Polyamory Community Group
A place to discuss living a polyamorous lifestyle - the joys, the challenges and everything in between. Polyamory (a hybrid word -poly is Greek for many and amor is Latin for love - coined by among others Neopagan poet, author, lecturer, and priestess Morning Glory Zell-Ravenheart) means "The practice, state or ability of having more than one sexual loving relationship at...
I’ve been visiting this place for a while now, and I think I have come to the end of my polyamory journey. I have found in myself that I am not polyamorous and so this is not really the right place for me. I will be leaving the group soon, and I wanted to say thanks to the nice folks who where helpful. And I thought maybe I would impart some of what I learned...
Most of you are coming here, because you have a problem you need support with. For me that certainly was the case! You may be here because you are considering changing to a polyamory lifestyle, or maybe your partner or spouse has declared that they are polyamorous, and that you now have to decide how to deal with that. This is a big deal! If you are polyamorous and you never realized before now, this can really be freeing, to accept a side of yourself you have always ignored. And, if you previously were happy with monogamy, it can be extremely hard, because you may be challenging yourself to change something that you did not need or did not want changed.
I really want to say that there is no right or wrong here. Polyamory is ok. But also, and this doesn’t always get said enough in the poly groups, monogamy is ok as well. There is no right or wrong, only what is right for you. So, however you got to this place, by your choice, or the choice of others, I really recommend you take some time to learn about polyamory. Read books about polyamory, read posts in this forum, ask questions. If you use facebook, join facebook polyamory support groups. All relationships are hard (even monogamy!), but polyamory brings in extra complexity and it is important to learn the right strategies that will help you navigate. Done right it can work really well. Done wrong, it can be a disaster.
But most important, please take a good look inwards at your own feelings. Polyamory is ok, but it is not for everyone. So, please listen to your own feelings. If you are feeling anxiety, depression, anger, panic, or other really negative feelings. If you are developing mental health issues. If you suddenly can’t focus or concentrate. If your emotions are manifesting as physical symptoms. If you have lost or gained a lot of weight. Please take that as a sign that something isn’t right inside you. Listen to that and consider that maybe what you are doing isn’t right for you.
In the end, I do honestly believe that polyamory is a wonderful lifestyle, but you have to arrive at it because your feelings have led you there, and for no other reason.
I do want to leave a note about therapy as well. If you are truly experiencing mental health issues, then please get a good therapist. Note that not all therapists are “good therapists”. It took me two tries to really find one that worked for me. Therapy for me, really clicked when I found a therapist who didn’t tell me what I needed to hear, but instead guided me into my feelings, so that I eventually found in myself what I needed to know. The difference here was night and day for me, and this is what led me to realizing what I actually needed and how to restore my mental health.
I want to leave wishing everyone who comes here the very best. I hope you all find peace and happiness at the end of your journey.
The second thing I have an issue with is the idea that there is "no right or wrong". Recognizing the difference between right and wrong is an essential life skill. The importance of recognizing this means the difference between valuing truth over lies and good judgment over or bad. Of course there are exceptions when it comes to matters of taste, but not everything is a matter of taste. Polyamory isn't a matter of taste, like whether or not you prefer vanilla or coconut.
The third thing I'd advise you to be careful about is believing that your feelings are the primary criteria upon which your decisions should be made. Plenty of studies have been done on the accuracy of gut feelings, instinct, and intuition. They show that while there is some merit in them, they are overrated by their believers, with an accuracy of less than 50%, meaning you can actually flip a coin and you're more likely to get the right answer.
Therefore, in most situations, the best advice is to think things through and avoid rash decisions. If you don't have enough information to do that — then get it by doing your research. For those who are inclined to disagree, the way to tell that this advice is sound, is to recognize that knowing the truth changes the way you feel, but the way you feel doesn't change the truth.
There are lots of examples, but consider that of the common rumor. Is it better to reserve judgement and know how you would feel if it were true, or jump to the conclusion that it is true because of how you feel about it? Some people do score higher than 50% on guesses based on feeling or intuition, however the very best results come from tempering your feelings with a combination of experience, evidence, and reason.
So there's three things to take with you on your journey. Hopefully you'll find them useful. In the meantime, Daily Strength doesn't have to be a resource that you never return to. It's very quiet here most of the time these days, but when it comes to insights, it's not the numbers that count, and I'm sure you'd be welcomed back any time.
I’m going to agree with you partially. Based on what I read, Monogamy/Polyamory is actually a spectrum. I forget which book I read this in, perhaps Polysecure. It is not the same in all people. I would say I was incorrect to imply that it is a lifestyle choice for everyone. I would similarly suggest that is incorrect to say for everyone that it is more of an orientation, like being gay or lesbian. The trap here is assuming that everyone will experience it the same (which I admit I did fall into with my first post). For some they will sit more in the middle of the spectrum and it will be more of a choice, for others, they are at one end of the spectrum and they simply are what they are. I think both possible depending on the person.
With the idea of right or wrong. I actually think you are agreeing with me. Of course in life there are things that are right or wrong (truth over lies for instance). This is an important life skill. But with respect specifically to polyamory/monogamy I feel there is no right or wrong. Monogamous society will leave many with the impression that polyamory is wrong. Then the flipside is for polyamorous people to counteract that and say that there is nothing wrong with polyamory, that polyamory is in fact right. That was what was presented to me, and part of my anguish was that if polyamory is right, then why do I feel so awful about it. Polyamory is fine, monogamy is fine, and neither is inherently right or wrong. People should do what is right for them. That is all I am trying to say.
Anecdotally, my feelings where the exact thing that I needed to be listening to. I did my research, I learned a lot. I was thinking, reasoning, trying to find how to do polyamory properly so that I would feel better. And the more I did this, the worse I got. And I’m not talking a little depressed. My mental health failed, I fell apart. What saved me was finally listening to my feelings. And I’m not saying gut feelings and intuition. I think maybe you are thinking about this differently than I meant. I’m talking about really good, therapist led, deep dive into what I was feeling and what that meant for me. This was not a gut feel decision, but a true understanding of what was going on inside me. Once I understood my true feelings and corrected course, my mental health immediately improved. Logic, understanding, reasoning are all great things. But at the end of the day, humans are emotional beings with feelings. And you ignore you own feelings at your own peril.