Stay strong. You can do it. You are going to have a lot of ups and downs. I looked at your profile and I believe you are truely remorseful. I know your H doesn't know if he wants to work on the marriage or not. I think the therapy for you is good. If he decides that he does want to work on your marriage, I would recommend couples counseling also.

It's going to be a long hard road, but worth the effort. Stay strong & Good Luck!

There are times when it seems to be clearing & I can see light at the end of the tunnel, but then it creeps back like you said and pulls me down into the pit of hell. It sounds like what you're going through is to be expected though and I can relate 100%.

It's a back and forth process, but hopefully you won't follow my steps. lol

6 Long years I went back and forth between my affairs and my SO. Yes, the fog clears temp. then creeps back in. If you are not proactive in working against that it most definatly can get you thinking and wanting the OP so badly that it'll become an obsession.

The doubts about rebuilding the marriage however are fair and you need to really think about what you want. It can take years to rebuild a marriage after infidelity. The first year is by far the hardest but it doesn't end there.

I don't support running off but I also don't think it's fair to tell your SO that you want to rebuild and then 1/2 way thru change your mind. All you end up doing at that point is hurting everyone more.

If you want, try talking through your thoughts about you OM and your SO. You can journal it or talk here, but in your journal it'll be a little less up for public debate.

Good luck.

Discovery of an affair is a powerful and forceful push out of the fog. Coming out of the fog, for me, has felt somewhat like this: I was swept into the reality of what I had done and yet I landed in a place that was unfamiliar territory. Everything around me is different. Nothing seems to make sense. There are scattered pieces of what use to be my life, all around me. I shake my head in bewilderment, wondering, how the heck did I get here.? It's not a place I ever wanted to go or thought capable of. The extreme sorrow and pain of my betrayal, that I am left with upon exiting the fog, is unbearable. Sometimes I retreat back into the fog to try and figure out exactly what it was that got me there to begin with - was it real, was it an illusion? Sometimes I go back into the fog because it feels momentarily safer than the clean up I am faced with, upon coming out. Sometimes I go back into the fog in an effort to realize just exactly what I do have. Sometimes I fall back into it and have no idea why. The back and forth has gotten less and less. Each time I come out of it more determined, more clear of the direction I want to go, and stronger in my attempts to clean up the mess, and pick up the pieces of the destruction that I have created. It was a fog I entered, knowing I shouldn't have. It went against everything I held dear and sacred about my marriage. And yet, I entered it because the pull was stronger than I was and I was selfish. Not a great realization about myself and one that I am working hard at forgiving myself for and at the same time becoming a stronger person, because of it. I know it's a terrible way to gain strength, but I do believe that we become stronger because of our failings. My EA was the single most selfish act I have ever committed. I have always been the giver, and with this one HUGE mistake/choice I made, I became the taker. During the thickest part of the fog, I was thinking only of myself and my feelings for the OM.

With this reply, I am answering (from my personal experience) your question about the fog clearing. Each of us here have very individual situations for getting into the fog to begin with and the process of getting out of it. I share with you my process, in the hopes that something in it helps you. I am still working on the aftermath of what I did.

mats, I don't know how long it has been for you, but completely getting the OM out of your thoughts will take some time. The biggest thing to remember is no contact, or if there is any contact that you make certain that you let him know it is over. Your marriage is not suddenly going to be wonderful and there must have been some problems there for the affair to occur in the beginning. Work on your relationship, find the things you were missing. Nothing is perfect and life with someone else will eventually end up with some of the same problems your marriage now may have, but without the solid backing of lifelong commitment. Getting out of the fog is a choice at first and later it seems to clear of its own accord.

I know for my H (I am the betrayed spouse) the problems we encountered after Dday sometimes pushed him back into the fog. It is going to be tough going. I also know that when he was missing her, he would pick fights to justify engaging again so he could tell himself it wasn't working with us so he felt better about wanting to see her again.

You have to decide what you really want and stick with it. If you want to fix your marriage you need to decide that is what you are going to do and let the OM go without any further contact. If it isn't what you want you have to let your H go to build a new life for himself. It isn't fair to hedge your bets so to speak and keep both hanging on until you are sure. If you do that you will never be sure and it will just prolong the agony for everyone. You have to give 100% to one or the other and if it doesn't work out, so be it.

Am I right here folks, or am I just seeing this from the BSs perspective without really knowing what I am talking about?

AM.... I think you're right. I'm in that indecisive fog right now (if that's even a place). I'm not going back to OM, but I don't know if my marriage is going to work. I've given it 100% and feel like a failure. I'm having a hard time falling back in love with my H. Just because you try, doesn't necessarily mean it's going to work. I think it's those days where it would be easy to go back to OM. Mats, just know you aren't alone.

You are right ami. A decision has to be made. You can't keep bouncing between the two waiting for an answer or for one of the two to decide for you.

I keep telling my H this over and over. I am here and I am not walking away, but it is not the affair that is killing me at this point. It is the fact that he won't take a chance and have a little faith in us that hurts the most. Especially when I am putting everything I have in him.

Whatever he decides, one of us is gone. I just have such a hard time understanding that she is really worth losing everything. I am a logical person and when I look at the scale with me, family, friends, etc on one side and just her on the other...it is a no brainer. The fact that it isn't for him is what worries me most.

Tired - I suppose that sometimes even when you give it your all and want it to work, it just doesn't. At least you can go forward knowing that you gave it 100% rather than feeling you gave it 75% and it didn't work, but that if you had given it 100% it might have. You will have that piece of mind if that is any consolation.

clr - He has not lived with the OW and all of the responsibility that goes with a full-time relationship. What he has with her right now is a romantic fantasy without bills, kids, plumbing problems, household chores and all of the other things that come with real life. My H realized this and knew it would not work with the OW. Unfortunately for a time he wanted both. He wanted the romantic fantasy with her and the real life with me because I took on most of the problems of real life so he could focus on the romantic fantasy with her. Not any more. Now it is a partnership. We share the problems and the romantic fantasy.

ami-

Trying to get where you are now. He did live with her for two months last year and it wasn't so great. Things that it took 18 years to surface with us took 2 months to surface with her and he didn't even have to deal with kids yet. I wouldn't let her near them.

He knows that I am the reality and she is the fantasy, but he isn't ready to accept it. I don't know if he thinks there is a way to make the reality better with her and have both with her or if he just isn't ready to give up the fantasy yet. I think it is mostly that he isn't ready to give up the fantasy and he is having his cake and eating it too. I know that I am letting him, but his mind is not right yet and so I wait and hope.

Unfortunately you may be hoping and waiting a long time. It wasn't until the OW showed her really bitchy, selfish, mean side because she wasn't getting everything that she wanted that it finally ended with my H. I wasn't making it easy for him either but we had a history that wasn't about fantasy so he was more able to deal with my upset and anger, but when Ms. Wonderful Accepting Fantasy starting being mean and nasty to him that was more than he was willing to deal with. I am afraid that as long as you are making him happy and she is making him happy he will remain in the fog. You are stuck between a rock and a hard place and I can totally sympathize with you.

You have to be brutal and see the OM as he is outside of the hothouse of the affair. At this stage, you of course, want to go back to an accepting, warm enviroment. But now is the time to tink about it as clearly as you can. Hard questions: Do you love OM? Do you love your husband? Is your marriage recoverable? Do you want it to be recoverable? What do you want? What do you need? And you have to talk to your husband about it until you know who you are, who the OM is, and who your husband is in the cold light of day. Then proceed from there. It takes a lot of time and courage ... W and I are still working at it!