Yeah, me too, my head must've been up somewhere! 30+ years and me always questioning my reality and sanity because of his behaviors. His "forgetting" was his major go-to PA behavior. And really, we're all human, so how can we fault someone for having this little failing, right? Except it was chronic forgetting, purposeful forgetting. Light bulb moment commence.

I wish you luck. Neither I nor the marriage counselor were able to get my ex-husband to see the reality of it all. I divorced him and no longer question my sanity. Life is peaceful, and I didn't fully realize how absolutely chaotic every day was until I no longer had to deal with him. Wishing you luck and peace and happiness.

Wow so nice hearing from other people. I honestly don't know what to do first. From info I've read thus far, chances of him changing are slim Doubt he'd do counseling, it would still be my fault anyway. His major behavior fault is the silent treatment. He can go weeks ignoring me or the kids. I seriously thought things were always my fault cuz that's how I was made to feel. Again, WOW!! Guess I have a lot to learn about this. I'm overwhelmed right now. . I respect your honesty, & truly wish you the best also.

I never did individual counseling, just several sessions with a marriage counselor - the first two on my own, the next two with him, the last on my own (oops, he forgot the appointment). Having the MC reiterate what I was just discovering about PA was crucial to me finding my way. Also, tying it back to my childhood and why I was accepting these negative behaviors was a light bulb moment. I strongly suggest finding a pro to hash this out with first, before you try marriage counseling (assuming he'd do it). It may help you calm your mind and find some peace.

Thank you so much for the advice. I appreciate your kindness. What I don't understand tho is how did I miss this for so long?? How did I continue all this time taking the fall for everything? Believing I truly am "crazy"?? I'm an intelligent person, I've been blind for so long. My eyes are finally open & hopefully now I can move forward in a more positive light.

Well for me, the reason I was so blind for 30+ years had everything to do with how I was raised and what I experienced as a child.


I was the 8th of 9 children, with a functioning alcoholic dad and a super-enabling mom. My oldest sister was severely developmentally disabled and my mom took care of her at home, without assistance, for the first 13 years of her life, along with 8 other kids and no assistance from my dad. I learned from watching my mom that my needs were to always come last. I was smart and capable and learned to not ask for help. My mom was always stressed and often replied in a harsh tone "don't ask me that now!" even if I was just asking for help with homework, and my dad was usually not home and when he was, he was not interested in us kids. We usually ran to our rooms when we heard his car. Many of my older siblings got into drugs, arrested, etc. There was constant strife and stress at home. I understood that I had to take care of myself. I learned that my needs were not important. I learned as a kid that a stressful home life was the norm. That a spouse who was not invested in the relationship was just how it "should" be.

I didn't date much, started in college, and at 25 married the guy I met when I was 21. I put myself through college (for the most part) and never returned home full time once I entered college. I got a car and worked part time at the airport during my last year of school. After college, I got a full time job, a decent apartment, and was doing well. I felt cornered when he proposed at 24 (literally I backed into a corner and he pursued me there until the ring was on my finger) but had almost zero sense about what I needed, what I deserved, and that I could even say No to a marriage proposal.


When I married, I didn't "get" that he wasn't invested till way too late. I accepted him saying things like "well, at least I don't {insert "whatever" here - do drugs, stay out all night, etc} as an excuse for him to pretty much do whatever he wanted, when he wanted. Don't get me wrong, it DID feel wrong, but I felt powerless about changing things. I didn't know what a healthy marriage looked like. It all sounds pretty pathetic now, reading this, but this is how it truly was.


I don't know if there are any similarities with your story, but I've learned that all too often those who are victims of emotional abuse never learned in their childhood what a healthy relationship looks like, how to teach people how to treat them or what boundaries are. Other people dump PA users early on, some like us don't. I guess the good news if that NOW we know this stuff and can direct out lives in a manner which is healthy. I don't think it's ever to late to grow as a person, and I feel that I've had so much emotional growth in the last 3 years of my life, starting with the day I decided I wanted to divorce my PA.

Wow your story was interesting to me, probably because I could relate to so much of it. My dad was also a functioning alcoholic & my mom was also super enabler. My parent's divorced when I was 14. My mom worked 2 jobs to keep us afloat. No one e ever asked me how I felt or what I needed. We were just trying to get by. My needs never mattered. Guess I got used to that then I married a PA thinking that was normal behavior.

Once we had children my needs were REALLY put on back burner. Absolutely everyone in the house came before me. Again no one ever asked how I felt because I was,meeting all their needs & no one thought about dear old mom.

Now that my kids are grown I'm basically"stuck" with this man & truly feel alone. Ya know I love quotes. I don't know why lol but just I enjoy reading. This is one that applies:
" Be with someone who won't stay mad at you, who can't stand not talking to you, and who's afraid of losing you"

I just worry that's it s too late. So much time has passed. I don't even know who I am anymore. Don't even know where to start. Maybe I just have e to accept this is life & the hand I was dealt. I just don't know. Thank you tho so very much!!

