Hi. I have been in a relationship for about nine months. 

I love the girl to death and we are committed to a future. When we met we discussed monogamy and she said it was something that she had struggled with in the past. Had often cheated because she couldn’t cope with monogamy. A couple of months ago we almost broke. She said she was struggling with the monogamy. Wasn’t cheating. Or even talking to anyone. She loved me too much to do that but needed to open the realtionship up.  Would I be willing to try it?  

Anyway. I agreed because I love. Polyamory is something I have always seen as wonderful intellectually. I just have never done it myself beyond casual relationships. We are in a d/s realtionship. That’s relevant because when we met on a bdsm dating site she had only just joined. Her intent had been to find partners to learn from. She met me and we because serious. 

Anyway not to waffle. She has taken to being poly and follows all our boundaries. No overnights. No using our bed st either my house or hers. Spare room only. She always tells me in advance. Forst time she did was a little fucked. We Skyped after and it had been a bad date. I commented it’s about her and I’m fine. She said it’s not all about you because if I was getting everything I needed from you I wouldn’t do it. She apologized for that. Said it was the alcohol talking. It’s not about me at all she just needs to explore. Is not done with casual dating   

Forst time she had sex woth someone. I was home nervous. But she called after before even leaving the guys house saying she calls me. Telling me that was great. But it’s made her realize she needs me. Needs her bf. Loves me so much. I go over and we have the best sex we had had in ages.

that guy she didn’t see again. Went on another date. Said it was nice he was in an open marriage as she doesn’t want anyone trying to steal her away. That didn’t work out. Saw him twice. Not kinky enough for her. She sees one other guy a few times she really likes in a ten year realtionship. But good connection. That has now run its course. Tonight she is seeing a guy who has flown in from further north in California for one night. Older guy in his fifties. I have played woth one other girl. My gf wanted to know all the details. I’m a little bit slower. Don’t want too many details from her. But I’m making myself ask more and more because I know she needs to be able to share her life with me. 

The real problem is. We had a d/s scene go where she lost control of her safe word. It was only because I realized that she was in distress and stopped the scene that she got out. Since then. She has been unable to ha e sex woth me. It traumatized her greatly. She says she needs time. Wants to get passed it. She has sought help from a therapist. We saw a rabbi together. The first week after it was awful. She was jumping every time I came near her. This week has been better she shared a bed with me again. Lay in my lap. We made out. Fooled around till she said she is not ready. But progress. But she can still have sex woth these other guys. This is causing me a lot of conflict. I trust her. She follows all the rules and always keeps me informed about what is happening. Says she needs a little space for a while and not see each everyday. Just a few days a week. Says she needs to let me back in at her own pace. But wants to work through this. 

Im really conflicted. A poly friend of mine told me it’s becuase the trauma is specific to me. My gf says that’s right. 

I giess. I’m asking for advice on how to cope. I know she loves me. She says she is fully committed and thinks we are headed towards being together for the rest of our lives. But it’s tough being around her and having to rebuild. She suffers from mental illness. Gets overloaded easily. Sometimes can’t even sit on the couch with me. Last night she was so over cooked she retreated upstairs then started a text conversation. That was all she could handle. Said all she wanted was to come lay on me and hang out. But didn’t have it to give. She has anxiety. Depression and a dissociative disorder. 

I want to believe that we will get our sex life back on track. She’s more than just sex to me anyway. I’ve told her there is no time limit. I just have a jiggling feeling in the back of my mind because she can have sex and play with other people. But can’t woth me right now. Even though justnin the space of a week there was massive progress. From jumping and stay away every time o moved to making out and sharing a bed. It’s coming back. Just so much tension between us right now. Mostly sexual tension. It’s hanging in the air.  

I guess I’m looking for reassurance maybe. But definitely advice. How to compartmentalise. I’m happy for her. I trulyy am. Moved that she her modus operendi becuase she loves me. I’m just struggling to adjust.

Mam I being silly? Is there a way I can cope?