Polyamory Community Group
A place to discuss living a polyamorous lifestyle - the joys, the challenges and everything in between. Polyamory (a hybrid word -poly is Greek for many and amor is Latin for love - coined by among others Neopagan poet, author, lecturer, and priestess Morning Glory Zell-Ravenheart) means "The practice, state or ability of having more than one sexual loving relationship at...
Hi Everyone,
At the moment, I'm feeling very discouraged and angsty. The short story is that I'm 99% sure I'm polyamorous, and it terrifies me! I'm facing a lot of internalized polyphobia, and I guess I'm looking for encouragement from like-minded people.
So, here's the longer story. I'm 25, and eight years ago I came out as bisexual. My girlfriend and I got together two and a half years ago, and for the first time in my life, I have found someone I want a future with. Marriage, a family, the whole shabang. When we first started our relationship, I was right in the middle of some bad promiscuity days, so our relationship was open. I did dumb things, she got hurt. We closed our relationship eventually, once I'd stopped needing to degrade myself, and I figured that was it. I'd stay in counselling, overcome the trauma that led me to sleep around, and she and I would be fine.
That's all changed in the last month. I met a man who is incredible! We connected immediately, and for the first time in, like, thirteen years, I've met a man who would be very good for me and who I would actually want to get to know before sleeping with. At the moment, my girlfriend and I are working on our relationship before we consider opening it to him. I can honestly say that I did not fall for this man out of dissatisfaction with my girlfriend. I can honestly say that I love both of them a lot. I can honestly say that my girlfriend would always come first; she would be my primary. Incredibly, I can also honestly say that both of them are understanding and open to this, it is just going to take time.
Here's the problem tonight. I feel like the ground has been ripped out from under me. I always swore I "wasn't one of THOSE bisexuals who would date a man and a woman at once". I'm afraid that if I were to come out, my family and friends would not understand, or worse, think I'm just going back to my slut days. I'm frustrated that most of the poly friends I have are actually swingers. This isn't all about sex! More than anything, I feel so uncertain and betrayed by my own damn identity. For crying out loud, I thought I knew myself! My girlfriend tells me that she always knew I wasn't conventional, which is sweet, but I still feel like there's something wrong with me. And yet, feeling so strongly for both of them makes sense to me.
I guess I'm looking for someone to talk to who can relate and help me feel like I'm not alone. Who understands why coming out to myself (and others) is important to me. Who can understand that yes, I'm sexually attracted to this man, but that barely scratches the surface of how I feel.
Thank you to anyone who reads this and responds. I did this on a total whim, and it got wordy, but I hope something comes of it.
All the best!!
Save your energy, for one, because even a triad based on love is a lot of work. Now, yours sounds like a V-relationship, and you are the apex, which I would think would be draining. The good news is that you have at least 2 people who love you for who are. (That's got to mean something.) It also sounds like your 2 special people are willing to be friends. I hope that's the case, because such a friendship makes a triad much more stable, as I understand it. (Have you read about William Moulton Marston, the creator of Wonder Woman? His V-triad started with an ultimatum, which is so not cool, but by the end, his two significant others remained friends and housemates the rest of their lives, even after his earlier death.)
How much do your family and friends have to know before you yourself are certain? We're taking our time, ourselves. Our 3rd does attend certain events and outings with us, and we attend hers, and we introduce each other as family friends. It's not meant to be an equivocation -- it gives our family, friends and acquaintances a chance to meet and see us as people before asking them to wrap their head around an unfamiliar cultural pattern.
I do completely understand your social fears. I cannot say I have been totally out about being poly. Those close to me know; the general public does not. Your concerns are well-founded. A lot of people look down on poly folks, and see us as fundamentally dysfunctional people. I have even seen this in the LGBTQ community.
It sounds to me like you have a wonderful opportunity with two great, open-minded people with a lot to offer. I cannot tell you people will get it; they might not. I can say this human life we have is precious, and love is the most beautiful aspect of that life. I say, embrace love! As far as when/if/how you come out to people, I think be cautious about that. Talk to your partners about it and trouble-shoot situations in advance (people will say weird and insulting things to you). One of the most common is to be accused of being juvenile. I think that's just nuts! In my experience, it requires a lot more emotional maturity to be ethically poly than monogamous, but I digress. But congratulations on being fortunate enough to find a great man and a great woman. You are a very luck human being :)