I'm new so I'm not sure how to use your sight I'm sorry. That's my ten-year-old. They were removed from Eye Care in 2018. In 2016 I found out that my now ex-husband was sexually molesting my older two children. I had to find out on my own details. We had to wait over a week for the forensic interviewer to be available. Nobody would tell me any information that all I had to get my ex-husband's arrest warrant from the court. My ex is getting out in July possibly. I read stories about people who serve 20 plus years my ex bid his time for 6 months in order to get his charges reduced. And that's as far as I know Child & Family agencies cannot ask parents in jail to take programs or counseling cuz a lot of jails don't have nothing most of the cases filed on me. I was in shock I was in denial I was angry I was grief-stricken I had anxiety so awful not sleeping at night not eating and then I had company over that was not a good choice because my mom had died. Everyone cut me off after everything happened with my ex-husband and made the paper people with on healed wounds of sexual abuse just stepped away within a month the little circle of friends I had was gone. My mom suddenly dying was just like ripping that all up again. We weren't close I had a strained relationship with her since my teens. But I loved her certainly very very much and I wanted to be involved with her health and her doctor's appointments. She was a very proud half Italian lady and wouldn't let me. So now I'm to the point where my older to lose with their dad in another state. My oldest is 17 my second youngest is 14 there were 12 and 10 when this started. It's devastated me I had my six month review with my DCF case yesterday I've been working very hard going to counseling every single week talking about things I don't want to talk about talking to my younger to Children's therapists. Going 6 to 8 months without physically seeing my children because of crappy covid-19 and the state and the social workers absolute locking fear of it. I just started a program last month where I get to see them every week in person with a monitor with a therapy degree that talks about the meeting with the girls the previous week with me. We have goals that we work on. All of a sudden my 10 year old is having behaviors at her foster home after the visit with me at school hitting her eight-year-old sister classmates. The therapist is beside herself with it the foster parents are in their early 30s and have never been foster parents before and are not biological parents. I'm not saying that dealing with misbehaving children is easy. But what seems like a case of my life is changing again and I'm 10 years old is being blown out of proportion the therapist wrote a letter stating that she wants my visits to be revoked. Mysteriously yesterday's visit was canceled with a late text from the monitor saying she doesn't feel well and she's canceling it. I wasn't even meeting with her for my zoom appointment. She said she wanted to lay down it and be at home. Yeah she could be sick but I seem to think that as usual this whole time she's known way way more than me. I have a meeting tomorrow with my worker her supervisor in my attorney with about my visits with my children. I couldn't sleep last night I had an anxiety attack my heart kept racing and then it would calm down and would race again I was sweating and parts of my arms that I've never sweat before. I realize I did really wrong having company over that night I realized that looking up my ex-husband when I was a single naive lonely mom was awful. And I would take it back in a heartbeat if I could even if it means that my 8 and 10 year old would not be sitting in the world today. I beat myself up so many times. I'm angry at myself I'm angry at the system I'm overwhelmed I don't talk about it at work anymore I don't have a lot of outlets my life consists of working coming home watching something on Netflix school work when I have the wherewithal to do it and getting up and going to work again. I'm just beside myself I had a psychological evaluation in October on my parenting. It was really good although it took my attorney over a month to get his stuff together we read it and get it to the worker which made my worker turn a new leaf and open me up for the program when I'm currently in with the children. I'm just reaching out I guess