for some men or s hould i say most the adjustment takes awhile. my dh is still adjusting and our baby girl is 5 months old. sometimes guys arent sure what to do with infants bc at this age the babies dont interact too much with them yet. as far as the routine thing goes she is still young and she will start to establish a routine. is she eating about every 3 hrs or so? ull fall into one that works for u guys, just give it some time. best of luck

I can completely understand that it takes longer for most guys to adjust than it does women but he says he doesn't even love her, he says he doesn't feel like he's her dad because he doesn't feel that connection, he told me yesterday that she is just an interuption in his life at the moment. And I know that will change as she gets older and he learns how to deal with her and cope but it's so heartbreaking.
Her feeding can be erratic...sometimes she will go for 5 hours between feeds and sometimes just an hour. Usually it is every 2-3 hours.
I know she is still very young and in my heart I know it will improve, I just needed to reach out

Not even going to comment on your bf's behavior... let's just say I question who the REAL baby is at the moment...

As far as a routine, 3 weeks is pretty young to start one, but you can try. If she's eating on a schedule that is a big help -- and much easier to do with formula feeding. You should be able to notice her sleepy times and awake times and plan accordingly. Just take the next few days/week or so to observe her, see when she's hungry, sleepy, fussy, etc. Keep track so you can see a pattern. Then you can start to plan your day around those times. For example, if she gets fussy in the late afternoon (as many babies do) but that is the time your bf comes home and isn't helping his attitude toward her (my father thought I hated him!) maybe you could take her for a walk or see if she will nap during that time. It sounds like a lot, I know -- it's what I did with my daughter -- when she was 3 months old. But the schedule kept me totally sane and she was actually a happier baby for it.

The BF's comments are hurtful. You should remind him that when she's older he'll regret saying these awful things.
My husband was just my BF when our daughter was born and he really was NO help whatsoever!! After each baby he has learned to feel more comfortable stepping in to help out. But this immaturity was very hard on our relationship and it took a while to get back on track. And I made it clear that it would not be accepted with our next.
As for a schedule... That's a tough one! At such a young age there really isn't anyway to keep an infant on a strict schedule. But you can get the BF on a schedule!! Maybe you take care of night feedings but at 6AM he takes over any feeding/diapering while you sleep a few more hours. Schedule her bathtimes for when he'll be home and recruit his help. The more interaction (at this age "interaction" is just helping to care for) he has with her the quicker they will bond. In order to feel like her Dad he needs to start acting like her dad. He needs to earn the title, not expect it!

I remember being really challenged by the lack of communication at that early stage. I think your bf might be most impacted by that - he might have thought that the baby will somehow be able to understand him and communicate with him and he's finding it hard to imagine what she wants from her cries. i'm not trying to defend him, but I'm thinking that he's making these comments out of frustration rather than negative feelings. Having him take care of her would help him develop communication lines. Could you step out for an hour or so and let him do stuff? He'll figure it out and he'll feel more included.

I had to keep my DH engaged whenever I needed help. He wouldn't volunteer but I decided to split duties and told him what he has to do. There were times when I'd literally bring the baby to him and hand it into his arms and walk away. Didn't work all the time but it did improve our relationship a lot. I think the earlier you do it the better. Later the baby will become really attached to you so it's gonna be harder to have them stay together - she'll want you to take her and he'll want you to take over and you'll be fighting a two-front battle (I know from my experience).

The adjustment to the level of commitment is HUGE. I also remember I kept waiting for our lives to get back to normal and it wasn't happening and I was feeling very overwhelmed. Well, after a while you get better with communication and routines and the baby learns too and you just define a new normal. But lots of couples go through a stressful period after birth.

I sympathize with you Lucy! My husband had the male version of PPD. I was healing from a cesarean and my husband was doing absolutely nothing to help with the baby. I remember looking down at him, while he was getting 12 hours sleep a night, and there I was- with barely 15 minutes sleep all day. It's a really tough time, but hang in there!

He might be saying hurtful things, but I think it is only a mask for what he is feeling inside. Typical feelings for guys going through the male PPD- "Will I be a good dad?" "Can I do this?" "Will I be able to support the family?" (that one's a big one for first timers). There is a lot of nervousness over protecting, raising, and loving a child properly.

Some things that may help:

Talk to him without nagging. Be blunt and straight to the point. Men's minds work differently to a woman's. If you need help with something, don't pose it as a question. Tell him- "Here is the baby, she needs changing" and walk off before he has the chance to get a word in. When he does help, try giving him praise. It might help encourage him to do more.

Sit down and face him with hard facts. This is what brought my husband out of his protective shell, 2 months after birth. I told him very bluntly that his sulking was not helping any. I had to explain to him that I was not getting sleep and that I was doing all of the work (I was delusional at that point from sleep deprivation). I did not word it very nicely, but he got the idea. We discussed what he could to do help around the house more- without any bitterness or argument. The truth of the matter was that we love each other very much and we were not going to let a little bit of hard times separate us. In the end, we have become much stronger for it.

If he is not helpful with the baby, assign him other chores around the house. Put him in charge of cooking meals, washing dishes, running errands, vacuuming- things you can't do since you are busy enough as it is.

