Hi pip, I'm in need of someone to talk to myself. Are you ok?

Hi, thanks for asking! I’m ok, how are you doing?

Here is my intro story...

My partner and I have been together for more than 20 years, and have 2 teenage daughters.

A few weeks ago she came back from a trip and told me about a book she’d been reading Science Sex Self, and told me she had been considering taking “T”, but after reading the book, had decided against it.

I was shocked, but relieved that she had said that she had decided against it. She told me that she had been thinking about it for 2 years, but hadn’t told me because she knew how I felt about it. This was such a shock to me, as we had talked about how we felt about so many lesbians becoming ftm. We (I thought) felt it was such a loss to the lesbian community. Although she hadn’t told me her feelings, she had been talking to other people.

We were super busy at the time, with little time to talk. But a few days later, while on a dog walk together, she told me she considered herself trans, and was considering taking T. I felt a rush of acid wash through my body. I started crying and couldn’t stop.

The next days continued to be very busy, and on top of it all we had an exchange student staying with us, so really impossible to talk much. Plus, I wasn’t sure I wanted to talk. Too scared of what would come next.

The next thing to come up was her talking about changing her name... She says she’s “thinking out loud,” which makes it really difficult to know where this is heading.

She has health issues, and initially said she felt like she had made herself sick by hiding her identity. Later she said she didn’t know if her liver could handle taking T.
She sees a doctor for Chinese herbs and acupuncture, whom she highly respects, and said she would talk with him first. Her appointment isn’t for a number of weeks.
So it kind of feels like we’re on hold. We haven’t talked about it since.

So.. waiting...