Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.
Hello. I just joined this forum, but I have been reading discussions for a few months now and have found many of them to be very helpful. My husband of over 20 years began looking for something outside our marriage about 3 years ago. As far as I know, it started with online relationships-looking and chatting with people he met on Craigslist and Ashley Madison. Our relationship suffered greatly, and it did not take much investigation for me to discover what was going on. You all know too well how much pain this caused me. His behavior seemed very out of character, not what I expected from a loving husband and father, a Navy man who I admired for his strength of character. We did some MC and reconciled. There have been little signs of continued infidelity over these past few years, and while I made it clear that I did not want to be married to a cheater, I never felt like there was enough evidence or breach of trust to justify breaking up our family. I think my own insecurities made me too weak to really draw the line and stick to it.
I feel like all of 2014 has been one big D-Day. I say that because I knew something was wrong again starting in early spring. Discovered "online" affair in June, only to discover at the end of August that it was really a full-blown affair. He met a recently divorced teacher on DateHookup in 2013, convinced her to date him, and fell in love with her. She decided after about a year that she does not want to date a married man (nice, right?) and broke up with him. Multiple times, actually. Lots of breaking up and getting back together because of love. She finally found the strength to end it, and it put him into such a deep depression that it motivated me to snoop and I discovered the online part of the affair. Apparently there was intermittent texting throughout the summer until I found evidence that they'd been meeting in person. I told him in June that I could not tolerate anymore lying, and he chose not to come clean. On D-Day, I fell apart and actually begged him to stay. It's not easy to admit this.
Well, husband says he is a Christian. We have always been church-goers, and we were both raised in devout homes. He finally decided to take the advice of some Christian friends and stick with our marriage. His counselor has told him that he has strong narcissistic tendencies and that he sometimes sounds like a high schooler in their sessions. He has struggled a lot with his feelings of grief over the loss of the other person. He admitted to driving by her house several times and trying to contact her in October (she blocked his texts and calls). Since then, he says it's been much better. He's over the intense feelings of loss and longing.
Around the holidays, he seemed to start struggling with contentment in our relationship. He shared that he recently had some feelings of sadness regarding the affair. He was down, and he has been needing to reach out to others for support.
I have a really tough time dealing with the fact that he seems to be regressing and that he thinks about her. I don't think I always handle this well. I asked him the other night if he really wanted to be with me, and he said yes and added that he has had a rough couple of weeks. This led me to ask him if he has driven by her house again, and he admitted that he has.
I am having a tough time figuring out where to draw the line. What he did is not really a breach of NC, but it has the same effect on me. It hurt me and made me withdraw emotionally. Our problem was made worse because when my husband saw me reacting that way, he also wanted to withdraw. When I was ready to talk about it in a loving way, and more importantly, when I really needed to hear and know that he loves me, he was unable to be loving and spent about an hour talking about not understanding why he acts that way.
I know that he can't turn his feelings off like a switch. I know he will have grief, and he may think about her occasionally. They did have real feelings for each other. He is working on being less selfish (he's got a great counselor) and being more empathetic, but I often agree with his counselor that he has the emotional maturity of a high schooler a lot of the time (and I should know-I have 3 teens!). Why does a 53 year old man, married for 21 years with 3 children, career naval officer, church-goer, etc...focus so much on trying to figure out what he feels? I just want to be loved!
I am working on myself with the help of a counselor. I'm back in school, working on a second degree. Exercising. Trying to make friends. I know I would be okay by myself, but I would really rather be happy with my husband. I've had a lot of time to consider what he means to me, and I still value many of his qualities and feel genuine love for him. Even when I'm not "feeling" it, I know that I do and can love him. Love is an action, right? He struggles with that. It is hard for him to act loving when he does not "feel" it.
Any advice, encouragement, shared experiences would be appreciated.