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A routine is an excellent idea. She might be too young to fall into one just yet, but it is still worth trying. Always start with feeding schedules and work from there. What comes in, must come out, and when there is a full warm belly- a baby tends to drift off to sleep. Everything evolves around food. :o)

I wouldn't worry so much about a sleep routine just yet, as newborns will get as much sleep as they need. Some sleep a lot, while others won't- it all depends on the baby's personality. The one thing you can do, is make sleeping a peaceful and relaxing experience- play music, have a mobile going, really anything you can do to make the baby fall asleep without fuss.

Oh my...I just want to say a HUGE thank you to you guys, your words have been overwhelming and almost had me in tears because each of you has it down to a tee about how my BF is feeling and why he is behaving the way he is.
I know he needs to man up but I also know that his feelings and attitude is all coming from worrying about supporting us (he is a police officer in London so has quite a straining work life) and he says he feels useless because if he tries to comfort her she cries harder but it's only because he doesn't know her cries yet like me and so he doesn't know how to soothe her. I know the more interaction he has with her the better it will become as he will too be able to recognise when she is hungry etc and it won't be as tough for him.
It is just very hard at the moment because even when he has his 4 days in a row off from work after each set of shifts he is still sleeping through and I am the one getting up and tending to little one while he sleeps...I feel like a single parent sometimes.
Yesterday it all came to blows and it got to the point where he told me to go and I packed a bag but at the last minute he almost had a sort of break down and begged me to stay because he knows that splitting up isn't what either of us want he just doesn't know how to deal with the huge change at the moment and it's hard for me o see him feeling so helpless.
Also thank you for the routine advice, her sleeping and feeding is becoming more predictable so hopefully a routine won't be too hard to impliment when I feel the time is right.
You are all truly wonderful :-)

Sorry about your bf. My husband is not the most helpful, so I can sympathize. The good news, is as my DD gets older, he helps a little more.

It's too young for a routine. I live and die by schedules, so those early months drove me crazy. Honestly, it's only been the last 3 weeks that I've had a steady, constant routine with mine, and she's 6 months! It just takes some babies more time. But you should try to implement a feeding schedule for the daytime. Can you feed every 2-2 1/2 hour? I wouldn't wake her to feed, but try to make her wait , or if she's awake, feed her after 2 hours. Get her used to that. When she can go longer, go to three hours. At least that's something you can work on until sleeping schedules start to gel.

Thank you. Yes she feeds every 2.5-3hours so atleast that is some sort of schedule. There is only one time in early afternoon where she sleeps for about 4 hours but she feeds as soon as she wakes and it isn't a problem as she is sleeping from about midnight until 8am waking for one feed around 3-4am
It is improving and I think she is getting to know night and day as in the day I have her in the lounge napping with light and noise around her and at night it is dim and silent so hopefully she will learn to differentiate soon
:)

i wont comment on your husband as you have had great advise and hopefully now he has a breakdown things should improve. One thing i will say that i have just thouht of is why not leave them alone for an hour or so. He may feel frustrated that he cant comfort the baby and may feel like you can do it better. Or he may feel like its to easy to let you do it. He may feel he needs to stop the baby crying straight away when infact its how they comunicate. leaving them alone will let them bond and learn.

Anyway my kacey is 6 weeks old now and has been formula feed from 3 weeks. She went from being awake all night and hardly sleeping during the day to feeding 3 hourly. She now goes down at 7pm and has 1 feed at 3am and then wakes at 7am. I no we are probably lucky. but this has all happened so suddenly. I honestky thought she would never sleep. She has done most oif it herself. although i did start feeding her 4 hourly. Obvoulsy if she woke up screming id feed her straight away. but generally she would wake up between 3 and 4 hours and i would ocupy her for a bit. Obously as she is gling between 2 1/2 and 3 hours maybe work at getting her to 3 hours. When she wakes up why not play a little game or walk around the house or garden. Chat to her. Read to her. It may seem silly but read anything like a magazine or a book. They will just listen to your voice anyway. Then you should find she will go for 3 hours each time.Obvously if she screams or if your baby isnt putting on weight then dont do it. KIacey feeds every 4 hours but if she screams at 3 hours i always feed her.Also for sleeping daytimes are bright and light and nighttime are dark and quiet. I talk to her in the day time and im quiet at night except for a shhhh if needed. i dont no if this works or of she would of done it anyway. 3 weeks ago i thought she would enver sleep. For her last bottle i bath her 1st and then i sit upstairs with her and i feed her and then sooth her and she goes down quick.I do still hold her to sleep. Its strange but her sleeps are so light daytime where as at night i can add a top and she barely stirs. Do you use a dummy. I never use 1 at night as i find it keeps her sleep to light and she wakes when she loses it. Infact i dont use it often during the day. Mainly if she is upset and nothing will sooth her but she dont really like it.The main thing is to let her lead her routine and then you can play wiith it to suit you.
Kacey used to scream at night due to colic so we could never get her to sleep till midnight so she started like your sleeeping 12-8 and feeding at 4. She then stopped screaming and started having a nap in the night from 8. so she slept from 8-8 waking at 12 ish and 4 ish. she then dropped the 12am feed. But this is what whe has done. i did read that once babys hit 11lb and are 6 weeks they seattle. This last week kacey has goine above 11lb and turned 6 weeks. and she has changed. she is so smiley now. Sorry if i rambled.