PARENTS OF ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Parents with adult children who no longer communicate with them are becoming more and more common these days. This group is for those who need to connect with others in similar situations who understand the grief, pain, and array of emotions that they go through daily. If you are seeking support from other parents who are suffering, a place to vent your feelings, and...
I am already a memeber of this group, and I never thought I would be in a situation to possibly add more Children to my problems, but I am at a point that I just am lost!
My Son married a woman who I thought would be nice, and included us a little in their life for the first 3 years, until they had a baby! a little back story.. I have another Grandchild from a older Son who alienated me, never even saw the sweet girl until she was 11, so I lost all that time every moment, this forum helped me through! no one else, just you! I was told by the Son who was having the newest edition, " I will Never do what my Brother did to you" Well he hasnt alienated me but... I never get to see my Grandson unless I babysit! and not ever outside of his home, no walks alone, no taking the baby anywhere, heck I only saw him as a "new baby" my favorite time! (I'm a doll artist, sculptor of new babys) and only after all of his wifes family were done visiting staying at there home, by then he was several weeks old and my visit was fast under a hour, and I wasnt allowed to take pictures, or touch his hands or be too close... covid times I got that! new parents dont want pictures on social media.. ok got that! but the rules seem only to apply to me, I looked at all her Mothers posts on facebook, she has pictures! I mentioned it to my Son, and went months with no visit.. The next time I got to see him he was sitting up, so I was already feeling left out.. they said they rarely go out with covid around, ok.. so poor new parents stuck in the house, need a break a babysit from me.. to rest for work, I go babysit just to see my Grandson, and see this photo stream on this thing on the wall.. They have been to the Zoo, with a bunch of people no masks on anyone, on vacation with her Father and extended family, no mask on anyone, many outings with her Mother and her Husband and extended Family, Funerals in other States no masks, Block parties, work events, dinners with friends... shopping, santa, hundreds of pictures! My Mother in Law died, and they were not able to attend my Sons Grandmas funeral, or let her meet the baby before she died, she was 2 hours away, but his wifes Grandpa got sick and they traveled for a week out of State with that Family to make sure he met the baby before he died, and then were at the services, several States away and a full 12 hr drive, adding a lovely beach vacation with extended Family again hundreds of photos with relatives and friends all with no masks... next time I am asked to babysit again, I walk in the door, I see a wall full of HUGE canvas photos that are her entire Family and there spouses, girlfriends, Beach photos with Family, Beautiful! the next time I go baby sit, theres more, new Huge Family photos with her Mom, Step Father and Family from there recent vacation to Disneyworld, no masks.....and hundreds more photos on the photo stream monitor, his 1st birthday party, resturants, hotels, baby play groups, merry go rounds, the rides... enough.. you got it. Then I learn the rooms I am allowed to babysit in have cameras! I am always on VIDEO when I babysit! 100% of every moment recorded... they are always home when I babysit, and I am on Video! So I thought let me see if I can take him someplace.. I ask just to see... "Hey can I take the baby to buy him some new shoes, I promise they will be expensive!!!!!!" well no... you know.. his Mom,, she isnt comfortable with him going anywhere yet.. and covid... I am still wearing a mask, never been without... there is NOT ONE picture of me or my side of the Family with the new baby, now toddler without a mask.. not even from 6 feet apart, now I already had covid, they had the shots and all three had covid, I still wear my mask when I am asked to babysit. The baby is now almost 18 months old, my Son is in law enforcemnt and exposed to alot more than covid.... and his wife accually yelled at me last week for giving the child sunflower seeds, but my Son gave him a few already shelled seeds, she loudly yelled "dont do that again EVER! please" and again yelled.. when I said my Son gave him just a few, they are mine, not for the baby, she yelled "what? "HE DID?" I sent him a text after I got home to let him know she yelled at me, I got NO response, Nothing! so I sent another and said I hope you don't talk down to your Wifes Family like that do you? no response again. I want to text or call and say alot worse. Save me or help me dive into the mess deeper please!
