep these "protective" lies go.
Our therapist is on vacation until next week and I don't want to tell any of my family whats going on bc they are all going to be extra defensive and protective of me bc I'm pregnant.
I also found out I'm having a boy…..and after last night, I am scared out of my mind. I can't bare the thought of raising a boy who is possibly going to hurt someone this intensely. I am so scared of raising a boy. I thought guys who had been bad always had a girl. I wish he was having a little girl so he could see how important truly protecting her would be.
In glad you are reaching out for support. It sometimes helps to know you're not alone and to have others who can empathize with what you're going through.
You called him your "SO" - does this mean you aren't married? If you are, how long have you been married?
Just curious. You don't have to answer. :)
I think an automatic reaction for many people when they have done something they feel is OK but know the person they are talking to doesn't is to lie, avoid, misdirect. It's too bad he wasn't honest about his trip. Even more tragic that he couldn't respect your wishes. For the record: not all guys go to strip clubs. My husband never has. I think the old "everyone else does it" excuse is tiresome. If "everyone" picked their noses, but you found it offensive, seems to me he could curb his desire in order to ensure your comfort.
It may be time to revisit boundaries you established early on on recovery. You both may feel as time goes on that it's ok to go back to certain risky behaviors because so much time has passed. I think certain hard and fast rules should probably stay in place whether it's been 3 months, 3 years or 3 decades. Sounds like strip clubs are one of those boundaries for you. More importantly, discussing why it's not even so much that he went as much as he LIED about it that hurts and undermines everything you two have been building. If he had been upfront front before he ever left, you two could have figured out a plan to make the trip ok for you both.
If he had given you a heads up, maybe you would have been ok with it "just this once". Or you could have asked him to have everyone plan to go to the strip club last and he could have left early. Or .. Who knows. A million ways could have been worked out so that you both would have been happy with the outcome. Maybe he needs to know that he can talk to you about things and negotiate a solution BEFORE so that things like this don't come up.
Regardless, my heart goes out to you. Setbacks like this can be so crushing and so frustrating.
Take care of yourself.
your little boy as well. Talk with your SO and tell him, he has a new beginning here, to raise a son he can be proud of. It is up to him to set the example your son will follow. Raise the bar.
As for the lies, well, yes, it's what liars and cheaters do. Change does not come about overnight. But actions do have consequences. I'd tell him how disappointed you are. How his lies have caused a set back in your
relationship. Ask HIM what HE'S going to do about that. Put the monkey back on HIS back, right where it belongs.
I would explain to him that he needs to remember that while he has choices, you do, too. You are not a foregone conclusion. You will not hang around and let a liar and a cheat raise your son. Your SO can continue to lie if he wants, but it comes with a price.
I see an inconsistency in your story. You are a Christian, yet you are not married to this guy and are living together and now having a kid out of wedlock? huh?
The only way to rebuild trust is transparency. Hiding anything like that destroys the work.
I don't know your relationship dynamic, but he needs to be aware why any lies are such a big problem for you. Have him read what I wrote if need be. Or even better, my article, "Narrative Reconstruction"
http://healinginfidelity.blogspot.com/2013/10/narrative-reconstruction.html
But I would suggest that men don't have a lock in the lying department. My wife cheated on me with a seven month series of affairs. Two of them physical. While my wife did step up to the plate after dday (discovery day), there are several men here whose wifes didn't.
The gender of the child has little to do with it. More about the values you instill into them by word and example than anything.
I have two boys. They're pretty honest young adults (in their 20s).