Polyamory Community Group
A place to discuss living a polyamorous lifestyle - the joys, the challenges and everything in between. Polyamory (a hybrid word -poly is Greek for many and amor is Latin for love - coined by among others Neopagan poet, author, lecturer, and priestess Morning Glory Zell-Ravenheart) means "The practice, state or ability of having more than one sexual loving relationship at...
So it's my first time posting here and want to say the post I've read so far have been such a huge help. My wife and I are new to the Poly life and at the moment she's the only one that goes out on dates. This is by choice as I'm not wanting to date anyone at this time and I refuse to just date for the sake of dating. That being said we do have fun together with her boyfriend and sometimes his wife as well. Those times are great but they are rare occasions. She has a standing date on Tuesday's and I have a pretty solid pattern of emotions that I go thru when she leaves. First I'm excited for her and then it turns to jealousy that's it'a not me out there with her for a little bit and usually it calms down and I'm happy knowing she's out having fun and enjoying herself. Tonight's different cause I can't stop these racing thoughts about what their out doing or is she having fun or is she not. I'm not sure why this is happening and I wish I knew how to turn it off. Usually I'm passed out sleeping already but here I am wide awake and unable to calm my nerves. Has anyone every experienced anything like this where typically you're always good but all the sudden you have a night where you just can't stop thinking about your partner who's out on a date?
Unfortunately there's no short answer ( from me anyway ), and it probably won't stop the uncomfortable feelings. It also gets a bit technical, but that's necessary in order to navigate through it. We're also assuming here that there's no intent by anyone to cause any discontent, and that it's simply an emergent situation resulting from well-intentioned behavior. Given that as a starting point, the basic principles are:
A. Polyamory isn't a free pass to behave however we want.
B. There are always consequences for our behavior.
If the consequences are positive, then we typically encourage the behavior. However when it's negative, then we typically change our behavior. In your case the consequences are negative. Therefore someone's behavior needs to change.
The question then becomes: Whose behavior needs to change? I don't know all the details of your relationship, however generally speaking, in any relationship, when behavior is causing negative consequences, then it's prudent to stop the behavior while you assess the situation and decide what the best course of action is.
So my first suggestion is for everyone involved to put their relevant behavior on hold while you all sort this out. This will also have consequences that might be uncomfortable for some involved, including your partner's other partner ( POP ),
However there is a general principle that everyone should be able to agree on, and that is that in a poly relationship, everyone is supposed to matter to each other, and therefore everyone should be able to recognize that there is a problem and be willing to do what is needed to help each other get through it. If someone can't, then logically, they are adding to the problem. But for now, we'll assume that won't be the case.
You will notice that this doesn't lay the blame at anyone's feet, and it requires that everyone participate in the solution. So you'll need to do your best not to point fingers. That means the extracurricular activity ought to be put on hold, while you all work together to sort it out.
I can't tell you how this will go. It may or may not go well. It might also be uncomfortable for some or all of you. However no matter what the outcome, it will evolve your relationship and offer you a path to navigate forward.
I hope this helps. There's often also a lot of other very good words of wisdom by other participants here, so listen to them too, and choose the best course of action for you.