Narcissistic and Sociopathic Abuse Survivors Community Group
This is a S.O.N.S.A. Group - Survivors of Narcissistic and Sociopathic Abuse. People who have Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and/or Antisocial Personality Disorder (APD) create relationships of inevitable harm. This group is for those who are recovering from such relationships.
Hi!
I’m a new member and have been searching for help and understanding. The more I have read, the more I am starting to see that the man I was with was either a narcissist or sociopath. The part that hurts is the abuse and how I didn’t see it. I keep replaying events in my head and it really hurts.
One thing that really has stuck with me is how he would take certain events and it was as if he would rewrite them. I know that it was not how it went but somehow it ended up not only being my fault, but that I was not good enough or I was the issue with my actions. I know that is not how they went!
At one dinner with other individuals, someone asked him if he was a narcissist. He said “no”but followed it up with “but a real narcissist won’t be honest and tell you what they are.” From that point on he made it a point to laugh at that person making little digs that I got the feeling he was making fun of the person or cutting him down. He would say “I amuse myself so much.” He was always the life of the party and he loved it.
When he got caught for cheating that he initiated online, he acted as if it wasn’t a big deal and said that in fact he read me as “dark and unable to make an emotional connection”. That has got to be the furthest from the truth. I didn’t like that he was cheating. I tried to make a connection.
He rarely smiled and the only time he did was usually when he had alcohol. There were social cues that he never mastered or misinterpreted. He had been married for over 16 years but got divorced and he was the one that initiated. He told me that his ex wife and ex girlfriend of 2 years would gladly write recommendation letters of what a great man he was and he was such a good catch. He had a son with his ex wife and never wanted to be a dad. His words. He said he married his ex wife because she had the attributes of what he was looking for in a wife. When you asked him about his divorce he would say that it was a lot of change and that was why it was difficult. It was difficult for him, he never would acknowledge how it was difficult on his child or ex wife. Just him.
He would say how he has spent a lot of time perfecting how he wanted all facetes of his life to work and finding synergistic love.
The thing that really set him off was when he texted me an overly sexual message and I told him that I didn’t like it. He prefaced a weirdly worded apology with he was communicating his thoughts like I was overreacting and not allowed to say I didn’t like it but he was sorry.
I always held back when I was around him in the end because something just didn’t seem right. I just couldn’t put my finger on it. I had a feeling of fear and that his actions were not normal.
When I decided to not see him anymore because of the cheating and his treatment, he tried to turn it around. He kept saying he was so sorry that I had been hurt so badly in my life by men. That wasn’t the point at all. It was that he had been caught cheating and he had no remorse.
All of this has left me feeling crazy, depressed, anxiety, and afraid. I still question if I have done the right thing and stopped all communication with him. I know he has said some awful things about me and all I want to do is defend myself. He never admitted to cheating and never felt he did anything wrong. There was no remorse. I used to worry what would happen if we got married. I would think would he just discard me like he did his ex wife? And if so I would have to walk on egg shells just waiting for it.
I want to heal from all this and I don’t want to end up in something like that again.
Wow, reading your story was like reading my own. Although the Narc is my wife of 17 yrs. I am 62 and she is 49. I never really knew what a narcissist was until after we were married a few years, 10 to be exact. Not that it took that long for her to show it, I just didn't know what it was, but now I know with out a doubt she is a full narcissistic sociopath.
We are in the process of getting a divorce, and you would think I am jumping for joy. But for some reason I am hurting, lonely, and depressed. Go figure hey. It was impossible to keep friends over the years, so I have no one to talk to about it, other than my 2 teenage sons, which is not the same.
If you have not read and studied about a Narc, I would recommend it. That is what really opened my eyes. You will discover they do not change and are incapable of change. In order for a person to change they first have to admit there is a problem. Narcissist are not capable of admitting they have a problem, therefor no change.
I always wanted to believe my wife would change, but she only got worse. The more I gave her a chance and showed my stupidity, the more she took advantage of me. She ruined me financially, emotionally, and every way she could.
All those things you talk about, the feelings of depression, anxiety all of it I went through for 17 yrs cause I didn't know any better, I always believed her that she would change. The abuse with her mouth was horrible. I am very familiar with the egg shell as well. Always trying to be so careful not to say or do something to set her off.
Don't make the same mistakes I did all those years. Run and don't look back. Remember the signs of a narc and read and study all you can. Then when you meet someone, first sign of it stay away, no second chances.