Hi everyone!

I am new to this group and I have a very peculiar situation. I know many won’t understand and that’s ok. I just hope I’m not the only one who has personally experienced this.

It’s almost been a year since I came out to my husband about being polyamorous. Prior to that, I had been dealing with it alone for about 8 months. It was eating up at me and I felt a lot of guilt and shame through the journey.

Another factor in all of this was that I grew up  a devoted evangelical Christian. While I discovered this new identity, I also went through a crisis of faith. I knew I had (and still do) a deep love for God. Almost every night, I cried thinking I was going to hell. I begged God to heal me. To me, it was an identity. I always felt different since I was little and there were memories where monogamy stressed me out. I didn’t know of polyamory until recently, but I had always knew the idea of it without the definition. To me, it was an identity that I always struggled with because I thought it was lustful sinful desires.

When I started re-examining my faith, the Bible, evangelicalism, I realized that I believed in a lot of toxic theology and really hadn’t truly learned how to study and read the Bible. This was eye opening, and I eventually came to the conclusion that polyamory isn’t a sin. 

So fast forward to telling my husband. He didn’t know what it was and was shocked. His heart broke and he became afraid, depressed, confused, and resentful of me and our relationship. I tried my best to explain that this didn’t mean I didn’t love him anymore, or that I wanted to leave him, but he took it to a place of an ultimatum that it either meant I was going to act upon this, or that I wouldn’t and choose him. We were on the edge of divorce for 7 months. It was one of the worst seasons of my life and his as well. We went through counseling, I tried and asked him to read books about it and come to a group I had found. He did do those things which I appreciate, but he still is very uncomfortable with the topic and believes it is a sin. I also tried to be patient with his point of view and hesitations, but it was difficult for us both. 

A little bit before Covid hit and shut down our state, he was very distraught and asked if he could confide with some friends of ours who he deeply trusted. He didn’t want me there so that he could express everything he needed to. It was the hardest decision for me to say yes to because I knew there would be misunderstanding without me and it’s my story to tell. But he was so distraught, so I allowed him to talk with them alone. After he saw our friends, he came back to me a few days later and told me he loved me and wanted to stay married to me. He said that if our relationship meant me needing to explore other ones, he was willing to give it a try. 

So we tried to take baby steps and he was having anxiety attacks and not trusting me. So I come to find out that he really didn’t think about his answer to approve it and just said it to save us. 

I had then decided to do what felt like was a last resort to save my faith and myself from this issue. I decided to do a fast because I wanted God to tell me if this was ok or not. Once I would get a clear answer, I told God I would do whatever was revealed to me. Long story short, I never got that answer during my fast, but I got way more than I ever expected. I received a peace, love, and grace that I never knew existed and I was able to fully know God loved me and accepted my identity, and that God wanted me to do the same. I shared the conclusion with my husband that I am poly and I don’t think it’s a sin. I would love and want to have other relationships, but I also will not jump into it unless he really is ok with it. 

I don’t want a tug o war between us since we have already done that. And honestly, the friends who I have talked to who experienced jumping into it while their partner wasn’t truly on board with it didn’t get healthy relationships they wanted with their first partner. I didn’t want that. To me, it seemed unethical and if I’m going to do this, I’m going to live as ethically as I possibly can. 

So my situation is peculiar because

1. I am poly. I accept my identity. I want to live it, but ethically do not feel ok about it with my husband and his issues with it right now


2. I’m semi closeted. Only good friends know and although most of them have been so supportive and amazing, it’s been a lonely journey.

I learned through my fast about meditation and manifestation. I truly believe there is a way for me to be poly, Christian, and have my husband’s support. I see it happening. It just hasn’t. 

I’m just wondering if I’m the only one who has experienced polyamory with a struggle of faith as well. I feel alone in my beliefs because I’m not “Christian” enough for a church anymore. But I also have a passion for my faith, especially with the new perspective I have of it. I feel like I won’t find people who can relate to this, but you never know. I’d love to find support, friendship, and understanding for experiences.