Pregnancy after Stillbirth Community Group
Coping with pregnancy after stillbirth
I'm sure everyone is super sick of hearing me rant and rave about terrible doctors, but I just can't help myself. I am way way way beyond frustrated with the whole medical profession.
I am currently on my 3rd doctor with my rainbow pregnancy. I am almost 26 weeks now. Up to this point, I have received NO "extra" monitoring or care, despite the fact that I'm seeing a perinatologist exclusively now. My original OB is pregnant and due at the same time as me. I "fired" her partner at around 15 weeks because he was so negative about me renting/getting a doppler-- it was a complete battle, and I just felt like he was not supportive at all. Now I'm just about ready to fire my perinatologist as well, because he is also being extremely difficult to deal with. I swear all these doctors want to do is argue argue argue.
Basically, I'm not comfortable with my perinatologist's "plan" for monitoring my pregnancy. He is only going to do one additional ultrasound at 28 weeks (besides the one we had at 18 weeks), unless there is an "identifiable problem". He is not going to start NSTs until 30 weeks (I'm ok with that). He also keeps going back and forth about when we can deliver this baby.
I told him that my anxiety level is high, and I would be more comfortable if they would do additional ultrasounds at 32 and 36 weeks, with particular attention to the baby's umbilical cord. I really don't think that it's an unreasonable request (given what I went through with Caroline). In fact, Caroline's NST 2 days before she died ended up looking "normal" by the time we left the hospital. Her ultrasound the night we went in for decreased movement was the ONLY thing that ever showed anything wrong with her (the clot in her cord). I told him I would be willing to pay for the ultrasounds completely out of pocket, if our insurance wouldn't cover it. I also didn't just "make up" 32 and 36 weeks randomly. I read somewhere in Dr Collins research that babies are more prone to an umbilical cord accident at those gestational times. I don't dare mention Dr collins to him though, I can only imagine his opinion on THAT subject.
All he had to say to me was "Sure, Whitney, if that is what it takes to put your mind at ease, I would be happy to do that for you." Instead, I got another headache and battle. I had to sit and listen to him tell me crap like "that is not the best evidence based practice", and that the extra ultrasounds were a "waste of healthcare resources and dollars" and that "extra monitoring neither improves fetal outcome, nor prevents stillbirth from happening" blah blah blah. He FINALLY did agree to it-- citing that if it would improve my "mental condition" then it was "probably" worth it. He made me feel like a total head case. He proceeded to go on to tell me that he "understands how I feel". I told him there was NO WAY he knows how I feel. He told me that "sure he understands how I feel"-- he's delivered enough stillborn babies over the years, he gets it. Whatever. Why bother arguing this point with such an ignorant person.
All of this just doesn't sit well with me. Keep in mind, I have not ONE time called or bothered him with a question or problem. I just don't think I'm being unreasonable. I worry, as time progresses I will not feel comfortable going to him with a problem. I'm not up for any more battles. I just can't take it. On the other hand, I am just tired. Tired of it all. My husband acts irritated that I can't seem to find a doc that I like (and this one is supposed to be a family "friend"), so I think maybe I'm being unreasonable? I don't want to change doctors AGAIN, but I don't want to risk my baby either. What should I do? Thanks for taking the time to read this.
I am currently on my 3rd doctor with my rainbow pregnancy. I am almost 26 weeks now. Up to this point, I have received NO "extra" monitoring or care, despite the fact that I'm seeing a perinatologist exclusively now. My original OB is pregnant and due at the same time as me. I "fired" her partner at around 15 weeks because he was so negative about me renting/getting a doppler-- it was a complete battle, and I just felt like he was not supportive at all. Now I'm just about ready to fire my perinatologist as well, because he is also being extremely difficult to deal with. I swear all these doctors want to do is argue argue argue.
Basically, I'm not comfortable with my perinatologist's "plan" for monitoring my pregnancy. He is only going to do one additional ultrasound at 28 weeks (besides the one we had at 18 weeks), unless there is an "identifiable problem". He is not going to start NSTs until 30 weeks (I'm ok with that). He also keeps going back and forth about when we can deliver this baby.
