I am a daughter who cut out my mother and have had no contact with her for almost 20 years. I'm also a mother who has been disowned by my daughter, and I fear that my grand daughter will continue the cycle to be the 4th generation of daughters who estrange their mothers.

I know both sides of the coin, and just so you know, both sides really suck. As mothers we feel terribly guilty and ashamed because there is an assumption that we must have been horrific parents. But daughters feel shame and guilt too. 'What kind of daughter cuts off ties with her mother? She must have some serious issues'. I remember years ago, I was ashamed to tell anyone that I had disowned my mother, so I lied and said she was dead. I justified the lie in my mind, because my mother was 'dead to me'.

The 'cut and run' is a self defense mechanism used by daughters who haven't healed from childhood traumas, and haven't learned healthy emotional management techniques..daughters who feel powerless against their mothers. Right now, being estranged from you is less painful than continuing a relationship.

When I say childhood trauma, that immediately makes us think of abuse. But the truth is, a childhood trauma can be many things - some of which seem pretty innocuous at first glance. At it's core, childhood trauma is a 'hurt' that has been left invalidated and unhealed.

I know some of you believe that you didn't do anything to warrant being cut off, and I'm not blaming you, but the reality is, you are human, and you made mistakes. Some of those mistakes cracked your daughter's sense of worth. Once that hurt has been left festering, it changes the way she sees you. It's the opposite of 'rose colored glasses'. She has become hyper-sensitive to everything you say (or don't say) and everything you do (or don't do). She begins to define everything about your relationship in terms of her pain.

My childhood was not pretty. Both of my parents were messed up individuals. They did some real damage to their kids - and I want to be clear on this - they did not physically or sexually abuse me. They weren't monsters who were out to annihilate their kids....but they F'd me up. To my core, I felt unloved, unworthy, rejected, and afraid.

Years after I was estranged from my mom, I was happy. I liked me (or so I thought) and I liked my life. Everything changed for the worst (and the best) when I realized I had married a Narcissist. My whole upbringing made me the perfect victim for an emotional predator because I was completely codependent. That man ripped me to shreds emotionally and wreaked havoc on my already low self esteem. He could 'see' every single wound in me - wounds that I didn't even realize were directing my life - and use them to crush me. My God, he is one seriously broken individual, and sadly, his disorder will never be corrected. (Again, I want to stress that the irreparable damage caused by HIS upbringing had nothing to do with physical or sexual abuse.) When I started trying to figure out how the hell I had gotten myself into this horrific relationship, I realized that my very survival was dependent on healing my childhood hurts.

I began to work on me. I journaled relentlessly. I meditated. I began to go back in time and find each of those hurts. I relived each of them emotionally, and looked at them from my adult perspective. I began to understand myself, the choices I made, and the reasons I made them. I uncovered so much about myself that I never knew consciously. I cried a lot. I learned a lot. The most wonderful thing is that I learned what it meant to really love myself. (I always heard that psyco-babble crap and thought it was silly.) I learned how to be my own best advocate, my biggest fan, my most fierce protector, and my own best resource for anything I needed. I learned that my worth was not based on what someone else thought of me... or said to me... or did to me.

Now, I know that rather than the crappy operating system that programmed my childhood I am in control of me, my choices, my life..my everything. I am exponentially better emotionally than I have ever been in my entire life, and it is a happiness and freedom that I can't over state.

Here's the rub: I'm in my 50s. All my learning and self acceptance was achieved in that last 3 years. By the time I learned all this, my children were grown. It was too late to teach them how to love themselves by seeing their mother live it. It was too late to validate their emotional experiences. While they were learning to navigate through life, I was still bouncing around un-tethered emotionally. I was codependent. I was emotionally immature... and THAT is what they learned... what they suffered...what my daughter is still suffering.

My daughter and I were very close before she axed me, and we had talked about some of her traumas. I was surprised to learn that some of her deepest wounds were things that, to me, seemed so minor, and I realize that some of my deepest wounds would have seemed pretty minor to my parents as well. Talking to me about her pain though, did not heal that pain. I hope and pray that my responses didn't add to or exacerbate that pain. No matter how calm, loving, and understanding I was, I was walking a tight rope over her emotional well-being.

To be able to repair your relationship with your daughter, you also need to repair your relationship with yourself. This is important because your daughter will probably need to blast you with all your wrongs, and you'll need to be able to listen to them without crumbling. This will be a painful re-hashing of all kinds of things and if you aren't ready to hear them calmly and empathically, you will further damage the relationship. If you aren't healthy emotionally, and she isn't healthy emotionally....well you see what happens. I am not pointing fingers, but your daughter learned how to cope with life and with people, from you. You need to take a long, hard look inside yourself to find what exactly you taught her.

Finally - My own mother never reached out to me after I cut her off. I didn't change my email address or phone number and I didn't move away. She could have reached me if she was so inclined, but she just never did. For the first few years, every day that I didn't hear from her was painful proof that she never gave a damn about me, and THAT may be the worst thing she ever did. Eventually, I accepted the fact that I didn't have a mom, and for the most part, I have been pretty okay with that. I don't regret my decision to end her presence in my life. Sadly though, I made that decision from a place of emotional damage. And the truth is, that if she had only tried to reach out, things might be completely different today. It's been 19 years with no contact. My mother will eventually pass on being estranged from me, and I will go to my grave with a hole in my soul that should have been filled by a wonderful mother/daughter relationship.

I don't know if I will ever speak to my own daughter again - I pray that we will reconnect and work things through. The one thing that I DO know is that I will reach out regularly until that happens or until I'm gone.

Do not stop reaching out. Reach out regularly and tell her that you love her. Tell her you want to understand. Tell her you miss her. Tell her that you are ready to listen. Give her permission to let it all out. Do not stop reaching out.

In the meantime, work on learning more about yourself, and developing the emotional skills and self worth that you want to impart to your daughter. Work through your anger, and get rid of blame. Replace them with truth, compassion, understanding, empathy, and power - for yourself and for her.

I pray that you all will reconnect and reconcile with your loved ones and reform your family in the shape of something wonderful and feels like 'home' to all of you.

~R