Parents of estranged children Community Group

For parents who have lost communication with their children. Join us to discuss your situation, feelings, and offer advice and support to each other.

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morelostthanfound 03/23/2015

I am a 48yo man and am estranged from my only child, aged 22. While I don't purport to have been an ideal father, I pride myself on having been a loving, kind, gentle, nurturing father. I have never used alcohol to excess or any illicit drugs. I've never abused my child(or her mother) either emotionally, physically or sexually. My daughter's mother and I divorced when she was 13 and I moved several blocks away to keep in close contact and make transportation easier. My daughter began a slow transition of withdrawal-never wanting to come to my new home even though I had fun activities(pizza, movie night) planned. I even imagined us taking summer vacations and seeing/doing fun things together. I pleaded, cajoled and even begged for her to spend equal time with me, though her mother was the custodial parent, we had joint custody. It came to the point where I had to secure an attorney and seek legal assistance in enforcing the parenting agreement, something for which Abby has never forgiven me. I discovered that short of loading the child in the back of a sheriff's car and bringing her to my house, there was little I could really do. In the interest of full disclosure, I am a long sufferer of clinical depression and have been on one antidepressant or another all of my adult life. I hid this from her and was a typical dad in every other sense but after this all came about, I had numerous job changes, a failed marriage and then several moves out of state altogether when she completely cut me out of her life. In retrospect, I think my actions were thinly veiled ways of filling the void that existed(and still exists) in my heart. I send money on birthday and Christmas and used to send cards, letters and texts all with no reply. I paid large amounts of money for her to attend a good university only to discover that she dropped out a semester for her to have a baby. All of this was found out second hand. I've discovered being completely ignored and disregarded is so much more painful than her responding with anger or even hatred. I've seen shows on television were violent, brutal abusers and offenders are paroled and have a reconciled relationship with their children. I was a good father and am left with a few pictures and old memories. I am so in need of someone to say, "hey, I get it, I do. I've been there too and I understand" By the way, I've tried therapy and self help books(please don't suggest) but those people(authors and therapists), I don't believe, have effectively lost a child so they live in another world. Any words of encouragement would be most welcome

bellahumble 05/28/2015

I can't help you, but I can empathise with you moreltf. It's very dispiriting to see all these dreadful parents whose children forgive them even the most heinous behaviours whilst people like us are left scratching our heads. It's soul destroying. Your significant depression must make it even worse. People tell us to 'move on' but there's no moving on from one's child, even if she is an adult. Mine is pretty much the same. She's 30 now. She despises me and isn't interested in repairing anything. It's killing me. It's made me very anxious and I now lack confidence in social situations, which I never did before. I am really sorry that you are suffering this too. It's heartbreaking. Hang in there!

kashmirkat 07/28/2015

I am very sorry to hear of your situation. I often wonder if our kids pick those times when we are down to "decide" we are "not worthy of their attentions". Do they sense weakness, did we not raise them with any compassion whatsoever towards people but more over to their OWN PARENT?? Especially when do we literally do NOTHING to deserve such treatment? I want to be angry and stay angry. The problem is we did the work so these creatures could move on and sustain themselves. They are simple narcissists with no idea how to give more than they take. Parents HAVE to feel more as we put ourselves aside for the child we have created. We are not likely able to "turn off" our feelings and emotions when their very life was in our hands to do our best with. So to then be stabbed in the back is the ultimate betrayal by the very life you helped create. If GOD forgives us, and we are the creator of a child......how do you turn your back on your creation?

kashmirkat 07/28/2015

that was an explanation. It was meant as a reasoning for why the parent keeps trying after a child had refused them. It is important for the parent to be respected, and thereby set boundaries, which is what I am doing presently. I felt extremely disrespected on Mother's Day of all days. I cried the majority of the day. I cannot simply cave to my sorrow and feelings that I want it to be back the way it was. I deserve better. If that child can live with the insults and feel no remorse. I can live without it. I will do the work it takes to be respectable and not a door mat for impulsive, self serving behaviors.

