Hello. I am new to the group. As I read the different posts, it feels good to know that I am not alone. I have been married to a PA husband for 24 years. Because I did not grow up with PA family members, did not have any PA friends (none that I am aware of), and never encountered PA behavior in college or in the workplace, I did not know what was going on until I began to research his behavior. I'm ready to end the marriage. I have been a stay-at-home parent for a long time, so I am now diligently looking to return to the workforce immediately so that I can have the financial independence to bring this sham of a marriage to it's much needed conclusion.

I have also learned that as he gets older, his behavior becomes worse. We have worked with three marriage counselors and I have gone to my own individual counseling in order to find realistic solutions. Even with all that, he still gets worse with each passing day. Once I was able to learn what was wrong with him; initially, I wanted to fight for the marriage. I have used methods recommended by the mental health community to hold him accountable, but in the end, I am the one who is emotionally, mentally, and spiritually exhausted. It's to the point that I don't care anymore about the marriage or about him.

I was concerned about the negative effects divorcing would have on my children. I have come to the realization that they are more harmed by being in a toxic environment that drains me and them daily. When I met my husband, he treated me like a queen. He was warm, affectionate, loving, communicative, open, honest, and willing to work with me on his and our personal and professional goals. Today when I look at him, I don't even recognize him anymore. During one of our arguments I told him that he is a con artist, I am his mark and the mark is fully awake. He said nothing. 

I am Christian, I have taken a lot of time to pray and ask God for His guidance. I've been on this prayer journey since 2011; so this is not a rushed decision. I now have peace with my decision to bring this to a close. I've gone from being head over heels in love with him to barely able to be in the same room with him because I no longer love, like, nor respect him anymore. I'm so glad to know that I am not alone. After reading everyone's comments, I know that I have to prepare to really fight because he will probably use every stall tactic available to prevent me from divorcing.

If I like something or my actions show that I really am enjoying it; he criticizes it unmercilessly. If I dislike something, he praises it like the Second Coming. If something or someone makes me angry; i.e., someone cutting me off in traffic or tailgaiting me, he will speak down to me like I'm a child and tell me that I need to calm down. However, if it happens to him and he has a similar response and I tell him to calm down, then I am being condescending. This usually leads to an argument. 

One behavior that took me years to figure out about him is he projects. I am very aware of who I am as a woman. I know my strengths and my weaknesses. I am comfortable with who I am, so whenever my husband tries to "project" his beliefs onto me as far as who he thinks I am, that's when the fights start. For example, my husband has accused me of taking my anger and frustration out on him because of the man that I was seeing before I met him. Even though that gentleman and I made the mutual decision to end our relationship, I knew that my husband's assessment of me wasn't true.

I hold people accountable for what they do, sometimes I can be really tough when I do this. Anyway, for years he would accuse me of this. Finally, I decided to ask a childhood friend of my husband's who has gotten to know me pretty well if he noticed if I did this. Without missing a beat, the friend said, "No, you don't do that. But he (my husband) does it all the time." That's when I realized that I had been on the receiving end of him projecting his shortcomings onto me. 

Projection, lies, deceit, lack of affection, lack of attention, sulking, moodiness, silent treatment (for days), sabotage, guilt trips, lack of follow through, financial abuse and on and on. What sickens me the most is after doing all this to me for more than 20 years, he has the audacity to say, "I love you." My husband doesn't know the meaning of love. His childhood was horrible. There are a lot of things that he has shared with me about it and there are a lot of things that he doesn't. I encouraged him to get individual counseling. He went to three sessions and stopped. When I asked him why, he said that he is perfectly fine the way that he is and doesn't need to change. That's when I sought out my own individual counseling. It would take up too much time to share how many times he has tried to sabotage my going to my appointments. One time he actually faked an illness just to prevent me from going to my appointment. How crazy is that?

Thank you to whomever created this page. I know that participating with this support group, I will continue my journey to better and stronger mental health.