Hello. I have been dealing with PTSD since 2003, when I had my trauma. I had been dealing with Bipolar Disorder my entire life unknowingly. I was a shy child. The first time I considered suicide I think I was in 7th grade. I just didn't want to go to school that day. People made fun of me for being fat, even though I was not. I was healthy. But, in the Valley in Cali, that is fat. I guess I just thought my whole life that everyone fantasized about killing themselves when stuff got rough. It was comforting. In about 2015, my mental health care started to form because of a good doctor and another suicide attempt. He is the one that diagnosed me with Bipolar Disorder, apparently everyone does not fantasize about killing themselves multiple times a day. It is a very bad symptom of Bipolar Disorder. It has to do with wanting to know where the next blow will be coming from. Because life is all blows. I would think about hitting myself in the head over and over, and a couple times I tried it - but it just gave me a headache. Right before that suicide attempt, I started thinking about stabbing myself i my heart and stomach. Something I would never ever do - how painful! Worst way to die I could think about. One of the other terrible symptoms of Bipolar Disorder is knowingly putting yourself in harmful or questionable situations. This is how I got the PTSD. I got off work one night on the Las Vegas strip. I worked at a tattoo piercing parlor while I was going to school away from home at UNLV. My long distance boyfriend and I had a fight, about him cheating and lying to me about using drugs. I wanted to die I guess that night. So, I did what countless people told me never to do. I went walking alone at night on the strip. I found my trouble. I was mugged and beaten up, practically left for dead. Thank God they did not rape me. I don't know how my mind would be right now if they did. Worse. I would be a lot worse. But, I'm still not good. I go from zero to 100 when I'm triggered. Shouting and being mean to everyone I love for no reason. I legit wish I was dead. I used to say that you could ask me at any given time if I'd rather be snowboarding, and I'd say yes. Now, just substitute dead for snowboarding, yes. I don't have the courage to commit suicide. It takes a lot of courage to push a knife down into your veins and draw blood. I know, I've attempted it several times. 

I spend every day and night in my bedroom. I don't leave the house except for doctor's appointments. I'm smart, currently working on my PhD through Capella University, in Psychology - of course. In my spare time I stream on Twitch, videogames, World of Warcraft specifically. I get so much negativity from the guys that stream, just for being a girl. But, I can't help but love the competition aspects of it. I’ve been stretched really thin lately because my brother has recently gotten together with his ex, again. She has a child from another man, whom I love to pieces. Rowan. He is the light of my life. But, his mom sees me as free babysitting to the point where if he’s not with me – he’s crying and screaming because no one will pay attention to him. Cue the beginning of a new school quarter. I hate to turn him away and tell him Auntie is busy – because he will be ignored the entire day. He will play outside my door – no doubt thinking he did something wrong for Auntie to not play with him. Kids always think it’s their fault. I started talking to a guy I’ve liked for a while on Facebook. We’re in the same comedy group, for like 4 years we’ve just been commenting on each other’s memes. He decided to open a conversation, and I was really excited just to have someone to talk to… but then today he’s acting like he doesn’t even know me. So, here I am. Sad. Over a boy. Over my nephew. Over starting school and being stretched so thin. This life is such a waste. It would be better for everyone involved if I just wasn’t even here.