Polyamory Community Group
A place to discuss living a polyamorous lifestyle - the joys, the challenges and everything in between. Polyamory (a hybrid word -poly is Greek for many and amor is Latin for love - coined by among others Neopagan poet, author, lecturer, and priestess Morning Glory Zell-Ravenheart) means "The practice, state or ability of having more than one sexual loving relationship at...
I'm new to being in a polyamory relationship. I'm monogamous but my gf is polyamorous. We have been having some issues and I don't know if because of past traumas I've had that I overthink ans presume she's like my ex or if these are truly red flags. So when we first started talking she told me how she wanted her husband and her one serious gf that she didn't want to sleep around and that she wanted her relationship with her gf tk be equal to that of her husband. A few months later she tells me she wills till have spontaneous sex with another woman. I said you told me you didn't want to sleep around. She said kts not sleeping around it's spontaneous sex. Then tries telling me when you're polyamorous that there's a difference between the 2. And people in her polyamorous group get it but I don't because I'm monogamous. Then there are times she has blown off the little time we get together for her friends. Obviously that hurts me but she keeps saying it's no big deal amd she dkesnt understand why I'm so hurt by this. She said she's just going to keep hurting me this is how she does relationships and that we have a serious relationship but she doesn't want to spend anymore than a few days with me a month. I mean these scream red flag to me but again I've had a lot of trauma in mt past that maybe I'm a little to sensitive to things.
The most frustrating faction is the one that says it can be whatever they want it to be so long as it suits them. If that's what you've gotten yourself into, then this will be a long conversation, suffice it to say that no matter what your GF and her "group" have to say about it, "spontaneous sex" with whoever one happens to want, isn't polyamory.
Polyamory is about ethical romantic interrelationships, and from what you're saying, your GFs behaviour extends beyond those boundaries. Chances are that your GF will be dismissive of this, If that's the case, then she and her "group" are the ones who don't get it, and either they need to adapt, or you need accept that they won't.
This leaves you in the position of wondering what to do about it. I know how I'd handle it — but I'm not you. Personally, I'm all about truth, because without truth you can't have honesty, and without honesty, what's the point of a relationship? If you'd like to chat over Skype ( audio only ) — send me a private message and we'll set-up a meeting time.
Otherwise — my best advice is to look at your relationship as an open relationship and your GF as falling under the broader umbrella of "poly", which includes whatever sort of relationship she wants at any given time with whoever she wants. There's nothing inherently "wrong" with that, However the historical evidence clearly shows that polyamory is in a narrower range of the "poly" spectrum.
If you can both get to that place, then you'll have a common understanding on where you are, and you'll both be able to move forward. If you can't, then it will continue to be hurtful and frustrating. How much of that you want to endure is up to you.
Lastly, I feel it important to say that by the most objective definition of polyamory that I know, the sort of problems you describe wouldn't be happening. So however you guys handle it, please don't blame polyamory. It's the most beautiful way to look at relationships that I can think of, but it's constantly getting a bad rap because of self-serving interpretations that compromise core principles.