I'm so with you. My friends will try to act excited like they have with all my children, but I'm so affraid to let myself be exited. It's strange because sometimes i'll have glimpses of being a "normal" pregnant woman, then I quickly stop myself thinking don't get your hopes up. This morning my mom had some trial size toothpaste and floss that she brought to me saying put this in your bag for the hospital when you have Hope. That felt really weird.I felt like if i take it then I will jinx myself. As much faith as I have in God, all these superstitions are consuming me. I think our hearts and minds have such a tough protective coating right now that is hard to break through and allow ourselves to feel excited. Hang in there. God Bless, Cynthia

I know exactly how you feel. It is almost like your happiness or excitement are really guarded and though you are so thrilled to hopefully have the opportunity for another baby, your heart also remembers so clearly the loss of another. I find it hard too when people tell me, "This one is going to be just fine, I have been praying and only have good feelings and thoughts." While I appreciate their sentiments, to us we obviously know that there is no for certain thing so it is hard to just assume that our baby is coming when we have previously suffered our tragedies. I was actually struggling with setting up the nursery as well because I keep thinking to myself, "Why set up a nursery if another baby may not come" but then I also think "But if we don't set up the nursery then are we planning for him not to come" (last weekend was a big struggle with that). However, in the end I decided to start setting things up because it was exciting and also felt right to do it for this baby too. I think it helps to share with others too your own reservations that way they know how you are feeling and can be more understanding of all the ups and downs that are associated with this pregnancy. I wish you the best wishes and hope that you will bring home a healthy baby. Lots of hugs.

( I just wrote this in another topic, but i think i put it in the wrong one)... I am so excited for everyone ! I will be 17 weeks on Saturday. I am also having another Boy! I have been feeling alittle bad, because my husband ( Bernie) is getting really excited. I want to get excited, but i feel like i just cant do it. I get kind of annoyed when he tells people that I am pregnant ( although soon they will be able to tell). I just dont want to go through this again. I lost Jake at 35 weeks, and feel like this is not hitting me. I didnt even tell my son Ryder, because he will be 4 and was really looking forward to Baby Jake, and was so confused and sad when i came home with no baby. I dont want to disappoint him again. Does anyone else have these feelings?? Any advice ?? We picked a name and so far it is Lukas Jake, we definitely wanted to have Jake as the middle name, even if it was a girl! hope all is well. xoxoxo

I am only 6 weeks along and have a very numb feeling. I haven't told anyone yet at work and since I am a school teacher, I am hoping not to have to say anything until next school year when I come back after summer break. I am definately not ready for everyone's questioning. I want to keep things completely different this time. As far as buying things and doing the nursery and such. The nursery is still done from before we had Colin. We had it completely set up and I have not been able to do anything with it since he passed. I enjoy walking in the room and looking around. It makes me feel as if Colin is very close to me being in his room. I figure that I will keep the room the way it is girl or boy and if needed we will change it after this child is here in our arms. I will make sure I have ideas in mind if we need to change it for a girl, but I won't do that yet. Also, as far as buying clothes and such we have some "universal" outfits that will work for a while. My husband and I were fortunate enough to get tons of things at our baby shower for Colin so we really don't need to do any shopping in the beginning. I'm hopeing that being so planned and ready for Colin, will help me get through this pregnancy with not having those stressors of things since it is already done for me. I wish everyone the best of luck. My thoughts and prayers are with everyone and your families! HUGS to all! Christa

Boy do I know what you mean. I was so afraid to tell people at work b/c I got freaked out when people said "Congratulations" I would get anxious and overwhelmed. I wanted to say, "don't say that something could go wrong". People must think I am a kook but I am excited .I am just too afraid. I don't think we can help the way we feel. It is our body's way of coping with what we've been through- it's a protective meshanism of some sort that I wish I could disconnect. I try to think of how far DH and I have come in these past 17 months and it has been hell so it is expected that we are changed people and we have emotional scars. If we didn't then something would probably be wrong with us!
One day at a time is the only way I can take it- otherwise it is too much.

I'm less than 3 weeks away now, and I'm just getting my nursery ready. I just keep praying that we'll be able to use it this time. It's still hard for me to have that "unguarded excitement." Laurie