Parenting Newborns & Infants (0-1) Support Group

Feeding your infant and ensuring they are getting enough nutrition is one of the most important aspects of parenting during that first year. This community is dedicated to those who are nurturing a baby, whether breastfed or formula-fed.

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emmablue 07/03/2011

Hey ladies. So awhile back I noticed a discussion about whether to tell kids of IVF that they were created using IVF and many people seemed to feel that while they would consider telling about that they wouldn't tell them if they were from donor egg or sperm. I was wondering, why do you think that's better? I ask this because my twins are from donor eggs and I was told by the clinic that a policy of disclosure is best for the children, so that's what my husband and I were planning on doing...but now I am wondering if maybe that's not best? I'd really like some advice because the last thing I ever want to do is hurt my kids psychologically. The donor looked a whole lot like me so people comment on how the kids look like me all the time. Also, for those of you that have biological children and children from an egg donor, do you HONESTLY feel the same towards them? Right now we have no plans for more children but in a few years I can see not preventing it and if it should happen (unlikely but possible) I wonder if I would feel different about a baby that was genetically mine and how that would affect things. I would appreciate honest opinions and if you aren't comfortable posting them publicly, please feel free to message me. Thanks so much!

deleted_user 07/03/2011

My daughter was conceived via IVF with donor sperm. However, she has two moms so its going to be pretty obvious to her that she has a sperm donor. Even if this wasn't the case, though, I personally feel honesty is always the best policy. You can have the best intentions at heart in not telling, but it seems like there is always a chance they will find out. Then you not only have to discuss the donor situation but the fact that you lied to them. I believe in building trust with children and I think being honest about the donor situation shows them how much you love them. There is a book series for kids who are products of complicated situations like these: http://www.xyandme.com/XYMe-Books.htm

deleted_user 07/03/2011

Oh, and also, we got our sperm from the Sperm Bank of California and they have a program where you can opt for your child to eventually have contact with any other potential children from that donor. We decided to participate in that program based on friends of ours, who also went through TSBC, who have two boys who had gotten to know their half-siblings through this program and had really found it comforting to know part of their donor-side family. Eventually the option is there to meet the donor, once the child turns 18. It is totally in the child's court, however. Although we were uncomfortable with the possibility of our daughter meeting her donor someday, at the same time we felt it was naive to think she might not want to and to not make that option possible for her. I think if research has shown anything, it's that providing open venues for kids to explore the complicated feelings that arise with being the product of donors, or being adopted, is most important.

deleted_user 07/05/2011

We also used a donor egg and decided from the beginning to share with our son. We already talk about how special he is and how much love it took to have him. I would not want him to find out later from some one other than us. It is a very personal decision and there is no one right answer. It is what works best for you. But for us we decided to be open right from the beginning.

truststhelord 07/05/2011

I read this blog recently and thought that this was an interesting way to start sharing the concept with a young child http://hannahweptsarahlaughed.blogspot.com/2011/06/mommys-garden.html

I always think for big topics like this, it's better to to incorporate it into a child's fabric as they grow up...so it makes sense to them, it's just "life" to them.... if you spring it on an older child or tell them in adulthood (or if they find out on their own in some way), it's like a shock and a betrayal.

emmablue 07/06/2011

truststhelord...Thank you for that link! I read the story and I loved it and think it's an awesome way to tell kids. I bookmarked the site so I can do something similar. To all you ladies, thank you so much for the advice! I think we will tell the kids and I feel much more confident about it now. They are my joy and they will always know how deeply they are loved and that I AM their mommy. :-)

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