OMG, no, it's never too late! Do not accept staying with someone "just because", especially when they go against what you believe in and especially now what you understand some of the dynamics of the relationship.

Here's a quote I'm fond of "When someone shows you who they are, believe them".

It took me a long long time to believe that my husband was indeed who he was showing me to be. Long time.

The turning point for me came when my oldest was starting to apply to colleges. I allowed myself to peak into the future, which I rarely did because every day was unpredictable, based upon his whims. I couldn't count on knowing what tomorrow would be like, so how could I know what one year, or 5 down the line would look like. So when I did peak into the future, I saw both of my kids at college, and just me and my ex at home. Him sitting on the couch, day in day out. Ignoring me. Us having dinner and him not even talking. Him going back to the couch after dinner. Him saying "IDK" to everything I asked about. Him breaking every word that ever came out of his mouth. Me wondering why my life with him felt so crappy, and why it never got better despite me trying so hard to connect with someone who just didn't want to connect. Seeing that stupid sour puss look on his face day in and day out.

So I say it's never too late. I'm turning 56 next month, and I have peace now. My regret is that I waited so long to finally stand up for myself and do something to make my life better. To be honest, it was a grueling two year process between that peek into the future up until the divorce was finalized. He said he would make the process difficult, and for once he kept his promise. By I persevered, because I realized I'm worth it. There's another quote for you, from L"Oreal Pair's 1970 commercial "Because I'm Worth It"!

When you say you don't even know who you are anymore, I get that. More than one year now post divorce, I didn't have any major, grand self discovery but what I did was get back to a peaceful existence. A place where my life is simpler. Where I can count on people in my life, and I trust others more now. I trust myself now, and my sanity. You can fight for that too. I'm not advocating divorcing your spouse, but PA's don't usually change. It's their lifelong pattern, just as yours to be an enabler to it is, but their life is easier because of you. Why should they change, why should they even bother to look inward? Things are essential ok for them. Not you though.....

Took me over 30 years to figure it out too. A marriage counselor tested us around the 5th year of marriage and was told he was PA, but didn't explain how destructive to marriage it was. And we didn't continue counseling either. I wish I had understood.

I am new to this group.
I too had been married for almost 30 years before the light bulb went on. I don’t recall now what made me realize he was PA, I may have been surfing online. I discovered and purchased the book by Scott Wetzler and read it from cover to cover, and it described him perfectly. Wow, I could finally put my finger on it, I always felt there was something ‘odd’ about him but was so busy with four kids and frequent house relocations that I didn’t have much time to think too deeply about the marriage.
I did make him go to counseling about 8 years into the marriage. What I learned was all his problems were because of me. Not once prior had he ever mentioned any discontent towards me. I had no idea he felt that way.
I had been made aware that ‘everything’ was my fault, but it was always said ‘in jest’. Plus, he left all the decision making to me, so ‘of course’ it was my fault. Needless to say, this covert blaming ran afoul with me very early on in the marriage, and I did not share ‘the jest’ at all.
After I delivered our fourth child, the passive aggressive behavior flourished. This child had not been planned. I was stressed big time having four kids under six years, simply keeping up with their everyday life. I understand he felt the brunt of the financial burden, however he would spend longer and longer at work, sometimes not returning home until 9 pm.
I was chronically tired, and had absolutely no time for for me.
Wetzler’s booked described my husband as being on the passive side of PA. Outside the marriage, people described him as being ‘layed back’. He sure could be!
On the flip side, he could lay on the charm as well, which is what hooked me in in the first place.
Fast forward to 35 years of marriage and a retired husband, and it is a challenge every day.
PA is covert abuse.
Why do I stay? Financial is the main reason, we have a secure nest egg.
He allows me (or is that another form of passivity) freedom to travel for work and see my family. I obtain strength from my work peers and friends. I have been slowly building myself esteem, self concept and self worth. I have my friends, not many but solid friends.
Sadly, I do not hold much hope for this marriage. When I open up discussion about us, he simply says nothing. Always has. No response. And I can safely assume he never will.
Therefore, no room for personal or intimate growth.
I there is a lot more to my story.

Have been reading more on the web, any information to help garner a better understanding.
I may need to switch to self help, understand myself better and why I allow such behaviour. I admit I have been down on myself.
The sad thing is not once has he ever ‘noticed’ or asked how I feel. Wetzler mentions the Comfortable Chair. I can safely assume that his his view on me. I may creak and groan at times but I am sturdy and hold all his baggage that gets dumped on its seat. Always solid, not collapsing under its strain. Which leads to the term enabling. I need to take a good look at myself.

Once you stop becoming that comfortable chair, guess what? You feel a TON of weight lifted off of you. You get to deal with your own baggage, not yours and his. It's absolutely freeing! Keep reading about PAs, the more you know, the less you can stand to tolerate it longer.

Took me 30 years to understand my hubby is text book PA. I’m looking forward to freeing myself from enabeler to saving my sanity. I’ve wasted so much time thinking I am nuts. Do I stay or do I go? When do I get a life independent of negativity? It’s now up to me, right?