Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.
My husband and I were doing really well since the end of November.... so I thought. The other night I was at work and he sent me a text in the middle of the night telling me he feels like there is a distance between us. He doesnt trust me. He knows I did something and I am not telling him. You would think I was the one that cheated. Dday way 10 mnths ago. Everthing started this time last year. We are going through memories of what happened and both having a hard time with it. Over the summer I had a crush on a mutual friend (my escape from the pain of the affair). There was lots of flirting, but nothing ever happened. I opened up to my husband about this in November (even though he already knew). He did not want me to say anything to our mutual friends bc he was embarrassed. Now, tonight he told me he told our mutual friends and they think I definitly did something. I am LIVID. I have been working so hard at this marriage to be a good wife. I could never cheat. It goes against everything I am as a person. Now all of our friends think I'm a cheating whore. I went out to dinner w one of them tonight and danced around conversations so I wouldn't have to tell her. I just don't know how much longer I can go on in this marriage. He had the affair....not me. Somehow I am being given crap everyday. I can never do enough for anyone. I want to scream. I was crying, went for a drive, shattered a coffee mug. I can't get the rage out of my system. I am SOOOOOO angry. All I can think about is him banging another woman, and somehow I'm the one taking crap right now. I don't deserve this. We are supposed to go to vegas w our friends this weekend.....I don't think i can do it. I want to lash back at him so badly right now. And clearly these friends of ours have no idea who I am.....bc anyone who knows me, knows I would never cheat.
Why did he start to feel like there was distance between you and that he didn't trust you? That is the big question and how he reacted to those feelings should also be a big part of the discussion. If he did go to your friends it sounds like he acted impulsively. What would the benefit be, did he need a shoulder to cry on or did he intentionally want to alienate you? I'd be pissed that he crossed that line and went to your friends on something he thought and didn't have proof of and here you have proof of his A and you didn't tell them
Rebuilding is difficult and it sounds like you both may need to work through this in mc I would contact the mutual friends and ask them to please not take sides or give input since it would cause far too much conflict and result in possibly losing friends.
If either of you need to confide in friends then it should not be people you ate both friends with. Also whatever is being confided in should really be open discussion between the two of you as well.
Communication is so important in this process.
I think your H is struggling with his own guilt and so he is throwing this back on you. Before dday my H was always always so jealous of me and anyone I talked to he would accuse me of seeing someone, and all along it was him having the A. I think he may have been afraid that because he was doing it, maybe I could do it too.
Get your H into MC. You've worked too hard to let it all go now.
But after I left, I heard through the grapevine they still think I did something, they just hadn't found it yet. I suppose they think that because if they were in my shoes, that's is what they would have done. Same dynamic going on here I think. If he was in your shoes and flirting with someone, it would have been to have sex and cheat. So he naturally assumes you went there too.
But he has no proof and you can't disprove something that didn't happen when people get it in there minds that something did happen. Crazy. But it does sound like he's doing this not only because of the above, but because he would like it to be the case, so he doesn't feel like it is you being so morally superior to him. It's an ego contest thing. If he can bring you down to his level, then it makes him feel better about what he did.
One word of advice. I know this makes you very angry, and I can understand why it would. But sometimes reacting that way only confirms in their minds that they are probably right. It makes it look like they've hit on the truth and that is why you are flying off the handle. Often those that protest too much are guilty.
So to be more convincing that you are innocent of those charges, better to react with calm indifference with a simple denial along the lines of, "How crazy. Of course I didn't do that. It would go against everything I believe." And then move on as if you aren't giving it a second thought. Maybe get annoyed at him for even thinking that it was a possibility, but not angry with him.
Whether you agree with Newt or not, or believe he is no longer involved with cheating etc., like he was back 15 years ago, how he handled the question about his second wife's assertions is the right tone to set. You remain calm, but forcefully deny the charges and question the motive of the accusations being delivered. In this case, that he is trying to dismiss and diminish his own sins by ginning up equivalent sins in you that didn't happen.