I have insecurities that on any 'regular' day make me feel pretty bad. I know what my triggers are and try to avoid them so as not to start a downward spiral. But when the PMDD kicks in...women, children and men be ware. 

My thoughts ALL center around my gf. Im not good enough, she's just settling, she's probably cheating, we are better off apart, I'm not her type, if only I could be what she wants...etc, etc. It only gets worse. I xant watch tv with her because an attractive female on screen is a trigger fir my mind to go APESH*T. The thoughts of inferiority, her comparing, her lusting over and worse; just flood in and I cant stop them and i cant control them and I've even started acting on the thiughts and maki g comments towards her. 

I want this feeling to go away so bad, I have thought about breaking up even when I'm not on my period. I just want to avoid my thoughts circling around her. Its so bad that my dreams change. I will dream of her cheating and hurting me, when I'm on my period. Any other time I have regular dreams that she is hardly even present in.  I'm so on edge and agitated that I want to be petty and hurt her the way my mind is telling me, she is hurting me. She knows about my triggers and doesn't  seem to care enough or want to do without what ever she wants, doesnt like being inconvenienced, enough to really help. So it's easy to have those constant thoughts that we'd be better off, because in a way she shows me we would. 

I think the only reason she disagrees with me, is because she doesnt want to be alone. We are both 33 and she's  had some past relationships that were super, super toxic.

I have confided in her about my thoughts and whats going on and at first it was used against me in arguments. So I stopped confiding. I felt even more alone then before. I became fed up with feeling alone. When I started sticking up for myself and my PMDD, she started to realize it wasn't some gimmick. She tries to be understanding, but it only goes as far as saying 'I will try to be more understanding' and so now when I am going through it, I sometimes dont shy away from saying petty hurtful things because, it may drive her away (we'd be better off that way) and I want her to understand just what goes on in my head 24/7 for days on end. That it gets so bad that at work I cant concentrate, I just think about how much I hate her. And that we should really break up.

There's so much more that goes into this, so, so much more. Like when we first started dating, comments she would make  that first triggered me realizing that my insecurities were so bad and that when they were super bad it prompted me to look up what the heck is hoing on with me, leading me to PMDD.

I am sorry if my writing is all over the place but I am currently feeling a downward spiral and thought that finally posting about it (instead of just commenting on other's  posts) might help me relieve  some of the pressure. And it is helping, for now.  I have to see my gf in a little while, I made some remarks last night because I was feeling lonely in all this. So gotta deal with the ramifications of that...ugh, just want my freaking mind back.