kashmirkat 08/02/2015

This has become my sounding board to myself. I have had a rough week, feeling weak and vulnerable. I cried much more than I ever have that I can remember except when my mother passed. This also feels like a death. A new chapter in self preservation. I have visions of fun times that I can't understand my kids don't remember. They get stuck on the negative and the self righteousness of ignorance. How sad. I have to say, that AT LEAST if I taught them be independent, then I did a good job. Empty nest is one type of sadness, but if you did a good job then they can do it on their own. If this is a test of that.......... then fly away! If you have to push off of me to fly and can't do it with a kind exit......... I wish you success!

kashmirkat 08/06/2015

I will say, I am doing better the last couple of days. I realize that if I cannot be respected the same way my children DEMAND to be respected then I can do without the DISRESPECT and JUDGEMENTS from them. I have gotten more random calls than usual from local numbers with no voicemails left. It COULD be them checking to see if my number is the same ............... or it could be random. EITHER way they can check their attitudes at the door and I will move forward towards mutually respectful relationships.

kashmirkat 08/15/2015

I reflect on my mother and no matter what I say here about her, it is not out of anger or resentment of her parenting. My oldest child idolizes her, even romanticizes her to some extent. The difference between me an my mother however is that I was home with my children, my mother had a total of 5 children that I know of. I say know of because I was @19 when I found out she had a son and a daughter we (other half siblings even to each other) found out they even existed. The custody of them as children was given to their father. I didn't find out until I was in my 30's that even my father was given custody of me. I don't understand why he left me with an unfit mother at the time either. From the time I was in 6th grade and my mother's husband at the time was in Vietnam, she would be at the local bars until they closed on a daily basis. There were times I did not see her for 2 days awake. She would be gone when I got home from school and not return until the bar closed. My oldest half sister was in charge of my and my younger half sibling who was 6 years younger than me. I went to live with my dad for a year to see if I liked that better. It was better, real parents in the home, but it was Alaska and the 50 below weather and the extreme winter summer day light times were not easy to deal with. I decided to talk to a friends mother who was a social worker and wanted to try foster homes as an alternative to telling my mother we needed food in the house amongst other things. Long story short I graduated high school (went to foster care at 14) from an emancipation center run by the county and instead of playing the blame and shame game with my mother figured out a path I could take because I was able to make choices also. So when my oldest daughter feels my mother was so wonderful and caring, and that I am so full of flaws it really is ironic to me. In no way did my daughter endure any sort of treatment I got as a child. She is fantasizing and she knows what's happened. After I left my mother's house my oldest half sister was of legal age and moved out, the county took my younger half sister away from my mother eventually.

kashmirkat 08/15/2015

My mother has been passed now for 2 decades. My father passed a year ago January. My kids father has never been a part of their lives since we divorced. My younger half sister lives in the next county over. Her and her family are what my oldest daughter classifies as "white trash". My younger daughter was never interested in getting to know them. They were rude, loud and disrespectful.

After my mother passed my oldest half sister became a money grubbing control freak. I never saw her the same way since then and she moved to another state. I'm sure it was to hide/keep any life insurance money she got and did not share with me or my younger half sister.

So basically my girls have no one left to support them. And they should be thankful I still want to, but not on the grounds that they can be rude, mean or disrespectful to me. Karma has a way of getting back at us all. I sincerely hope they can see the light soon before the light stops burning for them. I think this time will be beneficial if they learn that relationships are a two way street and they stop taking people for granted. Not everyone is willing to be on the end of a one way street.

kashmirkat 08/21/2015

I have a confession: it's hard to see people on facebook enjoying their daughters. I deserve the same. Why is it I was chosen (among the many) to be disrespected out of the blue with what seems like completely zero remorse? I don't want to have a pity party and I guess there is no "absolute" reason anyway. But there is no answer that I can come up with that would suggest the treatment came from my daughter who was maybe not always so good and kind, but for the most part yes. This is the girl who even made me feel appreciated on Father's Day. I will not overthink today, it's Friday and I had a great run!

