Hey, I dont want to clutter your board with my issues, but I need help / perspective. And it seems like you guys would know what I am talking about.

When you guys say "inner child" I assume you are in some way talking about the childlike qualities in us. Like hopes, dreams, innocence, etc. Well I feel like that part of me is dying, violently, and it causes me a lot of pain. I have a long history of abuse, etc. but really things have just added onto one another that make me lose myself.

The most prominent one is my dad left a few months ago. Im still in contact with him but he can be very negligent and cruel. I was supposed to go live with him, which was a lie. And he was supposed to secure a place for me to live without my mother (abuser) which turns out was also false. You have to understand that my family has always been dysfunctional, but at the same time for as long as I can remember Ive been sacreficing all that I have to try to keep my family from falling apart. It was broken, I knew, but I still hoped that one day things would be okay if I just kept trying.

So things have fallen apart, ended. All of my efforts were for nothing. I have no contact with extended family, my sister lives with her fiance 11 hours away and cant be bothered with me. My dad wont even tell me where he lives. And Im the one that ends up home here, alone. (For summer and breaks. Im 20 and a college student).

I feel like if I had to look my childhood self in the face and answer if things were ever going to get better, I couldnt handle it. If I can look at myself at all, that is.

I guess the point is Im growing bitter while things keep coming at me that I simply cannot overcome and that is where that part of me dies.

I dont know I guess Im just hoping someone understands..