I told him that my anxiety level is high, and I would be more comfortable if they would do additional ultrasounds at 32 and 36 weeks, with particular attention to the baby's umbilical cord. I really don't think that it's an unreasonable request (given what I went through with Caroline). In fact, Caroline's NST 2 days before she died ended up looking "normal" by the time we left the hospital. Her ultrasound the night we went in for decreased movement was the ONLY thing that ever showed anything wrong with her (the clot in her cord). I told him I would be willing to pay for the ultrasounds completely out of pocket, if our insurance wouldn't cover it. I also didn't just "make up" 32 and 36 weeks randomly. I read somewhere in Dr Collins research that babies are more prone to an umbilical cord accident at those gestational times. I don't dare mention Dr collins to him though, I can only imagine his opinion on THAT subject.
All he had to say to me was "Sure, Whitney, if that is what it takes to put your mind at ease, I would be happy to do that for you." Instead, I got another headache and battle. I had to sit and listen to him tell me crap like "that is not the best evidence based practice", and that the extra ultrasounds were a "waste of healthcare resources and dollars" and that "extra monitoring neither improves fetal outcome, nor prevents stillbirth from happening" blah blah blah. He FINALLY did agree to it-- citing that if it would improve my "mental condition" then it was "probably" worth it. He made me feel like a total head case. He proceeded to go on to tell me that he "understands how I feel". I told him there was NO WAY he knows how I feel. He told me that "sure he understands how I feel"-- he's delivered enough stillborn babies over the years, he gets it. Whatever. Why bother arguing this point with such an ignorant person.
All of this just doesn't sit well with me. Keep in mind, I have not ONE time called or bothered him with a question or problem. I just don't think I'm being unreasonable. I worry, as time progresses I will not feel comfortable going to him with a problem. I'm not up for any more battles. I just can't take it. On the other hand, I am just tired. Tired of it all. My husband acts irritated that I can't seem to find a doc that I like (and this one is supposed to be a family "friend"), so I think maybe I'm being unreasonable? I don't want to change doctors AGAIN, but I don't want to risk my baby either. What should I do? Thanks for taking the time to read this.
Anyway, this time I prefer to only see the dr who delivered Adelyn, as she has been SO good to me. She sent us a sympathy card, came to the hospital memorial service, spent lot of extra time with us. She would even call just to check on my afterwards and just listen, often spending an hour talking to me over the phone. She would even call at times she knew my older daughter would be napping. She just gets it, as much as someone can, because she was there. She validates my feelings probably better than anyone who hasn't experienced this themselves.
So, this time I saw a different dr. and that was fine - she was very nice and I was fine with it. Until I checked out and made my next app't. I HATE the receptionist. She is so insensitive - all she cares about is which dr. I haven't seen. Last time she made some comment about "oh you've seen that dr. a lot." I wanted to scream at her, I can do what I want, read my file, my last baby died, this is not a normal pregnancy, it's very difficult so I see who makes me most comfortable! But I don't want to make a scene. When I see my usual dr. she walks me out and tells her who I will see next time (yeah she is that awesome.) Since I didn't see her, I was left to do it alone. I think I may have to call and tell my dr. about that situation, because every time it happens I leave and cry on the way home and get so angry and upset. NO need for that. So she scheduled me with the 1 dr. I refuse to see. I just let her do it then I call and reschedule! lol.
Sorry that doesn't relate to your post, I just needed to vent also. My dr does whatever I want and is very kind. I really don't want to deliver at the same hospital, I got the preregistration papers and my heart sunk. The only reason I conisdered going back there is because I can't imagine going through this with any other dr. I don't know what to tell you because I trust mine. I wouldn't want to switch but your dr. doesn't sound very understanding at all and that would be hard. I'm supposed to also start nonstress tests around the same time as you. I haven't really had any extra monitoring either but I've been ok with it. My dr. tells me to call anytime if I need something. Funny that I haven't really had to but sometimes she will call and it's like she has read my mind because it's always on days I need someone to listen to me!
I know what you mean about husbands - mine doesn't understand much. He doesn't even remember when I have app'ts usually. He actually did call and ask today, surprisingly. HE got an earful because I was angry. That's probably why he rarely asks!
They were willing to do extra ultrasounds every few weeks and to pay very close attention to the cord, fluid, placenta etc., and I appreciated that, however, they also seemed to practice medicine "by committee" which I am not comfortable with after where I have been, I want a dr. who makes his/her own decisions based on my conversations with him/her. This group needed to discuss whether it would be okay for me to do at home monitoring with Dr. Collins, and they ultimately met and decided that wasn't going to work for them. Then they wouldn't agree to deliver me around 36 weeks - this was of course after leading me to think that this would be okay after my first visit with them. They told me they felt confident that they could monitor me enough and that the outcome would be a good one, and at the end of the day this wasn't good enough for me. I was monitored closely with the girls (my twins) and that simply wasn't enough - I should have been delivered when I went into the hospital at 35 weeks, and they kept me for awhile and sent me home after doing NSTs for hours and determining that everything seemed okay...needless to say it wasn't.
