Polyamory Community Group
A place to discuss living a polyamorous lifestyle - the joys, the challenges and everything in between. Polyamory (a hybrid word -poly is Greek for many and amor is Latin for love - coined by among others Neopagan poet, author, lecturer, and priestess Morning Glory Zell-Ravenheart) means "The practice, state or ability of having more than one sexual loving relationship at...
my boyfriend has officially decided that he is poly. Meaning for him that although we've been together for 5 years and i love him with everything that I am he wants to add a third person to our relationship. He wants to fall in love with another person and for the person to love me and for me to love that person. In theory i understand how it would work and i guess i think it would be nice to have another person love me and much as my boyfriend does. But i believed in fairytales. the prince charming and happily ever after. finding the "one" and love of your life (singular). I understand that its not that im not enough but it still sucks. I miss the way our relationship was where saying "your the love of my life" meant something. again not that it doesnt mean the same thing it just feels different for me now. almost like im mourning how we used to be. Im sad that i wasnt enough for him. that my love for him isnt enough his trust in me isnt enough. We may have rushed into it but i pushed for us to have a threesome with a stranger because i knew it was parlty what he wanted but it hurt so much to see him with someone else. there was a moment where he was over her and i couldnt get in. where it was just him and her and i was outside. Right now i feel sad. like im not enough. like im an option to be with and that he can just decide what days he wants to be with who. I wanted to be special
If you and your boyfriend both want that, then all you have to do is make a pact that no new person can tell either of you that they have to make a choice between them and either one of you. That way no new person can break you up, and your love will survive the most common threat of all, the fear of someone new.
Usually the new person won't accept this condition and move on. Then your relationship will survive by default. However if they accept that you two aren't breaking up because of them, then you all win by having a new loving and totally amazing person in your lives.
It's still a fairy tale, but it's upgraded, where you make your own rules instead of the church, state, and media. Maybe try watching Professor Marsten and The Wonder Women. It's a true story set in the days when this was a far more challenging thing for society to accept.
Finding the right person is hard. You see my name? Its because we are kind of Unicorns in the poly world. A long term relationship where we each have a relationship with each other.
Open, honest communication and candor is what makes this work. It won't always be easy, but nothing worth doing ever is.
Something I would add to this thread is that the notion that people suddenly "decide" they are poly, isn't actually the way it works. This is sort of like those who think people suddenly "decide" to be gay, but a little different because the evidence clearly shows that humans as a species, whether they be straight, gay, or something in between, aren't naturally monogamous. Monogamy is a cultural invention, not an evolved trait. More here:
http://polyamory.today/Content/Natural_P01.htm
(goodness there's a lot of polyam emotional bypassing in the 'advice' going on in this forum).