Polyamory Community Group
A place to discuss living a polyamorous lifestyle - the joys, the challenges and everything in between. Polyamory (a hybrid word -poly is Greek for many and amor is Latin for love - coined by among others Neopagan poet, author, lecturer, and priestess Morning Glory Zell-Ravenheart) means "The practice, state or ability of having more than one sexual loving relationship at...
hi. my partner (T) and i started dating almost 6 months ago. we'd been 'friends' for a year before that. about 2 months into our relationship, T said that they liked someone else (and had already told this person, A, that they liked them). We talked about it and decided to stay together however broke up a week later because of me being mono and them having realised they're poly (a few months into us dating). it's now been 3 months and them and A are probs close to dating. T has been cancelling plans with me to spend time with them, and a few days ago just didn't show up to our plans without telling me, and was with A. I am finding it quite hard to come to terms with my partner liking someone else, and struggle to see how they'll have time for 2 relationships. ive suggested a hierachial relo because i think that would be a fair compromise and make it easier for me but they are not interested. please can someone give advice on how i can handle this.
First of all, your feelings are perfectly normal for someone who has always seen themselves as mono and built their relationship expectations around that. There is a lot that we could dive into when it comes to that situation, but right now I think that some simple tools to navigate would be more practical.
All relationships, regardless of their type are held together by four main concepts — Honesty, Appreciation, Respect, and Communication. ( HARC ). If any one of those fail, the relationship is in serious trouble. If any two fail, it's doomed, no matter how much you might love each other. So start by identifying where these pillars have become unstable and strengthen them.
In your case, I would suggest that lines of communication should be running between yourself, 'T', and this 'other person, where you all get together and hash things out. I realize that this seems far more logical and simple here than in the real world, but you're all adults and there should be nothing stopping you. By being the one who suggests it, you are taking the lead, thereby giving yourself agency rather than simply feeling like a bystander.
Regardless of how that turns out, you will then have clearly identified where you are in the picture, along with who is willing to be part of the solution. Then you can move onto the next step. Try imagining how that could go depending on the likely outcomes, and then imagine how you would navigate that situation — always using honesty, appreciation, respect, and communication as your ethical compass.
In the end, if you are successful at maintaining your heading, regardless of the outcome, you will arrive at exactly where you need to be, even if it might not be what you thought you wanted at the start.
I'm really sorry for what you are going through. This would be really hard for me. I hope you are doing ok.
Mono+poly relationships can work but they are hard and take effort on both the mono and poly person. You make it sound like your partner doesn't respect you at all. This really concerns me. Cancelling plans or just not showing up at all is not good behaviour in any relationship, poly included. But to make mono+poly work your partner needs to care for and be invested in your well being. This doesn't me they stop being polyamorous, but it is totally reasonable to want support from your partner and expect them to show up to planned events. You have needs too and need to communicate those needs. If your partner won't try to find a way to help you with those needs, please look after yourself and decide if this relationship is best for you.
As for hierarchy, some people like hierarchy and some don't. There's no rule here. If you need a hierarchy, that's ok. I understand and as a mono person myself I appreciate having it. You can ask for it. But your partner can say yes or no. Sounds like it was a no? If you can't live with their response, then again I would suggest looking hard at if this is the right relationship for you.
Mono+poly works best when both people communicate, listen, respect, care for and support each other. The mono person In particular tends to need lots of support.
Hopefully you can find a way where your needs are met. Hopefully your partner wants to help meet your needs (in the way that they can while still being true to polyamory).
I would encourage you to reframe this a bit. As much as you want them to change their behaviour, my experience is that change only comes from within. They control them and you control you. Talk with your partner, let them know your needs and boundaries, let them know how you FEEL when they violate your boundaries or fail to meet your needs. You are not asking them to change exactly, but instead just being honest about yourself. From there all you can do is hope they care enough to work on it with you. But if they do not, you will have to enforce things for yourself by removing yourself, partially or fully, from the situation. They are in control of them, and you are in control of you. I hope that makes sense.
I'm not sure if you asked and they ignored you, or if you asked they agreed and then failed to keep that agreement. Not saying the first is great but if they did the second they are breaking agreements and you need to enforce your own personal boundaries by removing yourself from the situation. I know that's really hard but you only have control over yourself. Please look after yourself.
I'm so sorry. This sounds really hard. I'm the mono half of a mono+poly and having my own issues. I don't have all the answers, but if you want to chat please feel free to message me.