Hello all,

I am new to this group and suffering a great deal right now.  My youngest son lives with me and is moving out this weekend to his fathers.  He is 24 years old.  We have had a sometimes fiery relationship where we can but heads, but he is downright hurtful and his words resorted last night to he hates me and hates this house.   This is all because I got mad that he kicked heavy boxes across my wood floor with dirt and sand on the bottom that I knew and he knew would scratch the floors.  He knows better to do this and believe me I am not a total perfectionist here, you can walk into my house with your shoes and that's ok!  It's his disregard for what I have worked hard for.   You know, you put money blood sweat and tears and I am a single parent.  He's done it before and though I got mad, I did not hit below the belt just said why when you know this wrecks my property to you have to keep doing it?  Then he said he hated the nice dinner I made and he's leaving for his Dad's.  He actually said it was (the house) his property too as he pays a whopping $180 per month in rent so he can do what he likes. 

This has left me feeling like a worthless mother, a failure as a mother, as what did I do wrong to make him this way?  I know I can get angry at times but not without reason. When you ask someone 5 times, by the 6th time as a human you sometimes get mad.   See how guilty I feel for being human?  it's ok for him to rage, get in my face and basically say he hates me though.  Don't get me wrong, we have had many lovely times and have the good part of the relationship too, but I can't help but blame myself.  To run to Dad makes me feel like a failure but I know he has lived with me for 24 years and has not had nearly the responsibility he should have had around this house.

I lost my Dad in 2013, my oldest moved out and got married, (it's good with him) and now I am the sole caregiver for my Mom who has Alzheimers and her health is not doing well.  She is in a home but I have cried so much this past month worrying about her.  This is causing me so much heart ache as I feel like am losing everyone and am all alone. I am doing a lot of self hate right now, blaming myself for whatever I did wrong to my kid, though I know I have been there through everything with him and never failed him in that way, including letting him know daily how much I love him.  I almost feel  sometimes there is a huge resentment in him and the Dad is the hero who has not lived with him since he was 5, so he can do no wrong. 

I'm really afraid of the depression I feel right now, the sense of being just alone in the world, and that my life feels worthless, so much that I called a counsellor tonight to make an appt.

Thanks for listening.