Polyamory Community Group
A place to discuss living a polyamorous lifestyle - the joys, the challenges and everything in between. Polyamory (a hybrid word -poly is Greek for many and amor is Latin for love - coined by among others Neopagan poet, author, lecturer, and priestess Morning Glory Zell-Ravenheart) means "The practice, state or ability of having more than one sexual loving relationship at...
My bf has been seeing a girl behind my back for about two months. He says he wants to be poly & have her live with us but I am monogamous. I am trying to put myself in that mindset but he's been going to her house everyday & even doesn't come home till 4/5am. We barely spend time together anymore so it doesn't feel equal already it feels like he wants her more. He said she & him like the same things & she has qualities I don't. He says he loves me but when I ask if I can be the primary relationship & be secure that he won't leave he says "what if she feels that way". I've never done poly before & neither have they but she suggested it bc she knew he had a gf all this time. I will do anything not to lose him but I'm hurting a lot & he isn't able to understand why I make it a "big deal"
Could anyone on here that's poly give me advice on how to change my mindset to match theirs or give he and I both advice on how to do this.
I don't want to lose him but he's not happy with just one person.
many advice helps, thank you!
When I first encountered the polyamory community ( for lack of a better term ), It seemed like a great way to live, and conceptually, I still believe that. The problem is that I also found some real-world problems with it, the worst of which includes people who cheat and when they get caught, they use it to justify their poor behavior. Seeing another person behind your back is NOT polyamory.
Leaving you alone most of the time when you're hurting is also NOT polyamory. I've encountered many cases like yours where both sexes are equally as guilty. It takes time to learn how to navigate polyamorous relationships so that you can avoid the bad actors and those with their own messed-up versions of it.
Another problem you'll probably encounter are people who will tell you that there is no right or wrong way to do polyamory, and they'll even go so far as to ban you from their clique if you dare to challenge it. If you encounter that — don't believe them and don't hang-out with them.
In my experience they're hypocrites who are using their own rules to prevent others from learning what polyamory is truly about, as well as to justify controlling others and getting away with their own bad behavior.
On one forum ( polyamory.com ) they call the offense "no true polying" — which is an arbitrary denial of fundamental truths about polyamory — truths which are backed by its history and the definition approved by the people who coined the term itself. That entire forum is one big minefield — be careful if you go there.
Yet even with all its problems, polyamory is in principle, still the most natural and beautiful way to approach relationships that I can think of. If you are lucky enough to find someone who truly gets it, you won't ever be alone or feel like you'll be abandoned in favor of someone else. You will have a rich and fulfilling relationship with more than one person — all of whom will be there for you ( and each other ) in times of need.
Such relationships are out there, but I haven't been able to find one that works for me. Just finding one good person is hard enough. Perhaps I'm getting too old. But if you're young, you'll have lots of opportunities. In the meantime, my advice is to back-off from your current relationship until you get a really firm grip on how polyamory works, and then if you still want a relationship with your BF, explain it it to him so that he gets it. If he doesn't — then move on.
I'm also available to chat on Skype ( audio only ). If you want to set that up, send me a message and we'll arrange a time.