Its hard to know where to start. Married for 12 years, DH is nearly 60. Its been 12 years of hell. He is so secretive it has driven me crazy. He hides all his mail, doesnt let me in to his life, never talks to me about anything, doesnt show any interest in my health, life or feelings.  He punishes me if i ask for something by walking away (even when in a foreign country he ran off and left me to get the bus back on my own), drives crazy if we are in the car, commes home late from work , doesnt come to bed or just doesnt talk for weeks etc etc. If i asks him to do anything i am so anxious i feel like i am going to have a panic attack. Asking him to do anything in the house leaves me on tenderhooks and asking him if we can talk is pointless as he just goes silent. If i dont want to do what he wants to do then he just goes in a huff and i cant stand that silence and mood.  

He has taken out a lot of debts behind my back and then when i recently found evidence of him taking out something else (£4k) when we had been talking about retiring etc, instead of talking about it or saying sorry (which he never does) he just changed his pass word on his computer to stop me finding out anything else. I just cannot trust him and fear for my future as he doesnt care how it affects me.

I cannot believe a word he says, recently i have found out that he has told me that he was working when he was not. I know for sure he has done this three times so he has spent these whole days out and then comes in and gets handed his tea ( i also work full time). He also tried to get one of my sons to cover up for him which really upset me.

I tried to tell him how hurt i was and I asked him how he would feel if i had behaved like that. All he said was " well if your so unhappy then just end it then". I said to him that of course i was unhappy being lied to all the time. but he said nothing and since then he just ignores me basically other than to make me supper which just does my head in as it is just so odd. I wish that he would just end it. I feel like a bad person because i sometimes wish that he would just disappear. He walks about like he is the wee victim rather than the person who constantly lies and hides things from me.

Then there are the inapproprate videos and photos on his phone and computer when he never comes near me. I have told him that it makes me feel worthless but he continues to do it.  

I feel like i am going off my head, i spend my time trying to catch him out. I get the feeling at times that he is lying and then check his phone etc which does not make me feel good about myself.

I feel so depressed and that i have nothing to look forward to. i fear that if i do not end this that i could end up with him for the rest of my life but at the same time i am unable to afford a two bedroomed house which i would need so that my grandchildren can continue to stay with me.

i am so sorry this is so long,