Polyamory Community Group
A place to discuss living a polyamorous lifestyle - the joys, the challenges and everything in between. Polyamory (a hybrid word -poly is Greek for many and amor is Latin for love - coined by among others Neopagan poet, author, lecturer, and priestess Morning Glory Zell-Ravenheart) means "The practice, state or ability of having more than one sexual loving relationship at...
Hey! Very new to this.
When my girlfriend and I started dating, she was wishy washy about being poly. One day, she came clean and said she realized she was poly, which we had been mono up until that point. A week later, she told me about a girl she had feelings for.
Me and my girlfriend are ldr. We met online and we have plans for meeting, but in the month since this other woman has entered the picture, my gf tells me that she feels bad leading her on, that she feels bad making her feel bad but also knows that I'm uncomfortable with introducing someone new after we'd been exclusive. I feel like I'm breaking both their hearts.
I gave in and decided to give it a go, with some "guidelines" so no one monopolizes time but I feel like I'm at a disadvantage. I also don't like how they've been hanging around before this arrangement was made and the other woman told me she considered my gf her gf already and that I "gave them approval and they just needed the label".
I feel like im at an impasse. I love my gf and I hope I can still meet her in a month but I do get a bit jealous at the thought of her with someone else. I'm afraid she'll leave me. I also don't like having to "compete" for time. By relenting, they both gain what they want but I feel like a third wheel. What should I do? Is this normal? I've never thought I'd be in this arrangement and I feel somewhat saddened that I had to compromise. The other option would've been breaking up, which neither of us wants.
Depending on the situation, being "poly" may or may not be a lifestyle choice. On the other hand being polyamorous is an inborn trait for normal humans. Unfortunately, it's been repressed by mononormative programming, and that's the root of most jealousy — a reaction centered around exclusivity and ownership.
She is polyamorous. She says that’s how she is wired and I respect that. My thing was more asking for support, I want to be able to open our relationship up but since I’ve been mono my whole life, I feel like I’m off to a rough start. I don’t want to own her, I just don’t want to make this transition more stressful for us both.
She is polyamorous. She says that’s how she is wired and I respect that. My thing was more asking for support, I want to be able to open our relationship up but since I’ve been mono my whole life, I feel like I’m off to a rough start. I don’t want to own her, I just don’t want to make this transition more stressful for us both.
On transitioning, The thing about mononormative programming is that it begins from birth and entrenches itself before you're even aware of it. So people don't even realize they're doing it — they just feel it, and think it's "normal".
So FWIW — a polyamorous relationship involves everyone. Otherwise it's some other form of poly. So maybe you should get that part nailed down. In other words, are you simply in an open relationship? Or are the three of you going to make a go of it as polyamorous triad?
If it's the latter, then you need to all get to know each other and figure it out together without leaving anyone out of the loop. Maybe you can do this on Skype or some other group chat software.
Also see if you can all get onboard with the CHART method. These are the essential ingredients for any healthy relationship.
C - Communication
H - Honesty
A - Appreciation
R - Respect
T - Time
So set a time for you all to communicate, and do it honestly while showing respect and appreciation. Do this regularly, and the rest will take care of itself.
I think this is a relationship where I’m exclusively with her but she can date other people. We are trying to coordinate the best way to move forward and I’m maybe not caught up to speed, but I am trying!
In this way you can still find the trust in each other that neither of you will be discarded in favor of another person, while still allowing yourself the freedom to feel whatever may come naturally for others in addition to each other.