Polyamory Community Group
A place to discuss living a polyamorous lifestyle - the joys, the challenges and everything in between. Polyamory (a hybrid word -poly is Greek for many and amor is Latin for love - coined by among others Neopagan poet, author, lecturer, and priestess Morning Glory Zell-Ravenheart) means "The practice, state or ability of having more than one sexual loving relationship at...
I'm 39 years old, married for 16 years to an overall wonderful man. He's kind, respectful, funny, good-looking, does so much to support my career, does so much around the house, and is a fantastic dad. We have been on the same page about so much since we got married, this betrayal is shocking to me.
He knew I was polyamorous before I did. I still have trouble accepting myself because of all the negative stereotypes and judgment that comes with it, which is funny, because when it comes to other people, I am extremely accepting and non-judgemental. We have played with other couples together over the years, I had what can only be described as a side relationship a few years ago with an awesome guy that ended amicably, and I have recently accepted the fact that I have feelings for a mutual friend (a friend of both of ours for a decade, so, lots of trust there already). Both my husband and I are demisexual, and it's clear that I am polyamorous. We tend to get crushes on and play with our friends. I've been researching more about what that truly means and what this means for us.
I set more boundaries for myself than my husband sets for me. I am very respectful. He has been very accepting of who I am, but he has one stipulation: total honesty. I think that's extremely reasonable. I have truly done my best to accommodate this wish. I do not have penetrative sex with my other partners, there are just some things I prefer to do with him around if I'm going to do them. As you all know sometimes it can be hard to keep track of certain things (did we make out for a few minutes or half an hour? Did we kiss before or after dinner? You know, the details), but I have done my absolute best to be fully honest with him, even when it was uncomfortable. This mutual friend of ours I am seeing -- it's very sweet and innocent. He takes me on dinner dates or cooks for me, we drink some wine, and we make out. It hasn't gone further physically for a lot of reasons (I want to take it slow, this guy has never had a polyamorous relationship, I'm more comfortable doing things with my husband there, etc). But I love making out with him. It feels almost like I'm in high school again, except there is better food and wine is present. :)
The problem: I do not think my husband is polyamorous at heart, although he thinks he is or would at least like to try it. He's a lot more introverted than I am, and it's much easier for me to meet people. He also struggles with self-confidence although he's working on it. He has mentioned before that he wants to try some of the dating apps (the ones that accept polyamory, he doesn't want to be deceptive). I have admitted I'm not comfortable with that because I'm fairly well-connected in our community and it's only a matter of time before someone finds him. I have a lot of single friends. We are not "out" to most of our friends -- we haven't used the "polyamory" word even to those who know we're open. We're still coming to terms with it, reading books, and figuring out our own boundaries. So, while I have told him I'm not comfortable with dating apps, I told him if he did want to try them, to please at least tell me so I wouldn't be blindsided. He said he would.
I asked him again last night if he was on any sites. He looked me right in the eyes and said no. But my gut was nagging at me. When he went to bed, I found his OK Cupid profile. There were no lies on it, he was open about being married and what he was looking for. But it absolutely destroyed me. I didn't think he was capable of telling me such a bold-faced lie. I immediately woke him up and confronted him. He tried to play dumb, but I had the profile on my phone. He was extremely apologetic. He said he never intended to meet anyone (and there were no conversations -- he had liked a ton of profiles of polyamorous women, probably over 100, but he said he was just looking). He just wanted to see what was out there. I can tell he's genuinely remorseful but it still feels like groveling and I am devastated and broken-hearted.
I don't want to throw away over 20 years together and our family. I love him, and he has been extremely patient with me as I try to figure out my own sexuality. He has forgiven me for many blunders in our relationship, and I have forgiven him for things in the past as well (not infidelity, but other things). Nothing has ever hurt me like this before. I don't understand why he expects total honesty from me but couldn't bring himself to give it to me. And what comes naturally to me clearly feels forced to him, and I feel like he's trying to "keep things even" more than anything else. The worst part is, there isn't a single person in the world I feel comfortable talking to about this. I have plenty of friends, but none of them would understand, and I don't want anyone's pity. So here I am. I am hoping someone sees this who has been through this because I am so lost and crushed today. And it couldn't come at a worse time, I have an extremely busy work week and plans to get to know my daughter's school friends' parents and all I want to do is crawl into bed and not get out. I never thought I'd be the wife who caught her husband on a dating site. Ever.
The past cannot be undone, and it's not just a speed bump. There's something going on much closer to the core that is going to take some serious open heart surgery ( in a metaphorical sense ) to isolate. In the process you might find that this isn't an isolated incident.
Then you're going to have to decide if you want to start over and rebuild your trust. If so, you'll be able to take some shortcuts, and in the end you both may evolve even farther than before. Or perhaps some other influence will set you both on new paths. I cannot say, but you are brave to share and I wish you much love and success in the long-term, regardless of how things are now.
https://youtu.be/dlu504XxrYA
I certainly see how he broke your trust. Your feelings are valid. I'll say it again, what you feel is valid. For myself and my marriage, things like trust, honesty, communication (especially about the hard stuff!) is essential. My marriage is under considerable strain, and the fact that I have these things are what is enabling us to have any hope of working through. So, here is how I look at this...I hope you find this helpful. For me, blame and excuses are useless. But communication and understanding are important. It is ok for you to be hurt, it is ok for him to be hurt if he is hurting. Support each other and create safe spaces to be emotionally honest with each other. Why did he do it? What is he going through? What are his feelings that led to that action. If he doesn't know, support him so he can figure it out. His actions are NOT ok, but his feelings are, so focus on those. You clearly love him and want to save things, so I would suggest the end goal would be understanding, figuring out what you need to rebuild trust, and finding a way for both of you to move forward. Of course, easier said that done!
One more thing you said that's nagging at me. You mention that you don't think your husband is truly polyamorous. I myself am relatively new to polyamory as a lifestyle (disclaimer, I certainly don't know everything, I'm still learning). I am not the one in my marriage who chose polyamory, and I am starting to believe I may be the mono part of a mono+poly marriage. So, I would say that if that is true about your husband then he may be having a really hard time of things. I'm happy to share if you are interested.
I may not be much help from a poly perspective, but you want to chat, or hear about my experience, or just vent, please feel free to message me.