Out of the Fog Community Group
For those who are done with their affair and want to make things better. Please be respectful of others in your posts. Rants, tirades, replies that are off topic, etc. will be deleted.
Long story short, my husband left our marriage for another women within a week of our separation this past December. He had already been talking to her before we had the big blowout where we agreed to separate. Our marriage had been suffering for a few years, he had made no attempts to fix things or communicate. I believe he has passive aggressive traits..he also does not like confrontation, to argue, or say anything negative for that matter.
So now my X with still with the OW almost 5 months later, " he told me "it's pretty serious", he's not living full time with either of us (he stays at a friends place who is out of town), he's NOT moved from our marital home..ALL of his belongings are still here with me and the kids. He gives off mixed messages or at least I am interpreting them as much.
I want to reconcile, I've put my heart on the line with him a few times since our separation, I'm trying to leave the ball in his court on making the decision to come back to me and his kids. I do not treat him badly, I do not rub his "Cheating" in his face, I really "Act" like I have moved forward and harbour no ill feelings towards him...I try to at least. I have been trying to talk to him always calmly, no blaming, no finger pointing just honest observations of where WE went wrong, that we should have continued with counseling.
How do I get us through the "Fog"? Is he in a "Fog". Do I try to talk to him, do I leave him alone, do I admit it's over and he's never coming back?. I would love some guidance of how I can be there for him to feel like he can change his mind and come back to his family. I don't want to be a door mat but I want to understand how to let him know we CAN get through this.
So now my X with still with the OW almost 5 months later, " he told me "it's pretty serious", he's not living full time with either of us (he stays at a friends place who is out of town), he's NOT moved from our marital home..ALL of his belongings are still here with me and the kids. He gives off mixed messages or at least I am interpreting them as much.
I want to reconcile, I've put my heart on the line with him a few times since our separation, I'm trying to leave the ball in his court on making the decision to come back to me and his kids. I do not treat him badly, I do not rub his "Cheating" in his face, I really "Act" like I have moved forward and harbour no ill feelings towards him...I try to at least. I have been trying to talk to him always calmly, no blaming, no finger pointing just honest observations of where WE went wrong, that we should have continued with counseling.
How do I get us through the "Fog"? Is he in a "Fog". Do I try to talk to him, do I leave him alone, do I admit it's over and he's never coming back?. I would love some guidance of how I can be there for him to feel like he can change his mind and come back to his family. I don't want to be a door mat but I want to understand how to let him know we CAN get through this.
I have been reading about how men like the thrill of the chase...and how that applies to reconciling with their BS. Interesting to learn again about how the game of having an A is all good until the BS turns the tables on them..then the game get's hard and the fight is on. You have damaged their ego and ability to control you so in order to boost it back up they must make you suffer a little...give you some rope to hang yourself with again. This is by means of going out even more, not returning calls, texts, having phone calls with the OW in your presence, acting sneeky, listening to your phone calls, taking away access to money, cars, kids. Once they have done this and see you are suffering or reacting from it they fill their ego back up knowing you are crying for them. You submit in other words and then they are free to carry on & they feel secure again. As soon as you switch things up once more or go against them the cycle begins all over.
Not to say this is the case everytime but it's fairly close with many BS & CS. It's control of the unknown, they need to keep their ego and security in check or else they are reminded of the selfish decisions they made which brings back all the guilt they tried so hard to forget .
For me, I like shaking things up right now, keeping him on his toes to never know what to expect from me feels DAMN good!. I like it when he feels out of control and desires to try and butter me up to have me get under his thumb again. I'm learning eachtime how to adjust it and use it to my advantage. When I see the signs ( he starts being nice, cleans up after himself, starts talking to me more, offers me to drive his truck ) I know that it's all part of a mind game and that I can play along if I want..but don't have to. If and when the time comes that I am done and over it I will put the stop to the game and end it, put him in his place and walk away with no regrets. Until then I play some of the game because I know I still matter enough to him to play it, that seeing me move on or make big changes in my life disturbs him to some degree.
I want to fight for our marriage as well, I don't want to lay down and let the OW win, that's why I'm considering contacting her. Letting her know what she's taken part of to hurt my kids, the OW is selfish, has low self esteem and I can grind her into the ground easily about that. HAHA. If she was beautiful, didn't know US, I might think differently because she wouldn't have known better. This piece of trash knows my children, she knows a bit about me...if she knew more about me she would know that she's just poked the wrong dragon!. lol