parents of sexually abused children Community Group
This group is to help parents of sexually abused children. While our children's needs always come first, we forget that we need help too. This group is here to help. I myself have children who is victims of sexual abuse and struggle daily, with it. Please join to help support one another.
About 2 months ago I received a call, while at work, from my 15 year old daughter's cell phone on a school day. I answered it only to hear a man's voice on the other end. Immediately alarm bells go off in my head! He had identified himself as the HS Sheriff and said that my daughter was safe and not in trouble but could I please come to the school right away, without any further explanation. I immediately texted my husband (her stepfather) to alert him of the situation. I made the 20 minute drive there, my mind wandering and heart racing, "what could it be about?" I thought to myself. I finally arrived, signed in and was escorted down the long busy hallways of the high school to the in-school Sheriff's office, again without any explanation. We enter the office and there is my daughter sobbing in tears. She wouldn't even look at me. He went on to very delicately but directly explain that she had called a suicide hotline and given her name and so it was reported that her grandfather, my father-in-law, had been touching her and my younger daughter of 13, for years and she couldn't stay silent anymore. I sat in shock listening but not really responding but I remember I embraced her and said I loved her and apologized that she felt she had to keep that a secret all these years. I never once DIDN'T believe her, not even for a moment. She didn't want to come straight home so she stayed in school where her best friend and boyfriend would support her (apparently they both knew). Now I had to tell my husband that the one man he has always looked up to for 35 years touched our daughters. I had to drive home and I distinctly remember the song Purple Rain playing on the radio as I drove home in tears. I canneverlistento that song the same again. My husband came home. I had to explain it to him. He was devastated and we cried together. Then we had to tell his mother. My husband's parents live 1 mile away so we told her to come over alone. While she was upset, somehow she didn't have quite the reaction I thought she would. At the time it didn't register with me because I was still in shock but I remember her saying "I always tried to be in the room". Why would she say that?
Fast forward now to today. My 82-year old father-in-law has been arrested and charged with not 2 counts of criminal sexual conduct and assault and battery. My oldest daughter just 2 weeks ago attempted suicide and we had to have her hospitalized for therapy and is now on Zoloft and working toward recovery. She has revealed that it wasn't the first she attempted suicide and she has also been cutting and throwing up her food occasionally and taking pills to numb the pain to forget. I am hopeful that she will stay alive and thrive as the beautiful young woman she is. Just this week we decided we have to sell our beautiful home (our first home together 3 years ago) because she has PTSD related triggers here and bad memories that override the good. But it is just a house and what's a house without a complete family in it? Our lives are totally upside down now.
On top of all that my husband, an only child, who was very close to his parents, is now grieving the loss of his father. His mother has decided to stay with him and so that is yet another betrayal because I also feel she may have turned a blind eye over the years. Even knowing all this, my husband is fighting the fact that he has to sever a relationship with her too or lose me in the process because I just cannot fathom even speaking with anyone that would be with a person that would harm children. How could he still want a relationship with her?
So I am looking at not only psychologically damaged hearts and minds but uprooting everything and if my husband wants to keep his relationship with his mother, I don't think I can stay with him. She is extremely needy and SO attached to him (he is a mama's boy for sure). Any advice on that part??
Couple things it is very common for the spouse to stay. Unthinkable but common.
I agree you have no reason to be in contact nor your children with someone that supports the person that caused so much harm. It sends a bad message to the victim/survivor that should be very clear and hopefully your husband is straight on that track
It is a process of grief and loss.... Loss of important people in their lives and yours. It takes a lot of time to process this. It is heart breaking.
Now here is my thought with your husband.... The most important thing is your daughters feeling safe and supported and helped. Anything outside that bubble is secondary right now. Are they better off with you both or just you. Are they safest and most supported by one or both of you?
If the answer is both than don't make an ultimatum about his mom. Let him have the time to process thru what his relationship will be.... Just be clear that she is not to call or come by and that any time he spends is not made privy to the girls. Set good boundaries around making them safe.
My guess in time this will sort itself out and he will either have very dimished contact or none with her. Or perhaps when he sits in jail long enough she will realize she is missing out on all that she has left by standing by that pos.
But regardless therapy is required for everyone and grandma too. Perhaps your husband could recommend she sees someone to help her.
Put the girls first and the answers get easier. You have every right to be angry with him to feel like he's making a mistake or to question his moral compass. If it weren't something I've seen time and time again. Now the best news is that the perp is being prosecuted many don't get there day in court.