passive-aggressive Community Group
Passive-aggressive behavior refers to passive resentment, stubbornness, procrastination, sullenness, or repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is assumed, often explicitly, to be responsible or "conveniently forget". It is a defense mechanism sometimes subconscious bahavior taking over. For example, people who are passive-aggressive might take so...
I am needing some strategies for coping with my PA husband. Like many of you, I am relieved to finally figure out what has been going on. He is a classic case of PA to the point where he refuses to flush the toilet after he uses it because he knows it bothers me! Are we adults?? I am making an appointment for me to see a therapist in hopes I can get some coping stategies or ways to deal. He is getting more PA as time goes by, and we are newlyweds. Married only one year. I'm afraid the marriage will end if he doesn't get help, but he sees it as I am the reason for everythign, as all PAs do.
My biggest complaints are he sits on the couch while I do everything, and I do mean everything. Cut the grass, clean the house, cook, shop for food, feed the pets, do laundry etc. The on my birthday he gets me a card. Just a card. It's a ridiculous slap in the face!
I'm at my wits end and seriously thinking of divorce. Nothing changes his behavior or attitude. I feel so duped.
I can suggest strategies. However, you probably want to start off asking yourself if this is really the way you want to live now that you know what you're dealing with. It only gets worse.
You're incredibly fortunate to have recognized it this early in the marriage. He must be pretty bad and entitled.
The strategies that I've read are that you can't take anything they say or do personally, can't react, can't blame. Can't expect them to be responsible. You essentially have to behave professionally and non reactionary to any form of abuse or triggering from them as if you were a therapist. That's my take from reading around.
And even then, there is no guarantee that he'll get better. He won't get better until HE decides he wants to get better. He won't feel the need to get better if he doesn't have a reason to. If you stay, there's no reason to.
You will never have a partner with a passive aggressive. You will more than likely have a spoiled child that will obstruct things that you want. And he'll blame you for everything that he's doing.
My experience is that asking, reasoning, cajoling, negotiating, bargaining, reward, positive reinforcement, logic and rational argument do nothing to persuade a passive aggressive to cooperate. The only thing that worked was anger or threatening to leave. I think his payoff was getting me so angry that I wouldn't want to be with him anymore.
I don't know if this helps. I think it's better to start over than try to take on that project. I sent you a friend invite if you want to pm.
I so hope that it works out for you but my experience is that it gets worse.
For some deep seated reasons (probably varies by individual but has something to do with an unhealthy need to find some closeness we never can), we buy into their feelings of entitlement. Until we can't any longer. Then the sh*t hits the fan because boy are they pissed that you rocked their little boat and made waves.
I think you even thinking that you need to change or find some effective coping strategies shows me that you're still in that co-dependent place, where you want to work your butt off to save something that he's not willing to work on. You can't make a partnership if it's only one of you putting in the work.
PAs suck. I divorced one and am still dealing with his behaviors. The good news is that you've had this epiphany at such a young age.