Polyamory Community Group
A place to discuss living a polyamorous lifestyle - the joys, the challenges and everything in between. Polyamory (a hybrid word -poly is Greek for many and amor is Latin for love - coined by among others Neopagan poet, author, lecturer, and priestess Morning Glory Zell-Ravenheart) means "The practice, state or ability of having more than one sexual loving relationship at...
Hello and thanks in advance for any thoughts and suggestions.
My partner (female) and I (male) of two years are exploring the uncertain waters of transitioning from a purely monagomous relationship to an open relationship. She has expressed a wider set of sexual/romantic desires that I have not been able to meet despite my efforts to meet them. We both value this relationship, the love, familiarity and security it has provided as well as the aspects of sex and romance that do complement each others wants. She has recently shared a desire to explore an open relationship with other men (and possibly women) and feels confused and uncomfortable in the uncertainty of this. I wish to support her in her self-discovery yet am aware of my own fears and insecurities regarding feelings of jealousy, rejection and disappointment when I hear her desiring and getting her needs met by another (especially if it is another male). I have spoken with fellow guy friends whose experience and advice I generally value and am repeatedly encouraged to end the relationship before I'm continued to be treated like a "dickless-pussy of a doormat". I'm struggling with a paradox of wanting to allow my inner cave-man to throw its defensive, protective tantrum with copious amounts of masculine flair while at the same time honoring the extensive nuances of sexuality and ability to love through challenging differences.
If there are any others whom have been the more monogomish partner in a relationship that has transitioned from monogomy to polyamory successfully (or know of ones that have), I welcome any advice and suggestions on how to best support myself as well as my partner in love and compassion. Thank you.
Before you start your journey together you need to know you can handle this journey on your own.
There must be rules, or no go.
There must be complete open honesty, or not go.
If you do it, you need to hit the gym, or no go.
You need to back up and look at yourself, if you want this as well then great. If you can be open and honest with her then great.
IF you are just doing this to please her and give up on yourself then no go.
IF you are an in shape fit guy with insecurity issues you need to work on them.
You also have to be open to the idea that she may have already been looking and playing before hand.
What can you live with? What are you giving up to make her happy ( wrong idea).
Swallow your pride and see if this is what you ready want.
Are you both going to enjoy the adventure? or is it one sided?
No one can tell you what to do. No one is in your shoes.
Only you can step back and write down the pros and cons, are you strong enough?
If either of you are concerned that becoming involved with new partners might mean the end of your own relationship, one of the most beautiful things about an open relationship, is that it doesn't require that you throw your existing relationship(s) away.
Everything you have now can stay intact, and your shared experiences can strengthen your bond. Make that an understanding between the two of you before setting out. If it's crystal clear this isn't a breakup, but a shared life-experience, and that each of you can count on the other not to run off and abandon the other, then anyone who is new who tries to break that bond, isn't anyone to get involved with. If you can't agree on this before setting out, then you might as well just break-up now and let her go get it out of her system.
Embarking on it together will be successful only with complete honesty and no hidden agendas, mind-games, or tests. Use direct communication and active listening to make sure you're both on the same page.
https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/direct-communication
Be mindful of all of the consequences, take it slow, get to know enough about anyone you want to jump in bed with to be sure it's safe to jump in bed with them BEFORE jumping into bed with them. Neither of you want to drag something nasty home and share it with each other. Explore some of the reasons for caution:
http://polynatural.org/Content/Caution_P01.htm
Lastly: Something to consider is that few of us are ever completely fulfilled and satisfied in every way regardless of what sort of relationship we're in. Sometimes we just have to accept that life could be a lot worse without the love we already have, and that risking it for a new thrill isn't going to improve things over the long-term.
I would encourage you to seek out somatic experiencing resources to help you better understand the uncomfortable feelings coming up in you. Developing a more empowered relationship with them first is really important, and will help you figure out just what your capacity for being the mono partner of a non-mon person is.