parent of estranged adult children Community Group
To help parents come together and help each other with compassion and understanding towards adult children who choose to estrange from their parents. This can be an emotional rollercoaster, and the heartfelt grieve and pain can seem unbearable. Just putting your feelings down in print can ease the anxiety and worry that comes with this kind of issue.
Hello, group. I’m brand new here and look forward to connecting with some other parents. I have 5 adult children, 3 of whom want nothing to do with me ... and unfortunately that also means I don’t get to know my grandchildren. I have no one to talk to who understands what I’m dealing with. Especially with the holidays here. What do you do as far as sending cards, gifts, etc? I have continued to do this over the years but am now feeling so conflicted. I am completely rejected by my kids, but will they hate me even more if I stop sending things to them? My youngest 2 are in my life daily and include me in theirs. Although we all live so far away from each other, I could still be very much a part of my kids’ and grandkids lives if my kids would just let me. I know I’m rambling. It’s hard to put this in a “nut shell” without much background info. Thanks for reading.
My mother and I have been estranged for 14 years. Turns out its better this way. Shes the N (and I'm most definitely not saying you are in any way)... I realized many years ago that she was mentally ill and that the distance was better than the alternative and right now we are at a very comfortable truce and have been for many years now....
That being said, I was married to an N. Brought on by alcoholism. He was wonderful up until he became disabled. One day I came home from work to find him planning his suicide. I'm not sure what I did or said to stop it, but he didnt do it. Turned instead to drinking harder. At first it was anger.... at himself more than anyone else. Over time as the drinking progressed, it became directed toward me until one day many years later, he assaulted me. Right after they arrested him, I discovered he was poisoning me. Craziness is that I never reported it... I just divorced him, stayed away from him... until one day he drank too much and died.
We have one child who was in his 20s at the time. What I never realized is that all these years is my husband had trained our son to hate me. He would be supportive of whatever I did, I competed in athletic events from time to time and he was always there for them... while behind my back he kept telling my son I was abandoning them. Even when I worked to support us, more "abandonment". And of course, our son became an addict himself. I was so clueless.
But during the divorce, my son came out of the shadows after a 6 year period where we didnt even know if he was alive, and announced he was married, and they were pregnant. He never mentioned his addiction, but it was very obvious that he wasnt using. He turned out to be an awesome dad and we started a family relationship that was the way it should have been...
But something has happened and I have no idea what it is. It started last year. A very slow personality change. His wife made a comment about how she couldnt do anything right. I found glasses of vodka sitting on their clean counters in the kitchen after everyone went to work in the morning - I thought it was her. While my son adores his now 6 yo daughter, he made a comment that he spanked his 4 yo son from time to time. I didnt think much about it at first until one day his son spilled milk and went into hysterics that he was going to get beaten for it.
And then the subtle attacks on me started. Rude comments about raising kids where he would treat me like I was never a mother before. Dictating when I should drop everything (I'm a president of a nonprofit right now) just to spend time with him, then would ignore me when I did go, and recently went out of his way to embarrass and humiliate me at a family funeral. I finally had enough, broke it off with him last week, and the retaliation has been huge. It was my husband all over again. Nasty, twisted verbal abuse and now he's refusing to let me have any part of the grandchildren. Now dont get me wrong... i was expecting it. It had gotten to the point of whether I take additional abuse that would never stop, or step away from all of them. I chose the latter only because her Mom is very involved (lives 2 doors away) and a wonderful lady (and she babysits daily so I know the grandchildren have a safe place to go).
And so, that dilemma about staying in touch with the grandchildren. Well, facebook is out. Theyve both unfriended me. He's already done a pretty good character assassination at the funeral, but her mom, like I said, is very nice. So Ive been debating.... keep in touch through her? Or will she attack as well?
So about gifts... probably wont work. There will be interference unless you can get them to someone neutral who isnt afraid of attacks of their own. I'm also debating about attending school functions, but have no idea how difficult it might be to get the schedule. I'll be checking into that next week. Ill keep you posted... wish you the best of luck.
On a positive note ... my husband's oldest son, his wife, and their 4 kids were here overnight last weekend on their way to their new life in Texas. I hadn't seen or talked with them in a few years. WELL ... their kids called me "Grandma"!!! And we've been invited to go see them when they get settled. So I get to be a grandma after all. Just not to my own grandkids. I don't hear from my oldest daughter at all (the one who suffers from bipolar and has my other grandkids). I'm becoming less hurt over that as time goes on. Maybe someday the kids will come look me up. Maybe not. Either way ... I think I'm doing better with it.