PARENTS OF ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Parents with adult children who no longer communicate with them are becoming more and more common these days. This group is for those who need to connect with others in similar situations who understand the grief, pain, and array of emotions that they go through daily. If you are seeking support from other parents who are suffering, a place to vent your feelings, and...
I had my daughter late in life (35) and raised her alone. My own childhood was very dysfunctional, but becoming a mother gave me an identity, joy and purpose I'd never known. I loved everything about it, she was my reason for everything/decision I made. We were our only family, us against the world, and as she got older, I gave her alot of freedom & trust, as she was always a good kid, and I was working, providing for us with no financial and/or emotional support. I managed to by us a house, but by then, she was determined to get out on her own (granted, she was then 20), which she did, quitting her job & moving in with her cousin 400 miles away, in the middle of the day, while I was @ work and 2 weeks before Christmas. I was devasted but tried to be supportive, while she pretty much "ghosted" me for the next 3 years, resentful that she was struggling financially (me too!) and had met a guy (who came from a a big family, the only thing I could not give her & I was distinctly excluded from). When they broke up, she came back to live with me, had a felony DUI (this was in 2013), went into treatment & has turned her life around. I have supported her through all of it, I was all she had &, of course, the mom-guilt of what mistakes had I made? Fast forward to now, we actually work together (same office) and have a very good relationship, she has her meetings & friends, and I have ... well, my job. The last 10 years has taken it's toll on my self-esteem, but I know alot of that stems from my childhood. Now, she has met another guy, this one not only comes from a big, close-knit family, but they have money too. I, subsequently, sold my house to pay for her legal fees, rehab, etc., and live in a tiny studio apt., while the new bf has his own house his parents bought him (he's 26!). She's only known him for about 8 months, he's in Recovery too, and they've had some issues, he relapsed, they broke up, but now they are back together & she is determined to make this work. She has met his parents (who have been married forever, unlike her loser-mother), travel (they have their own plane), and adore my daughter. I have not met (or even talked to) ANYONE, it has not even been suggested (too soon?) and I really feel like I'm gonna lose her to these people. I am old & alone, all I do is go to work, I feel like an embarrassment & can't possibly compete with what they have to offer. Now, I know I've accomplished alot, I have a BScN, which I didn't do anything with, but I still make a decent living, was able to buy a house all on my own, expected it to be somewhere for holidays, etc. to spend with my daughter & HER future family, but that fantasy is shot to hell. I really want to be a grown-up about this, but I vacillate between feeling like the biggest loser that walked the planet or straightup anger & resentment. Any thoughts/advice, other than going into therapy, which I just started ...
I didn’t have much contact with him after that for a while. And what contact I did have he always seemed angry with me....and I could never figure out why.
Mostly out of loneliness, I sought companionship through an online. Dating service. I met and married a man about two years after my first husband’s death. Needless to say, my son didn’t like that either.
After about a year of having my feelings hurt time and again and of being ignored and excluded, my new husband and I packed up and moved to Florida. We’ve been here for 6 years now. I now have 3. Grandchildren and we will be moving back north soon to spend more time with them. I’ve discovered a free baby sitter is always welcome.
I guess I’m telling you all this because I learned a few lessons along the way. The biggest one being that you can’t build your life aroma Nd your children.....they will break your heart every time. You have to make your own way and build a life independent of theirs. I’ve learned that giving them financial support. Only leaves them expecting more and more......I gave and gave until I had nothing else to give.....didn’t help our relatives nshop one bit.
I learned that you have to teach yourself....and give yourself permission, to be a little selfish. To take care of yourself first.....because your kids aren’t going to do it.
I’m not trying to lecture you or preach to you.....although it sure does sound like it.