Dear Julski,
The fact that you mention that you 'constantly worry about her and the children' - means that you are still concerned about their welfare.Your therapist is right-you should have faith and a lot of patience. If you close the door then any hope of a reconciliation is lost for ever.
You cannot force any relationship on someone-it is you who wants to re-establsh contact which your daughter does not seem to want at present-so you have no option but to leave the door open-but at the same time not brood over it and yet get on with life. She will come to you when she chooses to. As a parent who has lost a child we are the ones who suffer most and yet cannot but hope for the day when you will see her coming into your arms thruogh the door you never closed.
I wish God answers your prayers soon.
dejecteddad
PS: you may also read my journal and you will know that i am in no better situation then yourself.

Very good advice, I am also taking it to heart. Thanks for posting it. I too was on the verge of "closing the door"
yesterday

My daughter has also chosen to have NOTHING to do with her father and I. She was raised in a loving
and caring family. Her friends know that too. We couldn't understand what she would tell her friends
about us. At least they accepted you as a friend on facebook. Not our daughter's friends. We do know she was constantly seeing a therapist. You have now given me some insight on maybe why she has completely left our lives. The holidays, birthdays, funerals and anything else associated with family was always painful. She would hurt us deeply. Her friends always came first.
Even on her birthday we could not come over because she was busy with her friends. The final act
was her wedding. We offered her $10,000 and she told us that she wouldn't take it because she might have to listen to an idea. She sent a horrible letter telling us she wanted us at her wedding so she could embarrass us. Her father called and told her that we would NOT be attending the wedding because it was obvious she had such anger issues for us. We wanted her day to the happiest day ever. It was then she said I am moving on and don't need you in my life anymore.
We have not heard a word ever again. We told her we loved her and that the door will always be open
for her. I cannot allow this to eat me away. I have a Lord in my life who i turn to. His word tells me
he is my strength. I will always hope that someday we may see her again. Hope is truly ALL we have.

Hello everyone
I just found this group because I was desperatly looking for answers when the reality of who my son is was forced on me when I received an email that told me I was being totally cut out of his life. I have read so much here that I can relate to, and although I wouldn't wish this on anyone, I am so thankful that I found a place to help me make sense out of this.
I was married to my son's father for three years....I was later told by therapists that he is a sociopath. I was young...I just accepted that he didnt love ME. But I never really understood what a sociopath was. My son is now 29. He and I were very close, he was smart, handsome, charming....my only child. About 15 he started demonstrating what I thought was an odd cold reaction to things that emotionally resonated with me. I rationalized it as "I am a woman...we are more sensative"... SO many things have happened over the past ten years that I have read in these blogs. Lies, threats, stealing, drugs, alchohol...and only contact when he could use me. My dreams ...everything I worked toward in my life included my son ...and his being an asset to humanity, and part of my life. It is all over with...and I am having trouble accepting that he can not SEE what is going on and will at some point make changes to correct the path he is on.
He now lives up north, and I am miles away....which I know is a protection. I deal with this mentally when I am awake ....mostly ....its when I sleep that my brain goes wild..running, and terror filled. I feel like a wounded caged bird, waiting for the next major cut. God please be with us all.

LindaRM... I too was seeking out some place where I could talk with reasonable people who might be going thru what my husband and I are going thru.... I was so disheartning to see so many people going thru the same as us...... our daughter married an older man... we never told her what we thought of her husband... he's British and is very cold, whereas our daughter "was" bubbly and warm and loving... that was until she married him... now she is just like him....... when she was set to marry him, she invited his estranged parents to the wedding... he promplty "uninvited" them.. and not in a nice way.... We had hoped she would be a good influence on him.. turns out he was a bad influence on her..... it's taken him 9 years.. but she finally wants no contact with us... .. I keep going over and over everything I've said or done.. and honestly can't seem to come up with anything that warrants this treatment.... I'm not a perfect parent.. but not a drug addict, child beater or abuser.....my daughter and her husband and kids came home for a month at Christmas.... funded mostly by us.. plane tickets, food, transportation, you name it... no thank you.. no nothing from them...except when they returned home.. she emailed me to tell me to quit emailing her.. she wanted no further contact.... can't figure that one out.
But this is not the first time she's done this.. so there does seem to be a pattern... it's somewhat comforting to know we're not alone.. and neither are you.. We do have two other kids that seem to get swept under the rug while I try to figure out why their sister is so horrible.. and I forget to let them know how grateful I am for them... I think it's time to cut the cancer out of my family.. so I can focus on what is healthy.