So ultimately I am with my third high risk group, I found a Dr. who practices in a group of 6 but he sees his patients and he agrees to work with the plan that you and he agree upon. Which means that I am allowed to start with Dr. Collins around 30 weeks (I am almost 27 now), and he will deliver me between 36 and 37 weeks even if everything looks perfect at that time! He was the first person I found who didn't give me an arrogant attitude and who I didn't feel i had to fight every step of the way. So far he has been great and it has been a huge relief - you DESERVE this type of physician to care for you, and I know they are out there. I suggest you call several high risk groups and tell them you would like consult with them - set up an appointment and feel them out on all the important issues (I looked on local message boards for women who raved about their high risk OBs for ideas and I researched their backgrounds online).
Keep us posted on what you decide to do! At minimum feel free to vent to us anytime, we understand exactly where you are coming from - your current physician on the other hand has no idea what it feels like to bury his own child...and I might actually tell him that if I were you!
Right now I'm in the same practice, but I have only 2 doctors- both of them were with me during my induction journey. First one told me, that Daniel past away, he was gentle, caring and worried, second switched with him in the morning and delivered Daniel. He is my primary OB. I have fabulous care, and all practice knows to make my appointments ONLY with those two doctors.
As of your doctor goes WHAAAT?!!!! I would fire him out of the bet! He thinks that US is extra costs for healthcare- he is full of bulls***! At this point YOU and your Baby should be his focuse! Who cares about money if its about your child's life?! And if I would hear, that he understands, because he delivered stillborns SO MANY TIMES thats shows you, something is wrong with that practice, that they are not monitoring their patients well, since they have stillborns. My Daniel was a first stillborn in my doctors 13 years experience and he was crying his eyes out! Now I'm 11 weeks and have scheduled US for every 3-4 weeks. I had 3 already.
Please, search for another OB and I hope you will find somebody who will really care. You deserve it!
I was "dismissed" from the 3rd people because I cancelled an appointment due to a flat tire after I had missed an appointment the month before which I didn't care about because I had seen the perinatologist instead. The 4th doctor was an attempt to go back to the same people I went to during my pregnancy with angel. That definitely wasn't gonna work and the stupid doctor even called me hostile. He didn't seem to take my questions serious. This was at 26 weeks and instead of getting an order for my glucose tolerance testing, I walked out with a referral.
So I went to those people, who a couple ladies from my support group had been recommending, at the end of my 27th week. They are both the OB & MFM, so I was gonna stop seeing the perinatologist I'd been seeing. By that point I guess my standards had lowered because there I was beginning my third trimester and still not having a doctor. I thought they were gonna be okay until yesterday when I called and told them I was in the ER over the weekend due to some spotting (a few drops into the toilet, not just when wiping). I was hoping they'd get me in to take a closer look, but you know what they told me AFTER I had to call back late afternoon because they never responded to the message I had left for the nurse first thing in the morning?
"Keep an eye on it..."
WTF does that mean!!! I was so sad and discouraged yesterday after hearing that. I mean HELLOOOOOOOO, I had an abruption last time so don't you think you might wanna take a look and see where the bleeding could be coming from since there was none visible via internal exam? She said since I had a US last Tuesday and everything was fine that there was no need to look again. Something coulda happened between Tuesday and Friday and I was very dissatisfied with that response.
In closing, I say that as long as you're pregnant, you have time to find another doctor. I guess I've just given up at this point and will try to stick it out. But if you have the energy and feel like putting in the extra effort despite the emotions it brings to the ones you already have, go for it. We all know how much our little ones our worth it.
Aaaahhh, I'm so glad you asked. I guess I needed to vent too. Doctor's suck.
After being told twice to "Keep an eye on it" I decided to just go to L&D when I saw just the tiniest bit of spotting a few days later. Well guess what? They kept me for 2 days because apparently I was having too many contractions and immediately gave me steroids for lung maturity as well as shots to stop my contractions. Turns out the spotting I was having was just one of several symptoms of preterm labor I was having. I hope my careless doctors realize the mistake they were making by not listening to me. I had to stay home from work for the remainder of the week and when I see them on Tuesday, I will really be stepping up my emotion and attitude because I'm tired of not being taken seriously.