I am sorry I went on, but I don't know if I should suck it up, and go drive 2 hours just to babysit anymore! or what words would be appropriate in this situation, is it me? am I too petty? Please Help me before I sit down and cry for weeks again, fall into a major depression, get yet another sinus infection wearing a mask for 10 hours babysitting while my Son sleeps and his wife works (watches TV and me in the next room) Please any thoughs would help me! Mijken
I am going to suggest a few things that may or may not be helpful - take what fits and leave the rest. First one is our adult children are the gate keepers to the grandkids and we may not like that. But it is reality and they are the parents and get to make the choice or rules of how baby is raised. Driving a long way to babysit when we feel unhappy about being asked and following their weird rules and having cameras on, etc. is something to consider. You do not have the power to change the situation so can you just accept how it is and stop making demands it be different? So you can walk on eggshells and be agreeable or you can let it go and detach with love. The parents of the child get to set the rules not the grandparents so this is no win for us to push against their rules. We do get to decide what works for us and use our wisdom to help us heal. That is the paradox we estranged parents fall into (we have no power and we follow their rules totally or we decide not to see them much, not babysit, etc.). Do not allow this to make you fall into depression and physical illness.
I just read a book called Rules of Estrangement and I was generally against the amends letter stuff or the parents always trying and always being unhappy. But I read this book with an open mind and now have a greater understanding of the shift in generational thinking. I also like to recommend Done with the Crying book. They are kind of two sides to the coin. Neither has 100% all the right answers but each has helped me figure out what is best for myself. Take what fits and leave the rest. Neither "Expert" has total truth. Nor do I!
When we tell our sons or daughters about the negative their own spouse did, they feel defensive. They can't control the spouse. So they have to defend the spouse. Your text messages just makes the son angry at you. Even if his wife did something pretty hateful to you. They have a kid now and have to make peace with the spouse and put up and shut up. We can not win this war. Stop texting or calling and give it a rest. Put your focus on yourself and healing for 2-3 months. Read both of these books before you try anything else. Think about it more carefully from a wider perspective. Your son is not trying to cut you off but he married someone with some deep issues. She wants total control, is enmeshed with her family of origin. It is understandable that you want some control of being around the grand baby and to be included in their family rather than shunned and left out of family photos. But here is the hard part, our needs don't matter to the difficult person. Ouch!
Can you handle the anxiety of not having any control and being potentially criticized when you are with the grand baby as a babysitter so you can see the baby occasionally? What I mean is you don't feed the baby anything unless mom okays it, you wear the mask, you do all her rules, you shut up and be agreeable. Maybe you will decide this anxiety makes you so upset that you come home angry and crying and then dump on the son. That is not a healthy thing for you to be exposed to. While we don't have power as grandparents, we do matter and we don't have to take disdain and ugly words from the adult child or their spouse. You want son to fight for you but he can't, he has to sleep next to the mother of his child now.
So do you want to be right or be in relationship is what I took from Rules of Estrangement. This is something we each have to figure out for ourselves. Each situation is different. Learning to heal ourselves and thinking more about what we need is what I learned from Done with the Crying. My goal here is to support your healing and I know I am saying some blunt things about who has the control in estrangements or in difficult family situations. I live it also. I have a controlling son in law, boy oh boy. I am trying to decide some things in my own situation relating to what I have written to you.
I needed that! you made so much sense, I am sorry so many of us are in ugly situations and appreciate you more than I can ever express! Thank You! In this stage of life and having been forced many times to grab myself up by the seat of my pants and say just move on. You are right, and as much as I allowed myself to be just the babysitter to my own Grandchild for a chance to know him, it may be time to just understand It's not something I can do, and just let it be. I could not grasp that his wife has her own issues, and I have watched them grow much bigger, but he has chosen, as he should. I will take your loving and kind advise and buy those books, I love to read! You have been a blessing in my time of need! Thank You!
If you need someone ever, I am here too.
Mijken