I wouldn't totally close the door. It seems it should always be left open a crack. You need to distance your self from the part of it that is causing you pain. The pain your feeling is not at surface so to speak, it feels like it but it will eventually surface and maybe just for a short time. You have to take what you can get when your kids grow up. Let this go its not yours to deal with right now.

i personally closed the door and have accepted the reality that the time my ec and i had together will be a cherished memory. i have seen too many people leave that door open only for more devastation and destruction. now the reality may be different, because i cannot predict the future, but in order for me to survive happily, i must find the place that is the least painful for me, which happens to include my very own NO CONTACT order. i am not going to be the whipping post to the narcissism that is prevalent in my ec. i may have contributed to their "all about me" mentality, but as adults, they and only they are responsible for their reprehensible behavior toward their father and i. the only way i would even consider reestablishing any contact is in a therapists office, however, i do not foresee that actually happening. in the meantime, i continue to find healthy ways to release my frustration and i volunteer to reinforce my useful qualities.

In response to Therapyhelps

Subject: Support from another mother
I read your sad letter. I'm sitting in the same shit pit.

The reason your daughter is behaving like Satan, self centered and unloving is because she became separated from "Self".Self is our connection to God.

The definition of Addiction is: the separation from "Self"

If your daughter is a Narcissist, she is a drug addict. (addicted to her "False Self").
Every trait that describes a drug addict, describes the Narcissist.
Proud, Powerful, Self Righteous, Punishing, Vindictive, Sabotaging, Pathologically Jealous, always "Right", lacking feelings of love, empathy, compassion. All about me. Only I matter, only my matters.
She elicits her drug called "Narcissistic Supply" from admiration, adulation, and attention. Denial is present and disordered thinking is evident. Her need to Control can be suffocating. Drug addicts try to compensate for their "perceived" loss of control by trying to control others.

Because Narcissists "objectify" the people around them, (view them as useful "objects"), they have no qualms about discarding some "Thing" that is no longer useful. (No longer supplies them with drugs and their drug highs). You like me, most likely have been Objectified into a category called "THING". Things can not be loved, Things can only be "USED" and discarded.

When you criticize a drug addicts "drug" use, drug abuse and behaviors, you elicit their wrath.
When you criticize a Narcissists behavior, you elicit their anger. Do NOT criticize their drug, nor their drug use or you will be "deleted". Love doesn't factor to a drug addict. Nothing personal just business. "Cold" as ice.

You didn't contribute to your daughters drug use. Some people take compliments with HUMILITY, others take it as a "high" and go out searching for more. Narcissism is no different than Sex Addiction, no different than gambling. . These behaviors are used to pump up Dopamine in the brain.

I strongly suspect that You don't have a daughter because her drug has become more important than you. Show me one drug addict who gives a dam about love or a dam about their family when they're using and abusing. Show me one family who's members aren't hurting when a member of their nearest and dearest are dug abusers. If you think it's hard to get a drug addict into re-hab, try getting a Narcissist to admit they have anything wrong with them. Denial is huge.
There's nothing wrong with me they say, It's you who has the problem.
I'm happy doing my drug. accept me as a drug addict, don't criticize me but continue to support and feed my addiction. "The separation from "Self". Love flows in one direction: everything toward the Narcissist. In this way, the Narcissist is a Black Hole. it sucks everything in and emits no light.

The good news is: Your daughter is not likely to lose her life using the drug Narcissism.
The bad news is: Your daughter has lost her soul. People who lose their souls can behave like monsters.

I lost my daughter because "I" chose not to have a relationship with her "False Self". My daughter became a Hologram. There was no there, there. She's still the same voice and face but everything I loved her for (her beautiful inside) departed.

I'm right here where she left me, where we became separated.
When my daughter began disappearing into her False Self, she informed me that: "Love for me didn't factor when it stood between her and getting what she wanted. Harming me was "justified" she said.
She opened the door to hell and shoved me into it head first.

Today I understand that I was standing between her and her drug. (Narcissism).

PS. Narcissists NEVER apologize, they demand apologies. They're above being human. They're above God. They bow to no one. Show me one drug addict who would welcome an opportunity to enter into joint therapy when LOVE to them, no longer factors, and their drug induced "behavior" will likely be the topic of discussion. It's given me some peace to understand that Narcissism is a drug and my daughter is a "drug addict".

For her to regain her soul and re-establish her loving relationships with parents, she will have to "Let go of her "Denial, her "Pride, her FEAR, reconnect to her Authentic Self, and Let God into her life. With God, comes Love, Empathy, Compassion, caring for "Other's.
Love is Selfless, Love is kind, Love is Humbling, Love is Serving. It's not who you are or what you have that matters, it's what's inside and how you treat others.

Another Mother

I have to say THANK YOU!! I learned a lot in this letter that applied to me hook, line and sinker. You come across very clearly with your explanations for the Narcissists, that I would think you are in fact a counselor yourself!

I was just watching a show on PBS yesterday about our brain functioning. Basically, thoughts form neural pathways in our brains and every time we dwell in something painful we re-experience the same painful feelings. I believe that those of us with EC need to form new ways to see our situation. This is about breaking habits. We were not the fortunate parents whose adult children left the nest on good terms. It is not our faults or theirs. What we do have is the responsibility to live a life free of disabling emotions that cause us pain and prevents us from living our lives with joy. Try to divert your mind by substituting a task or hobby or planning a lunch with a friend. God bless you in your journey. Hugs!

NEVER!