Too Little; Too Late

I have done little for this entire time and now it is too late. During it all I do truly believe I gave my all, my very best, however I am mistaken once again. No let me rephrase that, I did give my very best and put my all into it. I just could not control one aspect of who I am. I still have no control over it and it has ruined my relationship and closed doors that were once available to me from my partner. So in a nut shell I basically screwed my partner and myself and I couldn't even stop it from happening.

I do not know why I hadn't realized this sooner. Most of my life I just thought people left because they didn't love me anymore or because they found something better. I have come to see, that is not the case. They leave or I leave because I am a train wreck! So many times I have said to partners throughout the years, "Fix me I'm broken." and they could not stand up to the challenge. Of course they couldn't. Omg No one can fix what is wrong with me, not even myself. How dare I ask that of someone else. Yeah well wrong again.....My Partner can fix me, but now it's too late! I have not done enough to get the correct medical help so that I can stop my emotional break-downs. I have not tried to fix myself first, or at least start until now, and because of that, I have destroyed the one thing that could "fix me". Not the one thing, the one Person, the one MAN! There is nothing worse than knowing what could have been and watching it all go away due to self harm. No I'm not talking about cutting, or some kind of eating disorder. I'm talking about ruining it by silence. By taking away the very closeness that both so desperately wanted and needed in their lives. I'm talking about becoming so unreasonable and unreachable to your partner they just shut down and break a little inside. Which of course builds walls so they can protect themselves from the harm caused by the one that was supposed to love them. These walls won't be broken this time, I have stacked them so high no level of jumping can get over them. Not my walls. Ones I have created in my partner by uncontrolled shutting down of all communications and mistakenly taking away the closeness. And every time this happens I know there will be a last, no one should ever have to deal with this. Especially not my partner the one I love more deeply than he will ever realize.

It grows worse and worse each time it happens. Well I have made progress in that I no longer have physical temper tantrums and break stuff around the house, but the emotional and psyche part of it, yeah it is out of control. It starts with thoughts of cheating, not on my part, my partners. That is when I can control it because I know deep in my soul that wouldn't happen. At this stage I can determine between reality, (his faithfulness), and my distorted thoughts, (the cheating). Then my sensitivity goes into hyper-drive and sends madness throughout my mind. It takes over all my thoughts and that is when I change. I become something I know I am not. I begin to rage at just about everything he does. I give short responses' because I think I've been slighted in some way. I turn all his words and actions into insults and/or negative actions. I change the whole identity of our relationship in little less than 5 hours. While this is happening I am in the state of mind that I am dead right, I am perfectly justified in doing any and all of this. Next is the distance and solitude. I close him and myself off from all touching, speaking, and even being in the same room a lot of the times. I go somewhere, leave, just like that. I am no longer available for anyone to reach me. This is when it's not just my partner, even though I know he suffers the worst. It also happens with my son. I close off mentally and emotionally to him as well. When he asks me questions or tells me stories during this time, I snap at him or tell him I am busy. I do not give him the support he needs either. My son is used to it as he's been with me since birth. What he does is leaves me alone for a few days and comes back around to me when he knows it's all clear. I am full of shame for hurting them all. All my loved ones who have been putting up with this for years from me. And my partner who only wants me to love him and I do this. The last part of it all is the calm. After I have finished wiping all pieces of me away, and taking them from everybody I then calm down. I get angry. Very angry. A big fight happens and My partner and I are then able to talk about what happened, after he suffers my angry wrath of emotional breakdowns and verbal assaults.

(until these past few months and even the year, I have not met one man to want to stay with me because of my damaging personality. I found one now and look what I've done. The one man on this entire planet that could call me out and be right about it all. The one man that did not have a problem standing up for what he believes in and tries to help me learn and grow with him. The one man that I waited almost 40 years for and I've created an empty shell. I've crushed his hopes, dreams, and squashed his faith in me. I have lost all my creditability with him and I deserve it.)

The Calm

Now is the time of self reflection. What I have done and said. This is the self loathing part as well. I begin to hate myself. Looking into his eyes and seeing what I have crushed. No I don't even want to say "I" have done, because that's not me. That's not who I am and I know it. None the less it was I who did it and now I must try to make it better. Admitting my wrongs, trying to apologize for them, and saying it will get better. I will try harder to never let it happen again. Totally impossible because I don't even know I'm doing it until it's done. How can that be? The many 13+ times I have done this it gets harder to repair and with good reason. I completely understand why. He just keeps forgiving me, keeps that hope alive that I will be able to conquer whatever the hell is wrong with me. He stared a demon in its face every time and said to it, "Fuck you go away! I want my bb back!" He handled himself with loyalty, love and kindness. And although I didn't deserve it, I was still offered forgiveness this time as well. Only this time......I am more sorry than I have and ever will be in my life!

Not sorry for myself hell no, I am getting exactly what any normal man would have done 10 times ago. I am getting a final separation of his full emotions, kindness, love and support. Yes he still cares for me deeply but it probably will never be the same. I can't blame him. I know this is what he has to do to stop the hurt and pain I cause him. He's a good man. Better than I have had the displeasure of meeting in the past. I regret not being able to make him feel the love I have for him. I regret hurting him so bad and not seeking medical attention sooner. If I could turn back time I would in a heartbeat but it is probably too late for me.

So as I sit here writing, crying, and in total outward wreckage, I say this one last thing. If more than one person in your life is telling you that there might be something wrong with you, get a professional opinion please. It could end just as badly for anybody as it has for me. Do it before you lose the very best thing that has come into your life. I lost my soul mate out of sheer ignorance, rage, and by not getting the help I needed before it got to this point. Perhaps if anyone even reads this it will help at least one person not destroy everything they love as I have.