I'm printing this one out Deb. Thanks for sharing!! I feel like I'm a long way off from June 22 and I'm not sure why planning a month ahead is important right now, as I tried to quit three times in the previous month. I am starting to feel like a confirmed smoker meanwhile. Crazy. So Memorial w/e . . I was down to a half a pack when we were around non-smokers and socializing. Then once I left that scene, I smoked like a fiend for two days (as in a pack a day). The last two days, being back home, I've been manic busy in the garden and other house chores, work, etc . . . I'm tapering down a bit (around 3/4 pack a day). I haven't been doing much "work" on becoming a non-smoker. Haven't been on-line w/ our little group here, haven't been reading . . I do think about it sometimes. I try to "think" every time I have a ciggie, "why" and "am I enjoying it" or "is it just a habit". I know I need to figure out the emotional attachment vs the need for a fix or simply habit. A cup of coffee = ciggie in the a.m. A phone call = a ciggie. A drive = a ciggie. An adult beverage in the eve = a ciggie. So on and so forth. I have to nix the association w/ the above mentioned, I know. Here's what our small group needs to understand and remember about my current circumstance (no excuses, but hard facts) . . . I'm not in a good space, as being a widow, then uprooted to a new state, starting life all over . . yada yada. I'm dealing w/ some depression and PTSD. Often time, the only thing that I can think of positive to get out of bed is my coffee and a ciggie. How pathetic is that? As far as grief goes . . I've come a long way after many losses in succession these past two years, so I can't really blame it on that any longer. Probate (w/ late hubby) still remains a huge stress factor in my life. I can't change it. And as I'm learning from so many ex-smokers . . there will always be factors in our lives that are challenging, as in, not a reason to smoke. Oh, and let me just add . . . we were sitting at a stop light in traffic yesterday and the car next to us (a little ahead) was smoking and I could smell it and craved to light up!! I watched her (young 20 something) and her mannerisms, I could tell she enjoyed, not thinking of the effects long term. I wished so much to be back to that era in time when it was pure pleasure . . and I wasn't thinking of the negs. Okay, there's my catch up and somewhat journal I suppose. Tick tock, June 22 isn't that far away . . . Round of Hugs!! xo

Great post D! Yeah I can remember the days of "loving" my smokes, to the point of romancing the Nicodemon. Smoking went hand in hand with getting up in the morning, coffee, driving, work breaks, hell my life revolved around when I could and could not smoke. What finally occurred to me was that life was going to unfold and all I could do was to embrace the changes, good, bad, or ugly. Smoking actually made life harder because I set my internal clock as to when I could smoke, how I could "sneak" smokes (no such thing because well, smoking stinks!) I caved to each and every trigger and did not really want to change up patterns. When I finally decided to part ways with the nicodemon I had to make up my mind that I was really really done. I knew I could not quit, go back, quit, go back because the damn demon would win. I was done come hell or high water. That's what worked for me. It's a dance with the demon who will seduce you, will whisper in your ear and smile as it kills you on the installment plan. I know I have said this but it rings of truth.....if you want to change your life then change your mind. Easier said than done but it sho'nuff CAN be done.