I feel like all of 2014 has been one big D-Day. I say that because I knew something was wrong again starting in early spring. Discovered "online" affair in June, only to discover at the end of August that it was really a full-blown affair. He met a recently divorced teacher on DateHookup in 2013, convinced her to date him, and fell in love with her. She decided after about a year that she does not want to date a married man (nice, right?) and broke up with him. Multiple times, actually. Lots of breaking up and getting back together because of love. She finally found the strength to end it, and it put him into such a deep depression that it motivated me to snoop and I discovered the online part of the affair. Apparently there was intermittent texting throughout the summer until I found evidence that they'd been meeting in person. I told him in June that I could not tolerate anymore lying, and he chose not to come clean. On D-Day, I fell apart and actually begged him to stay. It's not easy to admit this.
Well, husband says he is a Christian. We have always been church-goers, and we were both raised in devout homes. He finally decided to take the advice of some Christian friends and stick with our marriage. His counselor has told him that he has strong narcissistic tendencies and that he sometimes sounds like a high schooler in their sessions. He has struggled a lot with his feelings of grief over the loss of the other person. He admitted to driving by her house several times and trying to contact her in October (she blocked his texts and calls). Since then, he says it's been much better. He's over the intense feelings of loss and longing.
Around the holidays, he seemed to start struggling with contentment in our relationship. He shared that he recently had some feelings of sadness regarding the affair. He was down, and he has been needing to reach out to others for support.
I have a really tough time dealing with the fact that he seems to be regressing and that he thinks about her. I don't think I always handle this well. I asked him the other night if he really wanted to be with me, and he said yes and added that he has had a rough couple of weeks. This led me to ask him if he has driven by her house again, and he admitted that he has.
I am having a tough time figuring out where to draw the line. What he did is not really a breach of NC, but it has the same effect on me. It hurt me and made me withdraw emotionally. Our problem was made worse because when my husband saw me reacting that way, he also wanted to withdraw. When I was ready to talk about it in a loving way, and more importantly, when I really needed to hear and know that he loves me, he was unable to be loving and spent about an hour talking about not understanding why he acts that way.
I know that he can't turn his feelings off like a switch. I know he will have grief, and he may think about her occasionally. They did have real feelings for each other. He is working on being less selfish (he's got a great counselor) and being more empathetic, but I often agree with his counselor that he has the emotional maturity of a high schooler a lot of the time (and I should know-I have 3 teens!). Why does a 53 year old man, married for 21 years with 3 children, career naval officer, church-goer, etc...focus so much on trying to figure out what he feels? I just want to be loved!
I am working on myself with the help of a counselor. I'm back in school, working on a second degree. Exercising. Trying to make friends. I know I would be okay by myself, but I would really rather be happy with my husband. I've had a lot of time to consider what he means to me, and I still value many of his qualities and feel genuine love for him. Even when I'm not "feeling" it, I know that I do and can love him. Love is an action, right? He struggles with that. It is hard for him to act loving when he does not "feel" it.
Any advice, encouragement, shared experiences would be appreciated.
Even though I have never felt at fault for his emotional affair, I was the one suggesting the books, making MC appointments, etc. so I was definitely a part of it. I gave that up. I said, ok I am neither at fault or have any part in what drove you to this behavior. These behaviors are all yours.
There may be issues I want to discuss with a therapist, but as long as you have the behaviors that allowed you to make these very bad decisions, I see no need for MC, as we do not have a marriage. Marriage means trust, open communication, honesty and transparency. I do not trust yet, open communication is improving, but I still get blindsided by him, and I question the honesty and transparency because those little behaviors are still there.
In other words, I backed totally off. I think of it as the 180 but with a seemingly willing partner. He has read every book, communicates better, accepts the "fault", etc. but in my mind, I was still leading a horse to water. I have decided he needs to find his own well and get himself there. If he is thirsty for our relationship, then fix the parts that let you take a chance in throwing it all out, as I could have easily said get out when I discovered the EA.
I have not felt this good since the day before DDay. I recaptured myself. I found my voice. I stood up for myself. We went to our last MC session Monday. I explained my position to the therapist and she said, That is wonderful. Doesn't it feel good to have your voice back?