kashmirkat 09/04/2015

It's been a couple of weeks since my last post. And I have not been unhappy. I am willing to accept that there may not be an apology coming my way. People have to make their own futures and karma and be willing to put up with the consequences of their actions. I have definitely paid for mine in my life. It is also true of our children. It is not up to me to decide when they will be challenged with decisions or if the one they make is a bad one. Only the individual can experience it and/or take the steps to correct it. Life won't let the mistake go......... it can be repeated in many forms. If you are totally incapable of seeing the fault within yourself, you will keep suffering the same stupid mistakes over and over.

kashmirkat 09/22/2015

In the time that has passed I received several bills for this daughter. And honestly I didn't care in the first couple bills. But as my hurt subsided, I felt the need to let her know. I did so in text. She was receptive (money only??) so I responded that I would like to talk to her but FIRST I need recognition on her part that she had SOME idea how much I was hurt. She responded a few sentences that explained her viewpoint and how she had not intentionally realized the pain she had caused. I am a happy person on any day of the week, but when hurt, VERY tentative in treading in places that hurt. So I accepted what she had to say, but not RUNNING IN LIKE WILD HORSES. In the couple of weeks that have passed she has come over to apologize in person which is WONDERFUL and I am happy to have it behind me. It will still take some time to heal the rough edges, I retreat when hurt, but feel no doubt that will be resolved with time. I have found comfort here, even if it is full of echos. If I need to come here again, I feel it is a safe place to do so. I hope others feel the same way!!

kashmirkat 10/15/2015

It has been a month since I have reconciled with my daughter. She made a trip to my house yesterday for my birthday and it was really a difficult day at work, but very nice of her to come. Her visit was brief, but was comforting to know we are past the incident that hurt me to my core. It is true that she will talk about herself no matter who's event it SHOULD be. So for once I took initiative to tell her I can't help her with her topic and after all it was MY day for happiness. I think if I'm more honest with her I can't be hurt privately and she won't be unaware anyway. She gave me a look but I think understood she needs to really be present in the moment and with the people in the room. Will it be the last time, I'm sure NOT. But learning is a process.

kashmirkat 11/10/2015

I have not been here in almost 2 months. I am happy with my relationship with my younger daughter. She and I both realize how much we mean to each other. She came over for my birthday in October and we are getting along as well as we ever had before that horrible hiccup.

My oldest daughter is in a relationship with a young man. From her first relationship it has been that she totally immerses herself in it. She makes little or no time for family or friends. So this pattern has repeated itself about 4 or 5 times. She transforms into the behaviors the boy/man exhibits. And gets defensive if you ask or question her about it. I will spare you the details of all the "other" history with this daughter. I believe she blames me for her father not being around. She TOTALLY respects men, any man over her mother. She can, but to date she is not a responsible person, and not a reflection of how I would manage my life. She makes personal/financial/business mistakes over and over. So today after over 10 years of STILL receiving some of her mail I advised her who was sending mail AGAIN. (you might want to pay your bills) Her response was to immediately get defensive and advise me she was "spamming" my number. Guess she was still tired, as you spam email not text messages, you block those. Anyway....I'm ok with it. I never know who I'm dealing with or if what she tells me is the truth. Knock yourself out girl, save me the drama of over 15 years. Hope you are able to grow up some day. 33 and still going to raves is ridiculous.

kashmirkat 12/04/2015

A month has passed. My oldest daughter is still in love and there was no visiting me or my younger daughter for Thanksgiving, and from what she told me earlier she will spend that and Christmas with her boyfriend and his family. I think back to when I was her age in a relationship and I did the same, but really only because my mother was too busy the other 363 days of the year immersed in her own life to be available. So it made sense to become part of any other life to feel "included" So I try to understand this daughter. The thing that doesn't make sense is that we ARE available. I cannot say I should be surprised, I am after all just venting. It would be nice to see others post here to see their perspectives and experiences to learn from.

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