I have always struggled with normal PMS: acne, bloating, irritability but since having my 3rd child (2.5 years ago) it can no longer be called PMS. I have no idea what it is but I call it spiraling. I am currently in the middle of one. I wake up one morning feeling...unsettled. Something is not right. That on the edge, waiting for the other shoe to drop kind of feeling. The feeling increases throughout the day and becomes distracting. I get tunnel vision. My head starts spinning. I start to feel ugly, fat, useless, stupid, worthless, a waste of space. I question every life choice I have made and tell myself I suck. I start thinking about all the little things my S.O. and other family members have done to tick me off over the last few weeks. How the garbage didnt get taken out, the dishes arent done and why the hell am I the only one who can see the dirty laundry laying on the bathroom floor? Why is the clock ticking so flipping loud? And for the love of all that is holy who ate the last of the cookies???? I cant seem to concentrate. I dont get anything done at work because I am looking up "How to tell if he is cheating" stories because of course, since I am such a miserable shitty girlfriend, he needs to find someone else and he must be doing it while I am at work. Who is he texting when I'm not with him? Is he still in touch with his ex? Did I ever measure up to her? I texted him 2 minutes ago, why hasnt he texted back yet? He must have gotten in an accident, oh my god, the last thing I told him was I hate my life. And by my life I mean our life because we are raising a family together. He has to hate me. Why would anyone want to be with a nut case like me? Where the hell is he? Round and round it goes. There is a pain in my chest that makes me want rip my own heart out. I quietly ask my work friends if anyone has a Xanax and no one does. Then the tears start. Just little ones leaking out my eyes for no reason. And here come the shakes and the big heaving sobs. I cant speak, I can hardly breathe. I want to go home and dig a hole in the ground and cover myself up. My head is pounding. I have to hide in my office until after lunch when I can calm down enough to tell my boss that I have a migraine and I am going home early. The swirling thoughts wont stop, I am in a fog. When I get home I pick a fight with my SO about something inane. I know it is ridiculous and doesnt make sense but I cannot stop myself. I scream and shout and bang my head on the door frame to stop the thoughts from repeating themselves. I am short tempered with my sweet angelic little girl and dont even let the teenagers near me because they might end up on the front porch with a packed suitcase. My SO ignores my tantrum and goes about making dinner. I take a bath with super hot water and think about using the razorblade on my arm. Decide to shave instead and knick my ankle relishing the quick flash of pain that eases the lump in my chest just a little. After dinner, my SO keeps his distance until I go to him and crawl in his lap and beg his forgiveness. I promise to take more medicine or supplements and try meditating or yoga or anything to make the b***h in my head go away. He kisses me, says itll be ok. I almost feel calm. Later, we go to bed and we are actually ok. But I am still crying and we both know the demon will still be there in the morning. This will usually last about 3 days and day 2 will bring nonsensical random texts to my SO and friends trying to reach out but not really wanting to ask for help. Not knowing how to ask for help with something that I simply cannot understand. And there will be a frantic search for a psychariatrist that accepts my low end insurance. But I wont make an appointment because they wont have one available for few weeks and I am in trouble NOW. The rest of the day and the next will be some variation of the previous one with a high probability of me cutting to ease my misery if only for a few seconds. On the day I am supposed to start my period I will wake up feeling like a human again. The fog will be lifted and I will be profoundly embarrrased by my behavior. I will beg forgiveness and though he says we are ok I can see that my SO is so freaking tired of this routine. But I am powerless to make it better. I am on 20mg of Lexapro daily for Major Depressive Disorder and it works for all but 3-4 days out of the month when the spiral hits. If only a spiral could happen at the same time as one of my doctors appointments...maybe then they would understand how awful it is.