I am looking for any guidance. I have a 7 year old son who loves and idealizes his dad. I have been married to my husband for 8 years, together for 9, and only the first 2.5 were good, from my perspective. We fell in love and got married fast, with the support of our friends and family. I used to think that his negative behavior was from his pill addiction, his first injury happened when I was 6 months pregnant, but I am realizing that the pills just make his behavior worse, and that his narc tendancies have always been there. But by the time things started to change for me, we were already married and had our son. At first his bad behavior was directed just towards me. But as our son got older, he turned his attention more towrds our son. He is so impatient with him and treats him like he should have the logic of an adult just beacuse he is so smart academically. Our son is also ADHD. I almost divorced him 3 months ago because of the pills and his behavior. He made an appointment with his pain doc to wean him off the pills, and although he is supposed to be clean, I think he is still using and buying them from his dealer or getting them from people he works with that are also pill users. But I can't prove it. He has stopped bringing them home, keeps them at work. Says that his ATM withdrawls are for tools from the tool truck that he needs for work. I've thought about asking for receipts, but any time I try to talk about our finances and creating a better budget, he gets angry. He's negative, belittling, condesending, and criticizes everyone else but never looks inward toward himself. And God forbid you try and get him to see the error of his ways. He has a keen ability to turn it around on me, my son, or anyone who opposes him. If you have any kind of rebuttal or defense to when he is talking/yelling at you, you are automatically arguing with him and being defiant. I've stayed so long because of our son, but at what point am I doing more good than harm? It feels like a no win situation between leaving and staying. I want to do the best thing for our son, and for my own sanity. I've stopped being blunt or saying much about how I feel about things, cause what's the point? He never listens. Not for long anyways. We seem to be on this rollercoaster ride where he is the man I thought he was and fell in love with, and then he turns into the man that I am realizing he truly is; a bully. I have told him that his bahavior is emotionally/mentally abusive, but he doesn't see it that way because there are no blood and bruises, like his father used to leave. His family has talked to him about his behavior, telling him that he is just like his dad, just without the physical abuse. He denies it cause he doesn't beat us. He has said quite a few times throughout our relationship, "You think I'm so abusive?! I don't beat you, I don't cheat on you and I go to work every day and bust my ass to make a paycheck for this family!" He's not usually the only one working, but covid destoyed my career and I am working on building a new one. I started asking for marriage counceling when our son was almost a year, before things got really bad, so that we could address our communication issues and have a stronger marriage before we got to the point that I feel now. And I kept asking every so often throughout the years, but he has always turned me down stating that we don't need it, that it's a last resort thing. My head tells me to cut the cord, but my heart still has a sliver of hope. I wish that sliver would just diappear so that I could quit torturing myself about leaving.