Candy,
Thank you so much for this post. I feel exactly the same way. I'm 30 weeks today, and it feels like each day my emotional state is getting worse not better. Like you I am grabbing for the doppler a lot. In addition, I am being seen weekly because it makes me feel better. At this week's appointment I had a complete sobbing breakdown. My husband couldn't come, so, as on the day I found out Noah had died, I made the long drive to the clinic alone. It was a bright sunny day, just as it was that day, and with both journeys, my baby was still. Last time I thought nothing of it, this time I FREAKED OUT! My bp was through the roof and when my doctor finally came in the room I sobbed like I haven't in months. I finally calmed down enough for her to check for a hb, and thankfully - mercifully - our daughter was fine. I then sobbed to my doctor about how scared I am and how I can't do this and I can't bury another baby. All she could say is everything is fine. They have nothing else to offer because there really is nothing else to say. You're so right Candy - it doesn't matter. How hollow and worthless words sometimes are.

I sometimes think, why in the world did I do this to myself? If I can't handle the heat, why did I go in the kitchen? Why did I set myself up for nine months of terror I feel ill equiped to manage? I thought during that short time in between Noah's death and this pregnancy that I could not survive the rest of my life without another baby in my arms. It didn't occur to me that I would be terrified for this baby's life the entire time.

Anyway - I'll stop because I'm pretty sure you know where I'm coming from. Thank you again for your post. I'm sending big hugs your way and wishing you and all of us the very best.
Donna

Hi Ladies:
I feel the same way and I don't know what we can do about it.
I even catch myself saying "if we are lucky enough to have this baby..." I never say "when this baby is born".
I wish I could be optimistic, but I think that was stolen from us and no one can understand this feeling, but us.
All of our bright and cheery family members and friends mean well, when they act all excited and as if nothing bad can happen.
Anyway, I am trying to just take it one week at a time on this long, long journey or so many emotions. I wish us all happy and healthy endings.
We have the strength somewhere and some how, or we would not be faced with this.
Hugs,
Sonia

I think we all feel this way. It would be abnormal not to. Now that Alex is moving around more, I totally freak when I don't feel him... and while it's normal for a baby at 23 weeks to not move all the time, my irrational brain freaks me out. I feel the same way when people ask how everything is going... it's fine. Everything was fine until 39 weeks 3 days with Morgan. There's no way of knowing what could happen and that's so scary. I try to think positive and think that this just couldn't possibly happen again. I truly believe that this little guy will be okay... of course, that doesn't mean that I don't freak out every now and then. And I imagine it will only get worse. So, what I did do is set down a date with my OB for induction. I told her I needed an endpoint... a day to look forward to. I think that has helped too. Hugs to you all. Denise

I agree with everyone- we will never feel safe until they are here. Not until the last push and we hear that beautiful cry. The other night I went to be monitored because the heartbeat was low 110-115 for over 20 mins after. I had chocolate cake and tea an hour earlier. My husband called the nurse, and she said calm down and have a coke. That's why I don't call because I can't stand to be talked to like a "normal" pregnant woman.Of course we called back and demanded to go in. Thankfully all was well, but the calmness that comes from a "good" check-up only lasts momentarily. Earlier that evening I allowed myself to order an outfit to bring Hope home in, which scared me to death. Then the low heartbeat, all the way to the hospital I was convinced that I would have to bury her in that outfit. Like Denise i have to set goals like an induction date, which I will get this time. Up until now I have little goals like weekly appts, kids getting out of school, anniversary. With each of them i think of how far along I will be. I have so many calendars to mark off goals -it's crazy. ;) Keeping the sanity is hard,but I know we are all strong women. We will make it. i'm so glad we have each other to go through this because family and other friends mean well, but they seem to forget that everything was perfect before. They truly think -well, that can't happen again. Well, I say we never would have thought a perfectly healthy baby at 9 mos would die, so don't try to keep me calm. There is no calm in this. We are mommies that have lost a child; we carry the world's worst pain, but because of it we are the strongest people alive. Praying for all of us and our babies. God Bless, cynthia

I don't know if there is more I can add. But I am so thankful that I have you all as my friends. I couldn't do it without you. I am getting my freak out moments too. And only we can understand why. I am so scared of the weeks ahead. We will have the 1 year from when Liam died very soon. I took the day off of work, but I wonder if that will even be enough. I will be reliving everything and I am afraid I might hurt this baby if I am overly stressed. I can't control it sometimes. And I hate it when people say- well, this time everything is ok, right? I mean come on... that just makes me so angry. Like I knew anything was wrong with Liam, if there was anything wrong. Like we know what would happen in the next minute. Do they really think that would help us? Argh.

Thanks ladies for all of your comments. Im so glad I have all of you to lean on when I feel the need to speak what is in my heart because I know only you all will truly understand. Hugs and prayers to all.

Like you all, I am also freaking out as the delivery date gets closer. I will be 33 weeks (soon to be 34) and I find that the closer everything gets I am more excited but also way more worried too. I find that my sadness also grows and I feel more like I did after my daughter died last year with all the anxiety and worry. Plus, I am close to tears lots of times and the littlest things can set me off (I had a crying fit one morning when I woke up, the house was too hot and I hadn't gotten enough sleep..honestly a crazy woman!) Plus, I have been on modified bed rest since 19 weeks so not being able to get out of the house is also driving me bonkers too. I just want to bring my baby home. I keep saying, "Hopefully when baby comes" because I just cannot say for sure like other mothers do. I am thankful for all of you here on this website as we can all appreciate the fear and worry of trying again after a stillbirth. I hope all of us can bring home a healthy baby. Sending hugs to everyone!

I am only 10 weeks now and am feeling this way. Not being able to feel this baby move yet is killing me. I just wish I could see inside my body or get an ultrasound every single day to see what is going on inside. This is a horrible feeling. I'm trying to stay as positive as I can, but as many of you have said hearing from the doctor that everything is fine means nothing to me at all. I just wish we all had that innocence again, but maybe not having that innocence again and being more aware of our body signs and signals will insure that we all will bring home a healthy child in our arms. I continue to pray daily for the Lord to help me to have a living, healthy child. Hugs and Good Luck to you all!

i'm just so grateful to read that i'm not the only one that feels this way. no one who hasn't been here is able to understand what this is like. my lack of confidence makes others uncomfortable so i often keep my mouth shut cause i just can't have the optimism that they want me to have. even hubby doesn't seem to be on the same page with this. he even wanted to cancel our first appointment to hear the HB b/c we're a little tight on money, which i can't handle. i got my way, we're going but even the thought was frustrating.... might have to get a doppler.....