He has an individual counseling session this week. I will look for those behaviors that indicate he has not moved forward and will point them out to him and he can do what he wants with them. I will give him some time to see if there are any changes, I will see my own therapist, if needed, but for now I am out of having any part, responsibility, or any other connection to the EA. He broke it, let him prove he can fix it. I stepped out of the parenting role.
I am sure (hopeful) that at some point we will resume MC to learn to have open communication, but not until I feel I have a marriage to an adult, not a child.
I guess we all have to find the formula that works best for us, as we are all different. I am just sharing what has seemed to move me to a far brighter day.
I sometimes, now that enough time has passed, try to imagine what it would do to me if my H fell in love with someone else even while saying he still loves me. Truthfully it hurts a lot just to think about it. I think it would mess with my psyche terribly. I know I wouldn't handle it well, and yet I did that to him.
Has your H read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual For the Unfaithful?
I would strongly advise you and your H to read Surviving An Affair By: Willard F Harley Jr. H and I are reading this now. It is so good, I think it may have risen to the top of our "required reading" list. His book His Needs Her Needs: Building an Affair Proof Marriage is one of the first books we read that our MC got us to read and it helped us immensely. His website is called Marriage Builders marriagebuilders.com.
H and I have been reading books aloud together since Dday. A lot of A related books but also some general marriage enrichment books. We take it slow and easy, no pressure to read often. I usually read aloud whenever we are alone in the car together for very long. It's a wonderful practice though because it helps get us thinking and communicating about things in a very non-threatening way. It sparks some really good discussions.
Your situation sucks - but - the fact that your husband is honest with you lightens my heart. Yeah, I know, it sucks having someone say, "Yeaaaaah, well... I was thinking about someone else..." but holy cow. That honesty is what I would have killed for during my husband's affair and after discovery. He was all about the trickle truth. He'd tell a little bit, but not all, and as I would uncover more truth, he'd reveal more... maybe. If I asked the right questions. It was hell.
It's also heartening to hear you say you're taking care of YOU. You're right - we all have our own journey and have to do things in our own way. There is no ultimate formula for recovering from infidelity, but I will say that it is vital for a betrayed spouse to "tend his/her own wounds". That isn't to say that having a spouse nurture and support you isn't fabulous, it's just that we have to learn to take care of ourselves and "be well" on our own. It gives us the strength to stay - because we know we can stay or leave and that we're not STUCK.
I second marriagebuilders.com - as Gabby said. It's worth peeking at - and if it's not for you, no harm. There's SO much free material that you can get a good inkling of whether or not it's for you without investing a ton of time or money. Surviving An Affair was fabulous, and for US, so was Love Busters. There's a book for about every situation in Dr. Harley's library. He's a bit pompous in his delivery, but once you get past that, there's some good info. :)
You sound like an amazing woman and I will keep you and your husband's recovery in my thoughts.
I will look at the marriagebuilders.com website again. I read voraciously over the summer and early fall, but I have let that go a bit. I expect I might find value in exploring it again with the new information I have and having had time to reflect on the situation and our relationship.
Thankfully, my husband's current therapist is insisting that he be completely honest with me. This is his third counselor; the first one was all about him finding what would bring him happiness and the second helped him take a bit more of a realistic view of things but did not encourage him to come clean with me or to make a decision to work on our marriage. I think I have just started to get radical honesty within the last couple of months. I am grateful, but sometimes his answers cause more pain than I think I can bear.
And yeah, I really hate that this other person has any place in our lives. I'm sad that my husband invited her in and that he still allows her a place in his thoughts. I am definitely ready to remove her from my thoughts. I think I am moving toward the attitude that you suggested, HowCanThisB. It's taken me a while to believe that I didn't cause this. My therapist keeps telling me, "If you didn't break it, you can't fix it." I think I am finally starting to understand/agree. Just needed to make sure that I have done all I can first. It is time to let go of the pain.
I don't blame myself for his behavior over the past three years, but I do know that our relationship was not always that great in the years prior to the infidelity. It was difficult to let go of this burden-that I needed to do something to fix things- without feeling like I should do everything I could to make our relationship, apart from all the affair crap, better first. Does that make sense to anyone?
Thank you again, everyone!